8 year old daughter so unhappy at school - Please help

Polly

I have a bright articulate daughter who is in a class of only 20 children at primary school. So far so good but only 8 of the children are girls and this situation has led to a series of problems in relation to friendships within the class. The main issue is that after almost 4 years in school, she hasn't been able to make a best friend, leaving her at the mercy of a couple of 'cliques' of girls who will play with her one day and then leave her out for several days at a time. I have tried hard not to intervene, hoping it would sort itself out but finally went into the school last year regarding issues with one little girl who was just making my daughter's life unbearable. The class teacher did some work on inclusion with the girls and things got a bit better. It has flared up again now but this time with a different girl. My husband and I met with the Principal yesterday as we felt that this has now become a bullying issue but his response was that our daughter is the problem. He also brought her class teacher into the meeting to describe incidents where she has shown insensitivity to others. I accept that these incidents may have happened (although they had never before made us aware of them) but the shocking thing was that although our daughter has repeatedly come home upset following incidents at school, the teacher stated that she has NEVER ONCE witnessed anyone being unkind to her. I feel they are 'ganging up' to protect the school from an allegation of bullying as dealing with it is just too difficult. I also feel that we now have no choice but to remove our child from the school as not only are they unwilling to do anything to improve things for her, but instead they are making her out to be a 'villain', although as I said, they had never once raised any issues with her behaviour or conduct. I'm at a loss to know what to do and didn't sleep a wink last night. Please help with some sensible advice if you've been in this situation or perhaps if you are a teacher with some experience of this type of thing.

TUS

Is your daughter involved in any social activities outside of school? Maybe its worth getting her involved in something if not. It may help to develop her confidence in her own social skills and improve her confidence in other people - helping her to understand that not everyone is the same and some are more accepting than others.

I don't mean to discredit/snub your concerns, as they are completely normal for a parent to have. However, I would say this is a phase. Its a funny age where children DO get clique-y at school and develop groups. Children need to learn how to deal with these situations and as she is young she has not experience of this yet.

Our role, as parents, in this kind of scenario is to help our children learn how to manage situations correctly. I think pulling her out of school would be detrimental as it's avoiding the issue and may leave her feeling like either she's done something wrong or the school didn't want her. Rejection is a bad thing at that age.

Hope that helps, a fresh perspective is often good to have. In terms of practical things - I would suggest talking to her about it productively, asking her what she wants and try to encourage her to join some out of school groups (brownies, or a sports club maybe?, dance, gymnastics, etc).

Bufger

My other half is a primary teacher in Year 1 and she has witnessed all kinds of things related to this. It is completely different for each school, some are great at not only teaching inclusion but actively promoting it every day without the kids realising its a lesson of life. Other schools do the bare minimum on the curriculum and have lost the will to teach properly due to the government changing strategies every couple of years.

You mentioned they hadnt talked about any problems in the past but they also go on to say that your daughter is the problem. Whether she is the problem or the victim you should have been informed immediately after any incidents have occured so you can teach your child the relevant values at home as well as her learning them in school. This is the school failing you in this instance so speak about this one first without any mention of blame.

Next comes the blame bit... Some times parents think their children are the sweetest most innocent things in the world and when told otherwise they're in complete denial. I dont know if this is the case with you but its worth considering that your daughter may be the instigator, i would try and remain indiferent until proven one way or the other as punishing a child for something they didnt do will affect them more than anything, on the other hand giving them more attention after they've done something wrong will also have a double negative effect. Get to the root cause before taking a stance would be my advice.

I would go to the governers with the first issue (the school failing to notify you of problems). Write to them and the head just saying how you feel. Dont make it too personal and keep it professional. See where it goes from there

*onlyme*

Are there any girls in her class she does like and get's on with? Would you be able to invite one round after school for dinner/play?

I agree with writing to the head of governors and keep a diary of your actions/meetings.

Hope you can get this sorted quickly.

Polly

Thanks for the helpful advice. The irony is that my daughter has no difficulty making friends outside of school and has had a best friend since she was in pre-school but unfortunately, they are at different primary schools. She does lots of outside activites and has several sets of friends from these and indeed has a better social life than me! She is such a sociable child who has always made friends easily therefore I've been at such a loss to understand why she can't crack any of these little groups at school and establish some friendships. She is so sociable and tries so hard that it's heartbreaking to watch her being isolated and excluded over and over again. After 4 years in the school, it's hard to imagine that things will get better.

Bufger

[QUOTE=Polly;32241657_it's_heartbreaking_to_watch_her_being_isolated_and_excluded_over_and_over_again._After_4_years_in_the_school,_it's_hard_to_imagine_that_things_will_get_better.[/QUOTE]

Remember all the stuff that happened at school to you? it all seems kind of trivial now. The same will happen with her, as soon as she leaves for secondary she wont take a second thought at what happened.

