Real life MMD: Should I risk offending the bridesmaid?

ema_o

I have organised a hen do for my friend, and I was really concious of people's budgets and sent out an email initially detailing what we were planning, what each thing would cost and asked everyone to let me know what they were able to do.

If anyone had contacted me letting me know they had found a cheaper deal either for the same or similar activities I would have been really pleased that they had let me know and would have told everyone about the cheaper price. I didn't know a few people either but quite a few of them ended up contacting me.

Therefore I wouldn't hesitate to contact either the bridesmaid direct, or reply to everyone about the cheaper deal. The only thing that might be a problem is if the bridesmaid has paid in advance, but hopefully she wouldn't have!!

jannette_sutcliffe

its your wedding..so its you who has the final word
having someone you dont know as a chief bridesmaid running your hen party is a risk

gaily

jannette_sutcliffe wrote: »

its your wedding..so its you who has the final word
having someone you dont know as a chief bridesmaid running your hen party is a risk

It's not the posers wedding - she's never met the cheif bridesmaid.

guidarufino

I agree that hen/stag dos can have a tendency to get really out of hand financially these days. And it's easy to feel morally obliged to get involved and not complain.

I went on one last year to London for a weekend. It was an expensive weekend all round (with a rubbish dinner on the Friday night) so when I was asked to pay up £75 for a musical on the Saturday afternoon I just said no. Politely, after explaining why not. I don't like musicals so am not prepared to pay £75 to watch something I have zero interest in. It was tough being the odd one out but worth it for my bank balance.

I think hens and stags forget that, whilst it's their big day, it's not everyone else's and their friends and family have a lot to pay out for the wedding too so perhaps people shouldn't expect too much for their hen/stag dos.

RuthnJasper

I would think about asking the Chief Bridesmaid if I could pay her the £50 later for the 'do', but only if I could realistically save for it and if she agreed to that. I do think it's very naughty of the bridesmaid to not alert people to the £50 price upfront; simply not fair.

And, presumably, I'd ALSO have to buy drinks once in the nightclub which wouldn't be cheap either.

As others have suggested, if I could get a cheaper deal, I'd put it to the other members of the party, to see what they think, but I would be completely open and honest about the fact that I couldn't afford the £50. If the CB takes offence at that, she must be a pretty shallow and thoughtless person. If I was the bride, I would be mortified if I discovered that my 'brood of hens' had felt pressured into parting with much-needed cash for my hen do (which, to be honest, covers activities and experiences which were not their own choices)! If it came down to either having to pay the extra £50 or not taking part in the proposed new activities, I wouldn't feel bad about going on the hen do but not joining in with the other activities - I've ALREADY paid £30!!! And I'd want to be there to celebrate with my friend, much as I wouldn't like it when they all headed off to their cocktails/dinner/club and I got left behind.:(

Something like this did actually happen to me once. A friend chose as her hen weekend a spa-break at a posh hotel on Jersey at @£300 a pop. I tried to work out how I could save to afford it - but I just couldn't. I was honest and explained that it was just too much for me to pay. The friend was OK and said that she understood, although her tone wasn't very understanding and she DID try more than once to get me to come along, even knowing that I couldn't afford it (she never offered to pay though!).

After the weekend, she told me how the break had descended into b1tch-fighting and sniping and how it was really REALLY a shame that I hadn't gone, as apparently I "would have prevented that from happening" (I tend to be a bit of a peacemaker, and can usually nip trouble among friends in the bud before it gets out of hand. Hmmm... 'Lucky' me._pale_). She almost implied that it had been MY fault that the b1tching had started, because I was not there to stop it:mad:... I refused to feel guilty. I couldn't afford it and wasn't ashamed to say so.

The Chief Bridesmaid should have done her homework with the Bride and not picked out an activity, where there was a likelihood that some group members may not be able to comfortably afford to take part.

The MSE bod who posed this question should not feel bad about being honest over her inability to afford the unexpected extra.

k8nok

I don't usually write on these forums but this one in particular hits a sore point for both me and my friends. It has got to the point that a hen/stag do costs no less than £500 for the weekend by the time you have been abroad/hotel/activites/drink etc. It is totally out of hand. Even though I earn a good wage, I actually do not want to spend that much on a weekend where I haven't chosen the activities and more often than not, I am not with the person/people I would normally wish to travel with.

I am due to get married next year, and strongly believe it is for the bride and groom to tell their respective organisers how much the hen/stag should cost. Also, they should have options for those people who want to spend more and less - e.g. go to a spa but only those who want to need to pay for the massage etc.

Comment for Londoners- In addition, people who live in London, often choose not to have their weddings there as they are expensive but then expect their guests (who all live in London) to travel to their destination. This costs extra for the hotel and transport not to mention the time. It is essentially like subsidising their wedding. Add these costs to the £500 hen do and the present, and you have yourself a VERY expensive wedding!! It is a massive shame as you either end up not going to the wedding, or resenting the amount of money that you have had to spend.

I am having my wedding in London as that is where we and the guests are from. They can get the tube to and from the venue! It is more expensive so I have just had to compromise on other things but at least my guests will not dread coming!! I LOVE weddings and parties and in my experience, it is not the amount of money spent which makes it a good do, it is the atitude of the guests who make the good time! Any hen/stag organisers should remember that!! Getting back to the original question...you shouldn't worry about offending the bridesmaid - she obviously didn't worry about you when she booked the event in the first place!

gaily

k8nok wrote: »

Getting back to the original question...you shouldn't worry about offending the bridesmaid - she obviously didn't worry about you when she booked the event in the first place!

...hear hear - have a great wedding yourself, and it sounds like you'll have a sensible hen do too.

Not that you have to be sensible, but that it will be planned sensibly!!!

Ebenezer_Screwj

If it falls outside your budget for the evening - just say so. Nobody is obliged to hand over money at the bidding of somebody else if he or she cannot afford it and if that causes offence it is just too bad.

jufal

I don't see a dilema at all.

Just say you can't afford it.

Then suggest that maybe after the wedding you'll all be able to share a bottle of wine or something ( i.e. - nohard feelings towards anyone)

Problem solved!

dave2

Bear in mind it's not easy for the organiser so if you're wanting to make changes you need to be offering a solution that's fine and workable for everyone! If you think you can group-book more cheaply for instance you should offer to do the booking and get the money off everyone. If your idea is suddenly looking less appealing, well you can't expect someone else to do what you wouldn't.

Basically if it's a major problem for you then explain it to her but make it clear you are well aware she has a difficult job, you do not expect her to change plans for you nor are you annoyed at her. Sure maybe she could have done this better but it's harder than it looks, while there may be considerations she has forgotten, there's also going to be plenty considerations she's accounted for that you don't know about.

Best practice (IMO) with stags/hen dos is for the organiser to find out who the "BFFs" are (usually <6 people) and clear their general plans with those people, ignoring the others. It's just not remotely practical if every single person gets involved.