I am a Bridezilla and my confession is....

Turtle

Hi JTR, I've read the entire waiting for a proposal thread (posted my own tale near the end) and I really feel for you as you seem to be on such a rollercoaster of emotions. It does sound like the time for hints has passed and maybe you need to tell him that next Sunday you'll be going ring shopping. Is it definitely the right time for him? (I'm sorry, I can't remember now if you said you were willing to stay with him without getting married). Are you seriously wondering if it's no longer something you want? There's still quite a long time before you get married so plenty of time for soul searching I'd say, even if meant the wedding didn't happen. Hope you sort it.

DueMarch11

Don't be sad date buddy, I don't have a ring either....my own fault though because I proposed to him on feb 29th this year, I'm sure he'll het around to it

BugglyB

Oh jtr

One thing I have learnt is that its very dangerous to have 'invisible goalposts' like 'if he does not notice my new hair I will definitely not be going to that work thing with him tomorow!'. I know this is more important than that but its the same kind of thing. For you its not the piece of metal its what that metal symbolizes. For him it may just seem like a bit of metal.

I would say to him

next Saturday I want to go to *specific ring shop* and then to *specific* cafe for a nice lunch and to celebrate the engagement. We will be leaving at eleven am so be ready! I am really excited about this and it means a lot to me!


in a seperate conversation I would say to him

you dont seem overly bothered about the wedding and thats ok, but I want you to know that I'm making x y and z plans so you need to know this is going ahead unless you say something. I wont go ballistic if you say you dont want to get married I promise (and you really need to mean this promise!)

I think you need to consider how you will feel if he carries on being 'not bothered'. Can you cope with the fact that he may really value you and your relationship but just not care at all about marriage? This simmering resentment is not good for you darling! Even though its totally justified!

MrsDrink

jtr2803 wrote: »

I'm so upset, angry and frustrated today so please excuse my emotional rant!

Jtr ((hugs)). I absolutely agree with Brighton Belle. I seriously doubt that this means he doesn't want to marry you. I suspect it is just his nature. I don't have an engagement ring. I have a 30th birthday ring that is made up of the stones from my 21st birthday ring and my Grandma's engagement ring. MrD 'got' me this, but it was me that did everything. I made contact with the independent shop and commissioned the ring. I took photos and drew pictures of EXACTLY what I wanted. The only thing MrD did was drop the original rings off and collect the new ring when it was ready. Hardly any involvement as the shop is near to where he works. I know it's not the same perhaps as an engagement ring, but that being said for me it actually means more because of the sentiments surrounding the stones. I'm just writing to show just because MrJtr isn't rushing to put a physical ring on your finger doesn't mean he isn't any less committed to you or your marriage. I still stand by if I can do it (get married) then anyone on the 'waiting' thread can.

Mojisola wrote: »

And you're willing to do this for the next 50+ years? What if you have health problems or a job that needs long hours, will you still have to do everything?

I know this wasn't directed at me but I'll answer it anyway. I am Miss Organised in our relationship. I have been for the last 13 years and I'm sure I will be for the rest of our lives together. I sort out all our holidays. I book us tables to go out for a meal. I sort out the Christmas gifts and I write all our cards. *I* planned our wedding. Yes I ran everything by MrD and I offered him a range of pre-determined choices but it was my doing. I searched for everything. The finer details were important to me. They weren't to him. Doesn't mean our marriage is any more one sided than one whose Groom showed more 'interest' for want of a better word.

That does not mean to say he is incapable. If god forbid anything happened to me he would take over my role. Everyone in a relationship has a role to play making the most of your strengths. We have just rennovated a few rooms in our house ready for our house/garden party/reception. MrD put the coving up, the skirting boards down, etc etc. I could do all that. I have the know how. But why should I when he can do it better and quicker than I could. Like I say we all have strengths (and weaknesses) in a relationship (regardless of marital status). Another example comes from my Grandparents who had a very long and loving marriage. When my Grandma died my Granddad all of a sudden had to start writing everyone's birthday cards and Christmas cards. You know what? Despite never having done it he hasn't missed one yet!! I think as long as we accept each other for who we are and what we bring to the relationship then it doesn't matter a single iota whether one is more organised than the other.

I think the only problem with Jtr's post is there is currently a mismatch of needs. ((hugs)) No relationship is perfect and there will always be occasions where there is a mismatch. That's real life. But it's how these situations are handled that will strengthen the relationship. Like with my ring above. There was no point in getting upset about it. I just got on with it. It didn't mean he didn't love or respect me any less. Jtr I am sure you and MrJtr will find a compromise to the 'getting the ring' situation, and you will go on to have a very happy wedding and more importantly a wonderful marriage.

BugglyB wrote: »

Can you cope with the fact that he may really value you and your relationship but just not care at all about marriage?

May I change this question to:
Can you cope with the fact that he may really value you and your relationship but just not care at all about the wedding?
As I suspect that is where the 'angst' lies not in the marriage itself. (If MrJtr is anything like MrD).



Cor sorry to have 'gone off on one'!!!
x

BugglyB

Sure it might be the wedding but it might be that marriage as an institution doesn't mean the same for him as it does to jtr?

I have friends who have been together 27 years but never got married because it doesnt mean anything to them, they are really committed and very much in love and to all other intents and purposes 'married'. They are very lucky that they happen to feel the same about it.

I don't mean to start a debate about 'what marriage means' or anything but, just sayin, he might really love her and want to be with her forever, but not really care that much about marriage. If thats the case he needs to damn well come out and say it, and provide some reassurance that hes not dragging his feet out of fear of commitment or being worried she isnt the one.