The only exception is if it has some harsh mental impact on her. It doesnt appear to have as she keeps trying to fit in. if she was now shying away, excluding herself from everything and not trying anymore it would be more of a cause for concern.

*onlyme*

We moved our 8 year old daughter from her school in January, this wasn't because she didn't have friends, this was because of violence (Yes primary school!) and the school not guarantee the safety of the children. We are not the only one that pulled our daughter out but things have not improved from what I hear from other parents.

Our daughter did not want to go to school anymore because she was so frightened. To cut a long story short, when we asked her what she would think of going to another school, she couldn't wait! She wanted to feel safe and not forgotten about.

Now she is at her new school and loves it. It is a 40 mins walk there and back but we don't mind that. She is happy, she is thriving and very settled.

What I wanted to get to is that don't write off moving her to another school. If she is so unhappy, which must break your heart, keep it in mind.

We visited several schools and took our daughter with us, and it is very easy actually to change schools, I was amazed actually!

brians_daughter

I have never been in this situ with any of mine, but one of the Mums was at ds1's school. (but her child was more shy and quite - your dd doesnt seem to be)

Mum spoke to her ds and asked who he 'liked' in school. She then sent invites to these kids and asked them to a tea party- my son being 1 of the invited ones. Some 6 or 7 years later this young boy is a fixture in our house alomst every night - infact oh commented the other day 'only 5 places at the table, is Harry not here?' because he is here so much!

As i say, not the same situation, but you know what they say... 'softly, softly catches the monkey'

You could raise the issues formally, but also invite the girls round to a tea party (just sandwiches and drinks and cake and a game or two - nothing spectacular or expensive).

You will probably find once the boundaries of school are broken and your daughter is 'queen of the roost' ie in her own home it may just be the 'push' they need to include your wonderful dd? Its not going to happen overnight and you may need a few visits, i am not saying divide and conquor, but if there are, say, 3 girls that are in a group and they seem to be the ones dd wants to play with you could maybe invite these 3?

The issues your dd's school speak of that have never been brought to your attention need addressing in a formal way, but if you can help DD in the meantime thats all that matters at this point - as its something you can instigate almost instantly

I wish you luck, its awful when we can see your babies (no matter what their age) unhappy.

slobs

If that were my child she would already be at home or at another school.
My daughter was in similar situation (although a bit older when the bullying started - 11) and it has had a huge impact on her adult life. The school were unhelpful and didn't want to know despite several visits and complaints from us.
She had a breakdown at 17 and has since suffered from depression for 5 years. She's had tablets and lots of councilling which found that the whole downhill spiral stemmed from the problems she had at school.
Her life is finally back on track, but due to the problems she had, we removed both younger children from school at the age of 11.
My older son started high school a few years later and began showing similar signs of depression within 6 months, and went from happy, confident child to insular, sad and morose one.
Knowing the likely outcome, we removed both sons from school and from age 11 - 15, both boys were home educated. They are now 15 and 16 and recently decided to go back to school to take their exams.
Oldest son has done 2yrs gcse work in 7 months and all his exams are predicted A* grade. He really enjoys learning and the 4 years at home have made him a much happier person. The teachers are amazed that 4 years with no formal learning has had no effect at all on his grades. His ambition now is to be nuclear physicist!
Younger son (1 year younger) is doing well too, (despite several medical problems) he is less academic and more creative than his brother but having no problems at all and loves school too.
I suppose the point of my thread is: My children's happiness is far, far more important than a formal education. I just wish that I had known I could home educated when my daughter was having her issues - maybe I could have saved her years of hell, medication and suicide attempts.

daska

OK, I'm looking at this with the benefit of hindsight over DS1s primary school. DS1 was in a very similar position, very bright but his only friends were outside school. My husband and I had just taken the decision to move him when my stepdaughter came to live with us and we ended up feeling that it was best for 'them' to stay put. How wrong we were. We should have stuck with the move and let him start over.

My personal view is that, as the school has not managed to address the inclusion issues in the last year, it is now time to move her to a new environment.

sarahs999

I feel really sorry for your daughter. It reminds me of when I was at school.

I was quite bossy and opinionated (only child!), and used to orchestrate big games in the playground based on films and books (I think I was a frustrated theatre director!), was quite dominant and also very bright (usually top of the class ). This of course was a recipe for disaster, and in my final year at primary school I was ostracised by everyone in the class at the instigation of a very unpleasant girl. Literally, no one talked to me, apart from to insult me. Your line about the teachers saying they had seen nothing bad happen to your daughter really reminded me of this - my mum went to the school to complain and the teachers insisted they had seen nothing unusual. Bossy, dominant girl suddenly goes quiet and withdrawn and no one will sit next to her? Useless bunch of idiots!

I assumed they had seen but didn't think they could do anything about it, but it turned out that they had just not noticed. It was a red flag to me that teachers do miss things, even stuff that's right under their nose. I'm always going to remember that for my own children.