Real life MMD: Should I risk offending the bridesmaid?

pennypinchUK

You've not met the chief bridesmaid before, so you're unlikely to meet her again. Problem solved - book direct. And enjoy yourself. Doesn't matter what she thinks.

museumworker

This very situation came up this January (I wrote about it in the Newbies 10k in 2010 thread, posts 573 and 578). The set three course meal was going to be £57, I did a bit of research and found the same place, set menu three courses, plus cocktail and entertainment fee for £30. (we also spent money on a private karaoke bar later in the evening).

I called the organiser direct and spoke to her, just let her know that I had seen it cheaper. She was miffed with the restaurant for not mentioning it - just remember that not everyone is as MS as us! She rebooked with the deal, a few people must have known I had suggested it and came up and said thanks to me, as they were also feeling the pinch. I think she appreciated that I came up with a practical solution, rather than just moan about the cost. Some people just did come to one part of the evening or the other.

Bear in mind that the organiser is just trying to make a very special day for the bride, is under a lot of pressure, and as long as you are tactful, would no doubt appreciate knowing of the offer. Hen do's are expensive, but if the person is that special to you it is worth not going out for ages to save up for it (as I did).

Have a great evening!

Ivrytwr3

I, personally, would speak/email the chief BM and tell her you won't be able to make the £50 function due to it been a lot of money to find at short notice. However, as you really do want to go, you had researched into it and found the same package for x amount; you will be able to attend doing it your way. Can she see any problems with this?

We are forgetting that the chief BM is a human being too! She may be very grateful that you had found it cheaper and advise the rest to book through your links instead.

Some people aren't internet/moneysaving savvy and pay the first price they find, simply because they do not know where else to look.

Sooler

museumworker wrote: »

... if the person is that special to you ...

trouble is for most people they aren't :rotfl:

CornishBlonde

I think the best way to deal with this one is to be honest and say that it's more than you can afford to spend but, at the same time, share your knowledge of the cheaper deal and suggest that there's a saving to be had by all if you book separately (hit reply all on the email ). Lots of these hen and stag nights end up costing a small fortune because the organiser, anxious to put on a good show for the hen/stag goes all out for the event, completely forgetting the financial commitments/restraints of others!

We all know you don't have to spend wads of cash to have a great night out

makeup

I've been in similar situations, one year I had 5 wedding related events (2 hen weekends & 3 weddings) in 6 weeks of Summer.

It was very expensive and I wasn't earning much at the time and it was basically my summer holiday instead.

We went to Budapest for one and then Brighton for the other. With Budapest I couldn't really say anything (I was bridesmaid and there was no way I couldn't have gone) but with Brighton there was mention of doing some kind of music video thing. In the end we didn't do it as it was expensive and we managed to agree not to do it, but without offending the girl organising it. I think we emailed in a similar vein as Wildthing01 suggested above.

At least with the cocktail class you will get a drink or two and then maybe drinks are included in the dinner?

I think that many women like the idea of having a 'special' night / day / weekend and do it as a fun chance to get all their friends together in one place (which might not happen often) and so this is why they plan all these events.

It can be hard when people have different budgets - I have to be honest and say I don't think £50 is a huge amount for a hen night. But equally i have a reasonable job and I'm not trying to clear big debts or have a lot of responsibilities. I can appreciate however that for the OP this is a big demand on her budget.

I do see that it is hard when everyone has different financial situations and I totally agree that if you can find the same thing cheaper elsewhere or by booking direct then you should definitely go for it.

Could you save money elsewhere - getting smaller gifts for the couple or clubbing together with friends? Not buying a new outfit for hen party / wedding? that kind of thing?

However I think it is also worth considering how your friend would feel if you weren't at her hen night?

Daisies

I'd tell her you didn't know about the extra £50 and hadn't budgeted for that, then work out whether I wanted to suggest the extra discount or just not do those parts of the evening. £50 seems like a lot extra to spend with no warning!

