I am a Bridezilla and my confession is....

Ringo27

My confession is that it just dawned on my the other day that there's no use thinking "I just need to get passed the wedding day" because I'll have to deal with my annoying and controlling mother-in-law forever!

She is actually my OH's Stepmother, his mother died 14 years ago and his father remarried this woman about 10 years ago.

She's always had this way of being sickeningly sweet infront of people and saying backhanded compliments and little digs.

When we first booked our wedding she sent me a guilt trip email saying she wanted to invite her Sister and Brother-in-law and their children/partners as they felt under-represented at our wedding.

It's ridiculous, for example there are 3 of my family (including me) on the top table versus 5 of her immediate family (including groom).

The thing is I have never met her sister, brother in law or their grown up children and partners, I have met all of my groom's other Aunties, Uncles and cousins (his late mum's siblings) and we are close to them.
I've been with my OH for 7 years and I have yet to meet these people, they've not come to any of the christmasses/birthdays/engagements/BBQs/funerals/various other events in all that time and my groom isn't close to them AT ALL!

We're only have a small wedding; registry office, close friends/family meal in a restaurant and on to a function suite for a party.

Her sister and brother in law are invited to the ceremony and the party - I did not want them at the ceremony but I caved. But I have said I don't want them at the meal.. Not only would they not fit at any of the tables (1.top table, 2.my family, 3.his maternal aunties/uncles, 4.our friends)

I don't understand how it's unreasonable for me to say I don't want anybody there who I haven't met or who the groom isn't close to. I don't understand her saying that she wants more 'representation' surely the only people who should be invited are people who represent me and the groom!

It's just really frustrating me! My groom isn't really helping either he keeps saying 'oh it's just the way she is' or 'she's just used to having it her way' but that doesn't make it right!

There's so many other little digs and comments she's made, there's too much to put here. I feel like crying!

If it's my mum or my sisters or my groom I can argue till the cows come home, we're close enough to fight and bounce back straight away but I find it difficult to argue with people I'm not as close with. (How sad after 7 years I'm still this distant with her!) The last time something happened was on her birthday and she was telling me off about it whilst my future brother and father in law sat watching the TV (they're all so used to rolling over to her will) and the most my groom said was 'let's not talk about this on your birthday' which didn't stop her.

I'm absolutely burning with embarassment right now thinking of all the stuff I could've said back! I just can't actually say them to her face! It's so annoying because I'm in the RIGHT but she's so unreasonable there's almost no point even trying to say anything more to her!

Anyway the most ANNOYING part is we got an RSVP from her sister who replied on behalf of her husband, her 2 grown up children and their partners who were all sent seperate invitations - I have no idea why they needed their mother to reply for them, but anyway! They're coming to the ceremony but have declined the reception invite with no reason! I'm furious! All this aggravation and they're not even bothered anyway! I feel like screeeaming at my future MIL!

So the good news is they're not coming and my ceremony's so quick I can probably just ignore them and escape off to the meal so myself or a bridesmaid doesn't accidentally blurt out something mean to them! It's funny because the only way I would recognise these people to say anything to them is that they'd be the only people I wouldn't recognise!

Anywaaayy.. I suppose my other confession is that even though I've now gotten my way and they're not coming to most of the day I'm still annoyed that I wasn't able to just tell off my controlling mother in law like she deserves!

I'm sorry for this long post but I am so upset/annoyed/relieved/angry at myself about this!

clarabell1984

My confession is that i'm so annoyed with my in laws to be!

We had my h2b parents round for dinner on Saturday to discuss our guest list.

I would like to send out my save the date cards in the next month or so and we decided that we really needed to decide who we wanted to attend through the day at the wedding before we could send them.

We decided on 80 guests for day time as this is the venues minimum and also suited our budget. We are going to over invite by 10% for anyone who won't be able to make it (we already reckon 5 family members won't be able to come due to work/family commitments).

Included in the 80 guests we left space for his parents to invite 6 friends (3 couples) and 10 guests for evening reception. So we presented them with the list and told them the numbers they had available. It all went downhill from there!

They decided that they couldn't chose between 2 couples to make the 3rd couple and that they didn't want to upset/hurt their friends. His dad then suggested that if he paid for them to come, it would mean that they could invite all 6 couples through the day (not even just the 4 they couln't chose from!) - double what we had allocated them.

Now my hb2 said to his dad that he wouldn't ever ask him to pay extra but if that's what he wanted to do then that was up to them.

Sitting slumped in the corner all i wanted to do was shout out- "I don't want all your random friends that I don't even know coming to my wedding!"

But i didn't and now i'm feeling really upset that they have effectively bought their way out of having to make a choice! This is what we have had to do, downgrade friends to evening as numbers were tight! I could count on one hand the friends that my parents are having there all day and i just don't think its fair :mad:

Now h2b and i keep falling out about it every time we try to casually chat about it. He says that he'll sort it by telling them they can't invite extra people but doesn't want to come across as ungrateful (his parents are kindly gifting us some money towards the wedding which they told us at the beginning was for us to use however we wanted and they weren't going to dictate anything to us).

My dad has also very kindly gifted a significant amount of money towards the wedding too.

We're both annoyed that his parents haven't respected the choice we have asked them to make and that we were put on the spot and ended up agreeing to something that we're really not that happy to do.

