8 year old daughter so unhappy at school - Please help

sarahs999

Well I guess it differs from school to school and probably many schools don't have this at all. In my son's school it's a function of the PTA, each class has its own rep who is responsible for handing out newsletters to that class etc, making sure any PTA messages get home. In practice though, it's involved nothing very much at all and seems a bit pointless to me. Seems like someone else from the PTA who is at the school more often is the one handing out the newsletters.

ninky_2

Polly wrote: »

You're all spot on with the advice and I have to admit that I've made minimal effort with these parents, apart from a friendly hello. I just can't seem to find anything in common with them, apart from the fact that our children are in school together.

you might just have to work harder to establish that bond. can you try to 'facebook' friend them? this is a casual way in and it's easy to start to get to know them with the occassional personal message. maybe you can start a facebook group for parents or one for the pta. then maybe through this a social outside of school.

then i think you need to let people in. maybe you can confide in one or two that you are worried about your girl and that she doesn't find it easy to mix. ask if they've ever had this issue and what do they think you could do about it. if they've any heart at all they'd love to come to your aid and will soon be helping out by getting their girls to invite her to things. friendships often strengthen between people when they show vulnerability and is much more approachable than putting on a veneer of 'life's great, we're fine'.

i know it's not easy. i talk the talk but i don't always walk the walk myself! so good luck with it.

missindecisive

sorry, hav'nt read the whole of the replies to this, but I would just move her to a different school

galvanizersbaby

sarahs999 wrote: »

Well I guess it differs from school to school and probably many schools don't have this at all. In my son's school it's a function of the PTA, each class has its own rep who is responsible for handing out newsletters to that class etc, making sure any PTA messages get home. In practice though, it's involved nothing very much at all and seems a bit pointless to me. Seems like someone else from the PTA who is at the school more often is the one handing out the newsletters.

I see - I was interested to see what this entailed as you said you were working full-time - I couldn't make sure PTA newsletters got home etc.. as I don't pick my children up from school they go to the after school club.

The PTA at our school mostly meet directly after school so the meetings are a problem for me to attend as still at work - I do offer to help out in class sometimes for events and take afternoon off work.

I would like to get more involved in the PTA but it is mostly mum's with more time on their hands who are able to spend quite a bit of their time at the school.

bestpud

DD(8) often comes home and tells me she was left out of this and that!

In reality (we usually get to the bottom of it eventually) what she means is she wanted to play one game and three others didn't and she refused to give in to the majority!

She likes to be in charge and often tries to take over the teachers job (I'm told) so I can see how she clashes with the other children. The child she clashes with all the time is actually a male but is very similar to dd in that he likes to be boss!

The funny thing is, when I've discussed this with other parents, they are all going home saying pretty much the same things! In fact I overheard one child moaning to her mum about my dd the other day! It was quite amusing to hear the other side for once as I have no doubt she was right!

I've discussed this at length with dd and she is starting to accept friendship is about give and take and we can't always have our own way.

Now she has developed that strong sense of justice they tend to get around this age and gets very indignant if people go back on promises or aren't completely fair! That's the latest issue with her.

Often she complains they say they will play her game later but then go back on it.

Interestingly, there is more boys in dd's class and she has always tended to interact more with them too. It's only really this year she is finding she doesn't fit in either camp entirely and is starting to lean towards the girls.

It's quite sad in a way but I'm glad she can get on happily with either tbh.

She does see them in the holidays and we do tea/play dates after school but none of us do this a lot tbh.

The trouble with dd is she is very sensitive under the surface and takes things personally but she appears very confident. I often wonder how children cope with this disparity in her... Does your dd ever tell her 'friends' how she actually feels or does she shrug it off and find a boy to play with?

I do think it helps to invite children round but don't get hung up about this or you will pass on your anxieties to your dd. Hopefully the party and some play dates will enable you to see how she interacts with them too as that can be quite revealing.

elvis86

bestpud wrote: »

DD(8) often comes home and tells me she was left out of this and that!

