8 year old daughter so unhappy at school - Please help

mrcow

Polly wrote: »

As regards making friends with the other mums, I'm afraid I haven't made great inroads there either over the last 4 years, which is probably part of the problem. I'm the only mum in this group of 8 who works full time and therefore I miss out on the chats at the school gate morning and afternoon and surprise, surprise, find them a bit clique-y too. They will all say hello and be pleasant but I've found conversation very difficult as they will answer my questions but really are not interested in friendship as they appear to be a close group.

Be aware though that this can work to your advantage too. The fact that you are on friendly enough terms with them is often good enough. Sometimes when you scratch the surface, you can reveal that not all parents are as good a "buddies" as it would seem

The idea of a fun afternoon at the weekend is good. Do you have a movie planned too (always a good back up plan)? If the weather is nice, you can always do a chocolate coin treasure hunt out the garden (or in the house if you can tolerate the noise!). I did a treasure hunt for my son (with riddles to solve for the next hiding place) for his birthday (prize was a film and pocorn and a little gift each) and it went down a storm - maybe a little too well as all the kids were really into it.

The main thing is keeping up with it. Make a point of inviting someone over for dinner etc once every month or so. The whole one to one play thing really does help to cement friendships.

sarahs999

I just wanted to add - I too am a full time working mum. My son only started school in Septemeber but I was keenly aware, even before he started, that if I wanted to get to know the other mums I would have to work hard (I drop my son off in the morning but have to leave fairly pronto for the train). First I put myself forward for class rep (no one else wanted to do it, so that was easy enough!). Then I started organising monthly pub meet-ups for the paretns, firstly in just my son's class and now for the other two reception classes too. I've met some really nice people and now the mums nad dads really do know who I am despite me not being there all the time. I also make sure I volunteer at things likethe school fete and discos, eveni f it means that I take some time off work. It's worked really well and I really feel as much a part of the school as I can be without actually hanging around it all the time.

Might this work for you? Realise it might be a bit late in a way becaue of the groups that have already formed but hte pub idea might be good?

ninky_2

mrcow wrote: »

The main thing is keeping up with it. Make a point of inviting someone over for dinner etc once every month or so. The whole one to one play thing really does help to cement friendships.

this is brilliant advice. we often learn the ability to make (and keep!) friends from our parents. i've always been a bit of a loner with possibly a bit of mild social phobia (or maybe it's just my personality). the friends i do have it's because they've made a great effort to stay friends. popular people often seem to have an ease with them but scratch beneath and they often work hard at creating and maintaining a social circle. i can think of one really good friend who is always organising group get togethers and keeps at it even when people (inevitably) have other plans or let people down at the last moment.

you can be happy with just a couple of close friends and a partner but they do say that more popular people at school tend to be the ones who have the greatest success later in life (rather than the academic bookish ones like myself!) - so if you want to give your daughter this advantage you are going to have to work at it with her.

i think i'm now at a stage where i find it hard to change my social patterns but 'winning friends and influencing people' is an important social skill.

Polly

You're all spot on with the advice and I have to admit that I've made minimal effort with these parents, apart from a friendly hello. I just can't seem to find anything in common with them, apart from the fact that our children are in school together. I really wouldn't know them well enough to organise a night out but this would be a good idea. I'm well enough established at school and have been an active member of the PTA for ten years (I have 2 older children who have already left the school - both boys who just loved being at this school). Despite the efforts of the PTA, we have not been able to get any of these mothers (or fathers) to engage or support the PTA or its activities. I have done loads of fundraising for the school too and it was almost impossible to get any of them even to donate for stuff like new PE equipment which their own children were going to benefit from. Going back to them now to try to organise something social when they have turned down all previous attempts at engagement will be tough.

morg_monster

Hey polly, looking on the bright side, being friends with all those boys, if she stayed at the school she'll be much more popular with the girls in a couple of years time when they all start chasing the boys (and the boys look at each other in bewilderment...)

Seriously though. Its good that you are involved with the school and you're right, it will be tough to engage those parents further. It sounds heartbreaking really :-( I don't really have much advice I'm afraid. I don't know what I'd do if it was my child. I was a little girl once and the whole cliqueyness thing at that age is awful, I remember being bounced about between groups of friends at about that age and a one particular instigator "mean girl" who was the ringleader and dictator of who was "in" or "out". Either your best friend, or your worst enemy, for no reason. She was a great manipulator, even at 8. Happily there was always someone I could buddy up with. We moved around a lot, but I've recently become friends on facebook with some of the girls from that time period - the ringleader lives near me and keeps dropping hints about meeting up but I can't forget what she was like at school!

For bufger or anyone who doubts how serious young kids' bullying can be, or the effect it can have, try reading Margaret Atwood's Cats Eye. I read it last month and it reduced me to tears a few times. It sounds like your daughter's situation is not as serious as the one she writes about but still. It reminded me how horrid some girls can be...