MrsDrink

That is very true - and I guess a reason why MrD didn't see the point till I nagged him into it :rotfl: (Took me 5 years of persuading him after I'd changed my mind lol)

jtr2803

Hi All,

Thanks for your posts, I probably should have tried to update yesterday but it has been a bit of a nightmare weekend. I have been through a rainbow of emotions - guilt, anger, resentment, embarassment.....everything really.

I wasn't able to contain my upset over the lack of ring shopping and ended up in tears on the bedroom floor on Saturday. He said he thought we still had time, thought I knew which one I wanted and thought we were going through town on the way to my mums and I wasn't happy with any of those [STRIKE]excuses[/STRIKE] reasons. I'd made it clear it was important and thought he had understood how much .

The conversation then turned into much more than that, about his feelings towards the wedding (and marriage) and whether it was really what he wanted and how I was feeling about his reactions to the whole thing. He admits that next year wouldn't have been his choice, he would have waited another few years but then followed that up with the fact that he probably never would have actually proposed. This is all because of his anxiety, it's something I always knew about, he has been very upfront about it and told me how it affected him as a child but I have never put him in a situation where he has got massively anxious....until now.

This is where things all get complicated. When we first agreed on next year, we talked about going abroad but in the sense that at least his parents would want to come as he is the youngest and his mum can be 'particular' about such things. His parents have never even flown before so he asked them if they would consider coming away and they said they would BUT his sister would be gutted about not seeing him get married, then the issue of money came up and we realised it was getting too much to try and help some with the cost without helping others. We talked about what would make him anxious - speech, lots of people, formal setting and I thought we had managed to get around most things by having a registry office with just family, a small pub meal and no speeches.

Apparently, when he told his parents we had booked the wedding here they were very surprised, they had assumed that we would go abroad alone and they were fine about it saying they would have seen us when we got back :eek:. My mum has always been upfront about us doing what we want and not worrying about her but his parents are not so straightforward. He now wishes that we had done what we wanted to do originall and go away to get married. My first reaction was that we can still do that, the worst case scenario is that we lose £320 in deposits which isn't the end of the world really. My only stipulation was that I wanted my daughter to be a there as a bridesmaid because she is so excited about it all.

Then we hit more barriers......the only place that we really want to go is the maldives, and you can't legally marry there. There are no other destinations that we want to visit where we could marry, we would be going there for the sake of getting married and then I have to think about school term dates and would she get bored?

I also suggested just literally having a registry office ceremony here with just my daughter and the required witnesses but he feels like he would have to invite his family because they would be hurt otherwise.

The other option, which is the one he seems to be favouring at the moment is...... last week we booked a return to the Maldives next April, to the island we have not long come back from. He loved it there and is really looking forward to going back, our flight is at 6.30pm on Wednesday the 10th of April so I suggested getting married in the morning, having our photos with just our closest of family and friends and then going home to get changed before heading to the airport. We can then have a meal with everyone once we get back and things are more settled.

Whatever way we do it, he is still going to be ridiculously anxious and I don't know how else to help him. I feel like I have tried to arrange everything to make it as relaxed as possible, I am starting to feel like it's hopeless because I don't want him to be feeling that way in the run up to the wedding but I also wanted to have a nice day and all the things that I want from our day seem to be slipping away in my constant need to compromise (or appease) with him.

He maintains that he does want to marry me and that he has no anxiety about the actual commitment, just the getting married part. His seeming disinterest is his trying to block it out so that he doesn't convey how anxious he is. I really don't know what to do for the best now, it's starting to become a huge weight around my neck rather than the happy occasion I really want it to be. OH has said he is still thinking about what way to proceed and is really sorry that he can't seem to get a grip on his emotions.

He said about taking an afternoon off to go ring shopping but it almost seems pointless now unless we sort out whether a wedding is even going to happen.



The other thing I will add, just in regards to the earlier comments is that yes, he has no get up and go, he doesn't get excited/plan/look forward to anything, for all of the reasons above but in day to day life, he is great. I do work long hours and he cooks and cleans and looks after me when I am not well, it's just the big things he struggles with.

BugglyB

Hey jtr, thanks for the update. Hugs for you, don't really know what to say except you must be really upset right now.

I'd just point out this part

I also suggested just literally having a registry office ceremony here with just my daughter and the required witnesses but he feels like he would have to invite his family because they would be hurt otherwise.

His parents have already said they want whatever you want, so at some point he has to prioritise your feelings over theirs. If you are bending over backwards to accomodate his anxiety he needs to go some way to accomodating your desire for a celebration, even if that means putting his families nose out of joint.

There is a fine line like you say between compromise and appease and its sometimes hard to see the wood for the trees. Its ok saying you'll have a tiny do but you still want some celebration, some way of feeling that you're both looking forward to it, whatever 'it' ends up being.

Be kind to yourself and take some time to rest and think about what happens next.

MrsDrink

((Jtr)) All I can say is we managed it so I'm sure you will both come out the other end happy and married. (If you want to see more photos of how we did it, possibly just to show him it doesn't have to be high stress, if you PM me I'll add you to my FB xx)

jtr2803

Thanks ladies. I really hate the not knowing what we are going to be doing! I have spent the last 7 weeks trying to get things organised and now it all seems to be a bit up in the air.

If April is going to be our honeymoon I would at least like to upgrade our room or extend our stay and every day we leave it means either being less possible. I enquired about an upgrade price this morning out of interest and have been told that Kuoni have already sold their allocation of water villas and could request one but we wouldn't know for a few days if the island had any spare. I really don't mind moving it to April if he feels that would be easier, ok so I don't get the wedding 'day' but we will still have the family ceremony and a meal together when we return and trying to be positive, it means I get to marry him sooner than planned . I know the island we are going to does some amazing renewal of voes ceremonies so perhaps we could do that to make it feel more special?

I am going to suggest he consult his doctor as there must be something they can give him to help his nerves on the day!