8 year old daughter so unhappy at school - Please help

ninky_2

what a distressing situation for you and your little girl must feel very sad about this at times.

i'm not sure this sounds like bullying however. you can't force children to make friends with people and if the teacher says no one has actually been unkind it sounds like your daughter has unfortunately found herself the 'nobby no mates' in a small group of pally girls.

i sympathise because i've been in similar situations myself as a kid no least because we moved home a fair bit and so i was often the new kid with the weird accent plus a bit too brainy for others liking.

at the age of 10 i was so upset my parents agreed to let me have a puppy. this really lifted my spirits as i'd wanted a dog for ages. waiting at the school bus stop with puppy in tow also proved a popular talking point. i wouldn't say get a dog because this is a massive commitment but is there something similar your little girl has wanted that would give her a confidence boost? have you tried organising a party or outing and getting her to invite classmates? are then any ways you could make friends with the other mums so that this could help your daughter be accepted into the circle.

8 girls is not such a small number. and what about the boys in the class? could she make friends with any of them?

are there girls in other classes but at the same school she could make friends with? are there any after school activities she could join?

friendships often change around at this age and it is possible that loyalties will shift giving your daughter an 'in'.

dizziblonde

Will try to type more in a bit (just got in from work and am running around frantically). From my experience she's hit the worst possible age group for girls as well - they're a nightmare around year 2/3/peetering off into year 4 in terms of cliqueyness and fallings out.

Have only skim read at present so will attempt to come back to it later if I don't collapse from the horrid flu bug I've come down with!

Polly

I agree it's not the typical bullying situation but, as described above, a case where you just cannot force children to be friends if they don't want to. I've started checking out other schools in case we have to go down this route but in the meantime, she's made invites for all of the girls to come to our house at the weekend for a 'girls afternoon' with cupcakes, nail painting and hopefully lots of other fun stuff - ideas appreciated. Of course, she could be facing a huge snub if no-one comes but I'm hoping there will be a couple of them at least. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to try to make things work as moving schools is a drastic option and I want to be sure that I've tried everything else before giving up. As regards making friends with the other mums, I'm afraid I haven't made great inroads there either over the last 4 years, which is probably part of the problem. I'm the only mum in this group of 8 who works full time and therefore I miss out on the chats at the school gate morning and afternoon and surprise, surprise, find them a bit clique-y too. They will all say hello and be pleasant but I've found conversation very difficult as they will answer my questions but really are not interested in friendship as they appear to be a close group. I really hope I don't sound arrogant as believe me, I'd love not to work and envy them for the time they get to spend with their children.

As regards the boys in the class - they're a wonderful bunch and she has some great friendships there which is probably why we've endured this situation so long. However, she would just love to be accepted by the girls and this is becoming more and more of an issue with each year that passes.

emsywoo123

OP, the mum's at your DD's school sound alot like the mums at my DD's school......are in you in Kent :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
DD is in year 2, and we have had a little of the behaviour you described last term, but seem to be having a reprieve and they all love each other again (at the moment!!)
I did the whole inviting round a while back, as you are doing, and it did seem to help a great deal.
Good luck xx :A

pinkclouds

Polly wrote: »

As regards the boys in the class - they're a wonderful bunch and she has some great friendships there which is probably why we've endured this situation so long. However, she would just love to be accepted by the girls and this is becoming more and more of an issue with each year that passes.

If she has some great friends amongst the boys then get her to accept that and not hanker after some girls who don't want her. I have always found it difficult to make friends with girls. My best mate is a bloke (since school age) and most of my friends have always been boys. It did use to bother me when I was younger (so she may need some consoling words to accept it) but it's better to just accept it and say "their loss, not mine". Okay, she may not have someone to go to... I don't know... a spa with but at least one of the boys will turn out to be sufficiently girly to go shopping with. Plus boys are more accepting, less catty, say what they mean, don't care what you look like (can't actually notice what you look like), a lot happier and always up for going out (they don't say "omg, it's a bad hair/zit/mood day - rain check for a fortnight"). lol

Polly

LOL - of course you're right. It's hard at that age though to stand on the sidelines watching the girly games taking place and having to play football instead.

Amanda65

Polly wrote: »

As regards making friends with the other mums, I'm afraid I haven't made great inroads there either over the last 4 years, which is probably part of the problem. I'm the only mum in this group of 8 who works full time and therefore I miss out on the chats at the school gate morning and afternoon and surprise, surprise, find them a bit clique-y too. They will all say hello and be pleasant but I've found conversation very difficult as they will answer my questions but really are not interested in friendship as they appear to be a close group.

I think this may be the answer to your problem. At your DD's age you still tend to invite round the children of mums you are friendly with as it's just easier. Not fair, I know, and I'm sure no-one means to be mean, it's just the way it is. I worked part time when mine were little (best and worst of both worlds and worlds :rotfl::rotfl:) and the full time working mums really did miss out. I realise that time (and maybe money) may be precious but is there a possibility of attending any PTA social events or organising a mums night out for your class, maybe for the end of term ?

Well done on arranging the party at the weekend - I'm sure some will be able to come, although being a Bank Holiday don't be too upset if there are other family plans afoot for others. You could always have a 'disco' as well, all little girls love to dance

And finally, I do agree with the earlier poster about the age - Year 3 was absolutely the worst for both my girls, partly as they moved up to the middle school from the infants. However although at the time it was awful it really didn't last long looking back and they are both happy girls aged 18 and 16 with loads of friends. In a few weeks you will no doubt be fed up with DD constantly nagging to have yet another friend round for tea :D:D:D:D

Polly

There is a dreadful 'them and us' vibe with the working and non-working mothers at the school and many of my friends with children there have commented on it in the past. It's true that I tend to invite the children of mums I'm friendly with (well spotted) and definitely feel a chill from the other ones, despite my best efforts over the years to establish friendships between my daughter and their children but to no avail. They perhaps feel they have little in common with me and by extension, tend to invite the children of the other mums to their homes, which is this issue in reverse. This sounds like an issue for Mumsnet but I find the views on that site so extreme at times I don't want to go there :eek:

[Deleted User]

I hope that things are going better for your daughter.

Agree with above post that friendship with mothers can help. Sometimes the "friendships" at this age are more about the mothers socialising and the daughters getting to know one another and the friendship continuing at school I was not good at the school gate but found a niche in the PTA which helped my daughter so it might be worth giving it a try.

galvanizersbaby

Polly wrote: »

There is a dreadful 'them and us' vibe with the working and non-working mothers at the school and many of my friends with children there have commented on it in the past. It's true that I tend to invite the children of mums I'm friendly with (well spotted) and definitely feel a chill from the other ones, despite my best efforts over the years to establish friendships between my daughter and their children but to no avail. They perhaps feel they have little in common with me and by extension, tend to invite the children of the other mums to their homes, which is this issue in reverse. This sounds like an issue for Mumsnet but I find the views on that site so extreme at times I don't want to go there :eek:

Oh dear - I do sympathise OP - I am a working mum and occasionally encounter the same issues.
My DD (Year 1) is in a class with only 6 girls and 19 boys! :eek:
She does get on with most of the girls ok but seems to struggle with some of the sort of cliqueness you are describing at times.
Fortunately she goes to after school club and has made friends with girls in other classes (mainly older than her) but fortunately she is very confident and nothing too major has happened at school yet.
With such a small number of girls in the class though it is a bit of a worry!
DS is in the year above her and she has made friends with a number of girls in his class so I guess that is a bonus (haven't had any of these troubles with DS - boys don't seem to do the clique thing )

The 'girls afternoon' you have planned sounds fab I hope it goes well x