In reality (we usually get to the bottom of it eventually) what she means is she wanted to play one game and three others didn't and she refused to give in to the majority!

She likes to be in charge and often tries to take over the teachers job (I'm told) so I can see how she clashes with the other children. The child she clashes with all the time is actually a male but is very similar to dd in that he likes to be boss!

The funny thing is, when I've discussed this with other parents, they are all going home saying pretty much the same things! In fact I overheard one child moaning to her mum about my dd the other day! It was quite amusing to hear the other side for once as I have no doubt she was right!

I've discussed this at length with dd and she is starting to accept friendship is about give and take and we can't always have our own way.

Now she has developed that strong sense of justice they tend to get around this age and gets very indignant if people go back on promises or aren't completely fair! That's the latest issue with her.

Often she complains they say they will play her game later but then go back on it.

This is all so true! Even as adults, we all moan about something someone has done or said, but in a later moment of clarity and objectivity we acknowledge that they probably felt just as aggrieved as us and that it was a two-way thing.

So obviously children, who aren't as emotionally mature or worldly wise, may not quite have the second stage mastered just yet!:D

Being left out could quite possibly equal, "I wanted to play X, the others wanted to play Y, I got left out [because I was too stubborn to join in with Y, so bit off my nose to spite my face!].:cool:

Mojisola

Polly wrote: »

I have a bright articulate daughter who is in a class of only 20 children at primary school. So far so good but only 8 of the children are girls and this situation has led to a series of problems in relation to friendships within the class. The main issue is that after almost 4 years in school, she hasn't been able to make a best friend, leaving her at the mercy of a couple of 'cliques' of girls who will play with her one day and then leave her out for several days at a time.

This is the bit that would make me act. It isn't a stage the children are going through - the OP's daughter has been coping with this for four years!

I would be looking at other schools.

elvis86

Mojisola wrote: »

This is the bit that would make me act. It isn't a stage the children are going through - the OP's daughter has been coping with this for four years!

I would be looking at other schools.

Thus making the assumption that the problem lies entirely with the other girls, and that your child is the completely blameless.:cool:

As other, more objective posters (including the OP herself) have recognised, some of your child's (not necessarily negative) personality traits may mean they're not always the easiest person to get on with for other children. Plus, a child's definition of "I'm always left out" could well be "They wouldn't play what I wanted to" etc.

So, you put your child through the upheaval of moving to another school, she has the added difficulty of being the new girl to contend with, and lo and behold, she reports recieving the same treatment from the girls there. Then what? Home school?

Amanda65

Mojisola wrote: »

This is the bit that would make me act. It isn't a stage the children are going through - the OP's daughter has been coping with this for four years!

I would be looking at other schools.

Also remember that many girls go through school without a 'best' friend and it's not always a bad thing. Both DD's have always been part of groups of friends (tbh they did both have best friends but DD1's best friend is the daughter of one of my best friends and DD2's best friend lived next door so both were kind of thrown together). Not having a 'best' friend is not always a bad thing - if that one girl leaves, or is off school it can be very difficult for the girl remaining to form other friendships.

Polly

elvis86 wrote: »

Being left out could quite possibly equal, "I wanted to play X, the others wanted to play Y, I got left out [because I was too stubborn to join in with Y, so bit off my nose to spite my face!].:cool:

This sounds so very familiar. I'm definitely getting a sense of how difficult it might be for the others to get along with her and how a strong assertive streak, so useful in later life, can be a bit of a drawback when you're 8 years old. Still waiting for responses from the mums to the playdate invite but it was certainly very well received by all of the children who said they'd love to come. My daughter came home so very happy yesterday and was up with the lark this morning and ready early for school - usually have to coax her out the door at the last minute. Will keep you posted but thanks again for all the perspective on this tricky subject.