Polly

The boys are definitely loyal companions and I have a niece who went through primary school with only the boys for company. Now that she's 13 she has a number of these boys in her class at secondary school with her and they're the most loyal friends she could wish for. Woe betide anyone who upsets her! However, she has often described how sad she was going through primary school without any girls for company and it was very difficult for her. Waiting to find out how many guests we're going to have at the weekend and will post back then.

elvis86

Polly wrote: »

You're all spot on with the advice and I have to admit that I've made minimal effort with these parents, apart from a friendly hello. I just can't seem to find anything in common with them, apart from the fact that our children are in school together. I really wouldn't know them well enough to organise a night out but this would be a good idea. I'm well enough established at school and have been an active member of the PTA for ten years (I have 2 older children who have already left the school - both boys who just loved being at this school). Despite the efforts of the PTA, we have not been able to get any of these mothers (or fathers) to engage or support the PTA or its activities. I have done loads of fundraising for the school too and it was almost impossible to get any of them even to donate for stuff like new PE equipment which their own children were going to benefit from. Going back to them now to try to organise something social when they have turned down all previous attempts at engagement will be tough.

Playing devil's advocate here, but if you're a member of the PTA and your 2 eldest attended the school, and you've not had a problem with the school's anti-bullying etc policies before...could it perhaps be true that your daughter isn't entirely blameless..?:(

Kids can be fickle, and cruel, but it could be the case that your daughter has a confident, strong willed, opinionated personality that will stand her in brilliant stead in a few years time, but makes her a little intimidating for other girls at the moment? Remember you're only getting her side of the story...

Its quite possible that the teachers haven't noticed the others excluding your daughter (she could be exaggerating slightly?), quite possible that they have noticed her potentially challenging personality traits etc, but that as any "incidents" seem to have been inconsequential they've not reported these to you (do you really expect to be told about every little squabble or disagreement, or think that fully reporting them to parents is the best use of the teachers' time?:cool:).

As I say, I'm just trying to be a bit more objective.:)

Polly

Quote: "Kids can be fickle, and cruel, but it could be the case that your daughter has a confident, strong willed, opinionated personality that will stand her in brilliant stead in a few years time, but makes her a little intimidating for other girls at the moment? Remember you're only getting her side of the story..."[/QUOTE]

Yes, I fully accept that this could be the case but as I only have my daughter's word to go on, I just don't know where the truth lies. In case she IS telling the truth, I can't fail to listen or act when things get too much for her to bear. Because I don't have an open line of communication with any of the mothers, I'm not getting to hear the other side of the story but having said that, the mothers of the boys aren't telling me anything negative about her behaviour and she is extremely popular with this group.

Don't get me wrong - with 3 children I know only too well that they're no angels and try very hard not to deceive myself about any of them. They're no better and no worse than anyone else's children. I was very honest with the Principal about aspects of her personality that may be causing a problem - she is very assertive and so articulate that he did say that she often comes out on top in a verbal exchange, perhaps adding to her unpopularity.

The feedback on this thread has been both useful and welcome so please feel free to be as honest as you like. I'm not trying to kid myself -what good would that do?

elvis86

Polly wrote: »

Yes, I fully accept that this could be the case but as I only have my daughter's word to go on, I just don't know where the truth lies. In case she IS telling the truth, I can't fail to listen or act when things get too much for her to bear. Because I don't have an open line of communication with any of the mothers, I'm not getting to hear the other side of the story but having said that, the mothers of the boys aren't telling me anything negative about her behaviour and she is extremely popular with this group.

Don't get me wrong - with 3 children I know only too well that they're no angels and try very hard not to deceive myself about any of them. They're no better and no worse than anyone else's children. I was very honest with the Principal about aspects of her personality that may be causing a problem - she is very assertive and so articulate that he did say that she often comes out on top in a verbal exchange, perhaps adding to her unpopularity.

From what you've said, perhaps your daughter is too intimidating for the other girls? Someone with her personality traits possibly doesn't sit well in a group of girls, maybe she's too mature, clever or opinionated for them and fits in better with boys who aren't as timid and afraid to challenge her?

If she has friends in the boys, where is she getting this idea that she has to be best friends with the girls in order to be fulfilled and happy from? Is it possible that other people are making her see this as a big issue. Perhaps even, you?

As long as she has friends, I don't really see the problem? I only really had girl friends at Primary School, but I was never made to feel like I was doing something wrong and needed boy friends (that only started when I got to High School.:().

galvanizersbaby

sarahs999 wrote: »

I just wanted to add - I too am a full time working mum. My son only started school in Septemeber but I was keenly aware, even before he started, that if I wanted to get to know the other mums I would have to work hard (I drop my son off in the morning but have to leave fairly pronto for the train). First I put myself forward for class rep (no one else wanted to do it, so that was easy enough!). Then I started organising monthly pub meet-ups for the paretns, firstly in just my son's class and now for the other two reception classes too. I've met some really nice people and now the mums nad dads really do know who I am despite me not being there all the time. I also make sure I volunteer at things likethe school fete and discos, eveni f it means that I take some time off work. It's worked really well and I really feel as much a part of the school as I can be without actually hanging around it all the time.

Might this work for you? Realise it might be a bit late in a way becaue of the groups that have already formed but hte pub idea might be good?

Apologies OP for going off at a tangent but Sarahs999 just wondered what a class rep was and what it entails?
Have not heard it before (well only in DS's class but that is one of the children who hands out the fruit in class)