8 year old daughter so unhappy at school - Please help

Mojisola

Polly wrote: »

Thanks for the helpful advice. The irony is that my daughter has no difficulty making friends outside of school and has had a best friend since she was in pre-school but unfortunately, they are at different primary schools. She does lots of outside activites and has several sets of friends from these and indeed has a better social life than me! She is such a sociable child who has always made friends easily therefore I've been at such a loss to understand why she can't crack any of these little groups at school and establish some friendships. She is so sociable and tries so hard that it's heartbreaking to watch her being isolated and excluded over and over again. After 4 years in the school, it's hard to imagine that things will get better.

elvis and Amanda - this doesn't sound like a child who normally has problems making friends. If the only place she's unhappy and friendless is at this school, then yes I would take the chance on moving her if she were mine.

elvis86

Polly wrote: »

This sounds so very familiar. I'm definitely getting a sense of how difficult it might be for the others to get along with her and how a strong assertive streak, so useful in later life, can be a bit of a drawback when you're 8 years old. Still waiting for responses from the mums to the playdate invite but it was certainly very well received by all of the children who said they'd love to come. My daughter came home so very happy yesterday and was up with the lark this morning and ready early for school - usually have to coax her out the door at the last minute. Will keep you posted but thanks again for all the perspective on this tricky subject.

Glad to hear the invite was well received.:)

Its an almost impossible situation, you wouldn't want to discourage your daughter's assertiveness and confidence, but then its quite probable that this is what's causing her problems with the other girls. But it sounds like you might have made progress, though it may be worth mentioning to her that just because they're coming to her house, doesn't mean she's in charge!:D

Good luck!:)

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Just to bear in mind, as you quite wisely are doing so, that there are children who appear at home to be loving, friendly, intelligent and adorable, who, once in the confines of school, become, domineering, self righteous, mean spirited and generally completely dislikeable.

They are often the first voice to wail 'so and so is doing this/not joining in with me/pulling a funny face'. One teacher I know calls them the class policeman. They do often have mothers who for the best of reasons, are completely bereft that their child hasn't got a million friends that all worship her.

There's usually one in every class. My DD has one, who when another girl got the end of term award for behaviour, her mother stomped into the headmaster's office demanding to know why the other child got it first when the other child wasn't as wonderful as her own offspring. The following term, that child got the award. Well, to be honest, the child's mother got the award.

Interestingly, these kids often also have parents very keen to run the PTA, become Governors, volunteer somewhere else within the school.

Sometimes it's because the parent is needy and their child not being number one Queen Bee is felt as an attack upon them.

But I don't know for sure. I do know that they are rarely happy, though.

I hope your actions are making your DD's life better, though and I'm not attacking you - I hear the other side from my kids (and they don't do Cliques).

elvis86

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Just to bear in mind, as you quite wisely are doing so, that there are children who appear at home to be loving, friendly, intelligent and adorable, who, once in the confines of school, become, domineering, self righteous, mean spirited and generally completely dislikeable.

They are often the first voice to wail 'so and so is doing this/not joining in with me/pulling a funny face'. One teacher I know calls them the class policeman. They do often have mothers who for the best of reasons, are completely bereft that their child hasn't got a million friends that all worship her.

There's usually one in every class. My DD has one, who when another girl got the end of term award for behaviour, her mother stomped into the headmaster's office demanding to know why the other child got it first when the other child wasn't as wonderful as her own offspring. The following term, that child got the award. Well, to be honest, the child's mother got the award.

Interestingly, these kids often also have parents very keen to run the PTA, become Governors, volunteer somewhere else within the school.

Sometimes it's because the parent is needy and their child not being number one Queen Bee is felt as an attack upon them.

But I don't know for sure. I do know that they are rarely happy, though.

I hope your actions are making your DD's life better, though and I'm not attacking you - I hear the other side from my kids (and they don't do Cliques).

Of course they don't, dear. Pot. Kettle. Much?:cool:

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Nope. They do, however, do antisocial, grumpy, moody and generally being a PITA, but not cliquey.

Spendless

I know I've mentioned this before but I'll say it again. I have a child with a natural tendancy towards being in charge and being in power. It didn't bode well for friendships when he was younger but what has been the absolute making of him was joining cubs when he was 8.5. They took his natural characteristics and shaped them into leadership- he's now a sixer and his Arkela is forever praising how much of a star he is. Don't expect miracles overnight, it took about a year before we started seeing results. Maturing this way has had 'knock on effects' of playground friendships.

meritaten

I read your post then skipped the replies. the reason for that is that I too had a child who the headmaster described as 'the problem'. but the school didnt have a solution for it. neither did I, until my child was badly beaten up and the police were involved, but could do nothing as the children involved were underage. my solution was to change schools. best thing I could have done- they werent as acedemically succesful as the other school but at least my child was happier there! and never came home with a bloody nose or broken ribs!

Polly

elvis86 wrote: »

Glad to hear the invite was well received.:)

Its an almost impossible situation, you wouldn't want to discourage your daughter's assertiveness and confidence, but then its quite probable that this is what's causing her problems with the other girls. But it sounds like you might have made progress, though it may be worth mentioning to her that just because they're coming to her house, doesn't mean she's in charge!

Yes, I know what you mean but part of the problem is that there are so many of these assertive little girls in the class and they're colliding with one another in an attempt to be No 1. I'll be doing my utmost to make sure that no-one gets to be The Boss and there will be no competitive-type activities. I'm getting a bit of a taste of how difficult it must be to ensure fairness among these little personalities but still maintain that the teacher should know how to deal with this and not reward her favourites at the expense of others.

Originally Posted by Jojo the Tightfisted
Just to bear in mind, as you quite wisely are doing so, that there are children who appear at home to be loving, friendly, intelligent and adorable, who, once in the confines of school, become, domineering, self righteous, mean spirited and generally completely dislikeable.

This remark stung a bit but in fairness to my child, I really don't think she is the person you are describing. There are quite enough of the 'Class Policemen' type already - she doesn't get to fulfil that role.

All of the parents have now been in touch to confirm attendance tomorrow and I have to say - they were all really nice. Looking forward to it and hope it proves a good first step in making things better with a view to staying put in this school. As you may have guessed, I really will only use this option as a last resort as it has been such a good school for my sons who have done so well academically due in no small way to the education they received at this school.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I didn't mean to hurt you, OP, so I apologise for that. I was trying to explain how a child can be wonderful at home but be perceived as a completely different person by the other children, how the qualities that make them so special with family can make them disliked once among other children.

I hope you and your daughter enjoy tomorrow!

triticale

Great thread with a lot I can relate to. My DD(8) has always made friends easily but doesn't have a 'best friend' as such. She will often come home complaining that 'X was really horrible to me and isn't my friend anymore' - next day I drop her off and off she runs with 'X' with X complimenting her on her hair!!

Recently there has been a spate of falling out/making up again among her group of friends, at one point two of her closest friends were 'hating' each other and DD felt bad that she had to choose between them. It's all a life lesson and we always discuss it when I pick her up, so she doesn't just stew worrying about it all.

I disagree that you should move schools, I feel that should be a last resort as it's a great upheaval. Just my opinion of course.

Hope you all have a great time Polly!