I last organised a hen night a few years ago - about eight of us met up by the Thames on the Saturday morning, travelled by boat from Westminster to Kew Gardens, spent the day lazing around in the sun at Kew catching up (we hadn't seen each other for months) and picnicing, then caught the tube back into central London and went for a meal out at Ask, where some more people joined us. We had some Bucks Fizz on the boat, and some wine with the meal but that was it (none of us are that interested in alcohol!). It was a really enjoyable day, which everyone appreciated, and I got a lot of comments about how much people liked not being forced to spend a fortune or do activities they're not interested in.

I'm getting married this June and would have had something similar for my hen night, ideally, but have decided not to have one. It seemed wrong to expect my friends to give up another weekend (on top of the wedding) to travel to do this (they live all over the country), especially as most of them now have small children. Instead we've decided to make a special effort to visit as many people as possible in the coming year and actually spend time with them and their families.

joyjoy5

wildthing01 wrote: »

this sounds suspiciously like a hen do i'm going on this summer!!! i can't see why there should be a dilemma here - i would just 'reply all' to the email, saying

'oh sorry, i didn't realise there was £50 more to pay - i must have missed something! i can't actually afford that at the moment - but i have found this on the internet (insert relevant link), it seems to work out x amount cheaper - would it be okay if i booked myself through this?'

if using reply all, there may be others who will see the email, who would be interested indoing it your way, and i can't see how the bridesmaid could be remotely offended by the email. at least booking it your way means you'll be able to attend, and surely that's what the bridesmaid should be most concerned about, as she should have the bride's best interests at heart.

Gotta say this sounds suspiciously like MY hen do!!! LOL

Well mine's very slightly different but some of my friends raised an issue they had, with me rather than my bridesmaid as they don't know her very well (different group of friends) and it was sorted out very easily as I decided they were right and ended up going for a different package, which enabled us to get much more for our money. I would advise you to do the same - gently raise the issue with your friend, the bride, and say "it's totally up to you what you decide on" but be sure to mention that it's more cost effective to book separately. I bet the bride will be worried about not having everyone she loves at her hen do, and would be more likely to agree.

kerri_gt

Hen/Stag do's and weddings can become expensive esp if you and your partner are both invited to a hen and stag do.

I find that often in these cases, the bride has had limited input and it's the bridemaids (with the best intentions) that have booked up these packages. To be fair to the bridesmaids though, hen dos are a lot of pressure to organise - they will be very close to the bride and won't want to let her down, and have probably been given a list of people to invite, all who know the bride through different ways and a number of whom the bridesmaid probably has never met. Its a tall order to try and find something to please everybody.

Personally I would email the head bridesmaid back directly (rather than circumventing and going to the bride) and explain that you have found the deal cheaper elsewhere. It's not unreasonable. £50 is a lot to fork out for before you've even started the night.

Pee

It's the bridesmaid job to organise the hen party. You have already paid £30 apparently without asking what else was required.
Why do you think it would be cheaper to book separately? If it really would, that is fine, mention it to the bride, but check your facts first. The bridesmaid is the bride's best friend. As one of the bride's other friends, you may have mixed feelings about this bridesmaid but I think it's important for the bride that you all do things together as a group for her hen night.

I've done things I didn't want to do to please a bride on her hen night and would do again. I've also declined hen nights because I'm not prepared to put myself out for that bride. On one occassion the bridesmaid organising delibrerately arranged things so that another friend could not attend and made life hard for some of the rest of us because she either wasn't thinking or didn't want us there. I didn't let it bother me, discussed it openly with the bride as we are very good friends and let it ride as thoughtlessness.

Trying to get eight or more people to agree on one plan is always going to be hard, so if you can afford it at a struggle, just go along with it, if you really can't afford it, then explain that to the bride and go aong with as much as you can.

If this means serious budgeting between now and then, eating pasta in tomato sauce and no takeaways, then I would do it.