Real life MMD: Should I risk offending the bridesmaid?

muffin_man_7

Im a newbie here read pages for ages but couldnt ge hang of replying. I have seen a dress that can be worn over 10 ways would that help your daughter to go to 3 weddings not technicaly in the same dress im not sure if im allowed to say where from its £49.99 plus p+p

ixwood

edinburgher wrote: »

Pretty much this exact scenario (well the stag version) is happening with my brother's stag do - only difference being that he's organising it himself so it's pretty hard to say no.

Not content with the fact that it's abroad and we've all had to fork out for plane tickets, two nights in a hotel and spending money, he just bought tickets to a football match from a reseller, meaning that I'm now likely to be £450 out of pocket for a weekend He doesn't think this is a lot (compulsive traveller), but what's the polite way of saying that I only save £60/mth towards holidays and he's effectively ruined my chance of having a summer holiday?

I'd say no, but I appreciate that's not the best option for most people.

Make sure you do go somewhere else though. Cheapo holidays here can be great. We live on a beautiful island where you're never more than 3 hours from the coast and there's 1000's of interesting things to see and do.

Foreign weddings are inconsiderate and selfish IMHO. You see people say things like "we were going to have the big white wedding here, but it was just too expensive, so we're going abroad instead.", which really means it's cheaper for them, but vastly more expensive and inconvenient for everyone else.

headcrash27

£50 for a cocktail making experience, entry to a club and a two course meal sounds like a bargain to me! To be honest i would expect a hen night to include a meal so i wouldn't be surprised at having to pay out for it. However if you can't afford it then you can't go, you could always just join them after the meal, whenever i've been on hen nights people often join in for just part of the evening if they can't afford or don't want to attend all of it. I don't think anyone would be offended. I wouldn't reply all as some people have suggested though, i would think that is far more likely to cause offence than you not being able to go. I would just email her back and explain that you can't afford it and mention that you can get it cheaper if she wants the details.

Paulie'sGirl

I would nip it in the bud early on, as it could escalate both during the Hen do and even in other wedding arrangements, like lets all chip in "x" for a special present for the Bride etc.

Its all about the way you do it. Be plain, you're probably not the only one in this place, being a bridesmaid is expensive enough!

PGxx

Sutclifs

I'm getting married in August 2011 (super excited already ) and have been thinking about hen dos and what to do with them.

I think if the chief bridesmaid hasnt been upfront about the costs then she should expect to be picked up on it. Do you know anyone else in the Hen Party that you can discuss this with before you approach the subject? It depends on the attitudes of those involved but I would hope that she would understand and be willing to try and work around you if at all possible

What I thought of was that I would kick my other half out for the weekend and from the Friday to the Sunday I would have as many of my girls round to the house as possible and arrange for events at the house (home spa treatments, a night out in the local pub, pole dancing lesson etc.) so that no one has to pay extras for accommodation etc. I am hoping it will work and myself and my chief bridesmaid are going to have lots of trial runs to test it out in the coming 15 months :beer:

wildthing01

i find the whole wedding/hen/stag do thing a bit strange - the feelings it evokes!! i love going to others' weddings and hen dos, as i feel like they're such a special occasion and i don't usually mind spending the money, to have the opportunity to do something i would not normally have the chance to do.

however, when it comes to hosting my own such events, i have an absolute horror of inviting anyone, as i feel that others will be thinking they don't want to go to all that effort and expense just to celebrate MY event. we only had 5 at our wedding (all close family), and i didn't have a hen do. we did have a big party after (but that was organised by family, and i was mortified the whole time, especially when people did speeches against my express instructions otherwise). i refuse to even invite anyone out for my birthday as i don't want to impose on them.

and reading this thread, it seems i'm right to feel this way, as there seem to be lots of people out there that resent having to spend time and money on celebrating other people's special occasions!!

edinburgher

and reading this thread, it seems i'm right to feel this way, as there seem to be lots of people out there that resent having to spend time and money on celebrating other people's special occasions!!