Feeling really down now

I'd also like to add that I'm aware that I might be being a drama queen, but it's my wedding and feel like I shouldn't have to justify myself to them for not wanting 12 of their friends there!

Sazzarella

clarabell1984 thats awful!!


Im not sure where this tradition came from about inviting parents friends to the wedding. Maybe it was an old thing where everyone and their dog came to the church. However in this day and age I dont understand why people still feel under pressure to keep the tradition alive. I also dont understand why people you've never met want to come to your wedding?!

Why dont you just tell them no? At the end of the day its you and OH wedding and you can have whatever you want/dont want. Also regarding the money and maybe they feel they have contributed to the wedding so they should be allowed to have everything they want - Tell them youve spent the money on the honeymoon instead.

It seems with weddings and parents you really have to put your foot down.

Trixsie1989

Clarabell I've had the same issues with mil and oh's aunt wanting to invite every person they know! I've never met some of oh's family and we've had to invite them even tho oh hasn't seen them in years. His aunt isn't contributing to the wedding as far as we know and his mum has offered to pay for our cake topper and nothing more. On the other hand my dad has said he will give us some money but not specified what and when I've asked him about family friends etc he's said he's not bothered, we should invite who we want as it's our special day. We have invited a 2 of mils friend to the evening and the same with my dad's friends but they are our friends too so not just randoms. It's caused me so much stress right from the beginning but now I just say no and refuse to discuss it further because it just causes arguments. We have decided who we want there and that's final. I keep getting alot of 'weddings are expensive and that's just the way it is' but it doesn't have to be like that, it has to,be realistic to your own budget. We don't earn mega bucks, don't want to start married life in debt so are doing it in a smaller scale which suits us but obviously is annoying certain ppl.my dad also,now has a new partner as of this month. Mil found out and said well I need a date then.ive said were at full capacity for registry so tough luck and my dad is not going to have his partner there if they are still together then coz of this. We chose our guest list before this came about so I refuse to cut ppl because they want to bring extras. Plus where would they sit? The random date for mil wouldn't no,anyone but her and she's going to,be on top table with us so it just seems pointless. They will be able to come to evening tho if they want as we can have upto 150 but only 60 in day xxx

clarabell1984

Thanks girls!

I'm starting to calm down a bit now! Although it keeps running through my mind and I think, ok maybe I'm being over the top and then I think no, it's too many people

My h2b has said he will speak to his parents and tell them no extra but he doesn't as yet know how to go about it so I know he will put it off and put it off.

I just want it resolved as I'll only stress about it! And we're still not talking properly so it's putting strain on out relationship

krustylouise

My confession is....I'm having a serious case of the wedding jitters and with noone to talk to I'm blowing it way out of proportion in my head!

Velvet_Glove

Clarabell, not to the same extent but my in laws did the same - extended an invitation to a cousin's boyfriend (that none of us knew existed!) without asking us first. The one silver lining of that was that they are now making a contribution but I am still fuming that they even thought they had the right to do that!

That branch of the family are going on the 'Poop Deck' table! (all our tables are named after parts of tall ships)

clarabell1984

Velvet glove that made me laugh!

I know that they are contributing but when they said they would gift us the money, we were led to believe that it was ours to do what we wished with it. I know they are offering to pay over and above that but I just don't want them dictating who is invited. It wouldn't be so bad if I had met their friends, or have family that aren't invited because numbers are tight too.

Velvet_Glove

clarabell1984 wrote: »

Velvet glove that made me laugh!

I know that they are contributing but when they said they would gift us the money, we were led to believe that it was ours to do what we wished with it. I know they are offering to pay over and above that but I just don't want them dictating who is invited. It wouldn't be so bad if I had met their friends, or have family that aren't invited because numbers are tight too.

Quite. My parents are paying for the bulk (we're paying for the little bits) so I felt that I had to let my mum have some say in the guest list, but she has been very good and taken my side in most things. That really took the biscuit though - my mum has invited some cousins in America - but she did ask me before the invitations went out!

clarabell1984

Velvet_Glove wrote: »

Quite. My parents are paying for the bulk (we're paying for the little bits) so I felt that I had to let my mum have some say in the guest list, but she has been very good and taken my side in most things. That really took the biscuit though - my mum has invited some cousins in America - but she did ask me before the invitations went out!

My dad gifted us enough to cover practically the full wedding and we are paying for the honeymoon. As yet, we haven't got his parents money so we haven't actually allocated it yet. Its looking like it will just replace our savings as we're using that to pay for the honeymoon just now.

My mum and dad aren't together and there has been no mention from my mum about any contributions. Tbh I don't really expect her to, as I never expected from my dad or his parents.

Currently on the guest list my mum has one of her friends invited all day. I know her really well and she gave us a beautiful engagement present. her other close friend is only coming at night as I don't know her as well. My dad doesn't really have friends as her is so close to his cousins and they are invited anyway.

That's why it makes it harder that his parents want to invite 12 friends. I'm not even inviting 12 friends! The majority are close family.

Anyway, my h2b and I spoke last night and after a chat and a few tears I feel alot better today.

He is going to go and see his dad towards the end of the week and explain that we feel that 12 is too many and if they could chose just 6 like originally planned it would be fairer and more equal for everyone.

Fingers crossed it goes OK!