I think this is perhaps a little unfair. The general trend seems to be that people are happy to attend hen/stag dos, but that it's incredibly awkward when additional costs are lumped on people who may not be able to afford them

Luisa1981

Poor OP!

I wouldn't worry too much about this, I've been to plenty of Hen Parties where people have opted in as and when they can. Some activities are a bit expensive, and most people will be understanding over this, I've been to plenty where people have missed a day activity and joined during the evening and the Hen and organiser have been fine about this. I would drop her an email, calmly explaining the situation and ask if you can join the party at an appropriate point. Don't involve the bride though, she has enough to worry about!

Have a lovely time.

shellsuit

wildthing01 wrote: »

i find the whole wedding/hen/stag do thing a bit strange - the feelings it evokes!! i love going to others' weddings and hen dos, as i feel like they're such a special occasion and i don't usually mind spending the money, to have the opportunity to do something i would not normally have the chance to do.

however, when it comes to hosting my own such events, i have an absolute horror of inviting anyone, as i feel that others will be thinking they don't want to go to all that effort and expense just to celebrate MY event. we only had 5 at our wedding (all close family), and i didn't have a hen do. we did have a big party after (but that was organised by family, and i was mortified the whole time, especially when people did speeches against my express instructions otherwise). i refuse to even invite anyone out for my birthday as i don't want to impose on them.

and reading this thread, it seems i'm right to feel this way, as there seem to be lots of people out there that resent having to spend time and money on celebrating other people's special occasions!!

Hang on, the 'special occasion' is the wedding, or have you forgotten that?

I think people resent having to fork out, not ONLY for the wedding, but for a hen night/stag do.

What happened to a few drinks out, or friends round to the house, or a nice meal?

Now it's a coach here and there, a weekend away here and there, £100 to learn how to bake a cake or £50 to paint an eggcup, you get the idea :cool:

It costs a lot for a guest to attend a wedding, so expecting them to stump up MORE cash for a hen/stag do, is pushing it a little.

elvis86

Being the person responsible for organising something like this can be mega stressful, ultimately wanting to do a god job for the bride (or birthday girl/boy as is my experience) whilst also trying to please everyone etc. Often you just get repeated negativity from those participating, none of whom are willing to put in the effort to suggest alternatives or help you organise everything.:cool:

"I don't like this", "I'm not into that" etc can get very tiresome and is really pretty selfish when you're talking about something pretty insignificant (I'm not for one minute advocating people expecting folk to cough up £££s for activities, more like what type of food to go for etc).

If, as I have understood the OP, the exact same deal (ie the coctail making and meal) can be found for £30, I fail to see where the dilema lies? Surely a helpful, friendly email to the Chief Bridesmaid explaining that you've found a way to get the same night out at a discounted price would be well recieved? So long as she doesn't use the £20 saving as an excuse to book something else!:D

If you have strong opinions or budget restrictions about a hen do, but are determined that you want to attend, I can only suggest that you get involved from the beginning. Don't know the Chief Bridesmaid? Well, get to know her! You're going to be spending a night/weekend together, as well as the wedding day, the ice will have to be broken at some point. This way everyone can make clear their time/budget restrictions etc from the start, rather than complaining later.

Personally, in this instance, I have to say that £50 doesn't sound a lot for a 3 course dinner, cocktail making lesson and club entry, and £30 sounds reasonable for a hotel.

At the end of the day, if you're really on such a tight budget, maybe you shouldn't go? As disappointed as your friend may be, there's nothing worse than being on a night or weekend away with someone who blatantly hasn't budgeted for it or cannot afford it. Its horribly awkward for those that can.

Ideally the hens would have all been in discussion from the start and come to an agreement about an itinery and budget that suited everyone. But, if you have one hen who can barely afford a cheap meal and a couple of drinks, whereas everyone else is able to budget for a weekend away somewhere, I don't think its fair to expect everybody (and the bride) to completely miss out just because one person can't afford it.

Sorry to sound harsh, but having had lots of experience organising things like this (always seems to fall to me with my friends!), I have pretty strong feelings about it. Especially having been wound up by people who, for example, agree to a long weekend away and the turn up with £20 on them (really!).