condom split, whats the chances

julie03

Triggles wrote: »

I'm actually a bit surprised by this.

First of all, everyone that is patting the OP on the back because her son "came to her" with this problem - she said in the original post that she had just found out that he had been having sex with his gf and the condom broke. He didn't come to her with this, she found it out after seeing some text messages left on a mobile. So quite feasibly, chances are that if she hadn't found those messages, it may have been quite some time before she was privy to this information about him even having sex, much less the pregnancy.

Secondly, I am horrified that pressure was put on this girl to take the MAP. The OP states there was no pressure put on the gf to take the pill, but it is already fairly obvious from the first post that she had no qualms about this girl being pressured about it, or about manipulating her son to pressure the girl as well. And to push a girl of that age to take medication of this type without even contacting her parents at all - extremely irresponsible! What if she had some type of medical condition that meant she couldn't take it? At that age, it sounds like she is still living at home with her parents. What if she got seriously ill after taking the pill? If she needed emergency treatment of any sort after taking it, her parents wouldn't have a clue and wouldn't be able to give medical personnel any information on what she had taken or what might be causing the problem. And what about her and her parents' religious beliefs? It's so easy to say "oh well she can't be a catholic as she wouldn't have sex prior to marriage" but maybe, as teens often do, she has blurred a few of the lines of the rules. Some rules are not an issue, whereas others (perceived abortion, regardless of "how pregnant" someone is) are more engraved in stone.

I would be livid if someone encouraged my daughter (when she was a teenager) to take the MAP without speaking to me first. My DD knew if she got pregnant at that age, I'd be upset about it and most likely initially cross with her, however, that doesn't mean I wouldn't sit down with her and discuss her options and help her with whatever decision she made.

And it's probably smart to remember the phrase mentioned earlier "it takes two to tango". I have sons as well, and if they came home with this situation, I couldn't in all honesty push for abortion or MAP. I would have to stress to my son that they need to make sure that the girl has information on all options available to her, their support for whatever decision she has made, and that she has informed either her parents or an adult she can trust. IMO that adult needs to be someone strictly in her corner, who will look out for her welfare and wishes solely, so she's not getting a one-sided view from the boy's family. Maybe it's having a daughter as well that makes me concerned about the girl in the situation, but I get rather aggravated when a boy's family in these circumstances pressures the girl or treats it like "well, if she doesn't abort or take the MAP, she'll just be ruining their lives" and such. The responsibility for the situation lies with BOTH of them... but the ultimate decision is hers. I've said it so many times, as I tire of hearing men whinge that they should have a say in whether a woman has their baby....they DO have a say. And that time is just before they have sex. It's called abstinence. That is their ultimate form of birth control.

and what if she like many 16 yr olds went to the clinic without telling anybody, all of what you say would still apply and they do know what they are doing in FPC'S they do take a medical history
her family wouldnt have been on her side if you read my previous posts, yes i did only find out because he borrowed my phone , but thank god i did, they both panicked and didnt know what to do. you need to remember this girl has a different type of relationship with her parents that you do with your daughter,
and when i said push her for taking the MAP, my son would have just talked to her about it.
i would do exactly the same again, tho my son and his girlfriend know they can come to me without judgement, she is 16 OF LEGAL AGE, she can go to any clinic or doctors without her parents knowledge. i just had to nudge them in the right direction, she didnt have to get on the bus to go there, i didnt hold a gun to her head, and she has actually thanked me for taking charge and understanding about her parents

peachyprice

Triggles wrote: »

What if she had some type of medical condition that meant she couldn't take it? At that age, it sounds like she is still living at home with her parents. What if she got seriously ill after taking the pill? If she needed emergency treatment of any sort after taking it, her parents wouldn't have a clue and wouldn't be able to give medical personnel any information on what she had taken or what might be causing the problem.

The girl is 16 for goodness sake, she didn't need her own parents or OP's permission to take the MAP. If she'd have gone to the clinic with absolutley no input from OP her parents would still have been none the wiser that she had taken the MAP, your 'what if' in this instance is frankly is a very lame argument.

Triggles

Nope, sorry, you can go round and round all you like. If she went to the clinic, she was seeing medical professionals, and they provide all options available, not just pushing the MAP, which was obviously your goal.

As far as medical conditions are concerned, I still stand by that. Yes, she is 16 and of age. But isn't she still living at home? Had she had some type of reaction or been seriously ill, and ended up unconscious, her parents would not have known she had taken the pill and wouldn't be able to pass this information along to the medical professionals taking care of her.

Sorry, but IMO you took charge, pushed her, and you did it because you didn't want to "ruin" your son's life. I notice you very blithely pushed aside any concerns she had about it and dismissed it.

As far as her relationship with her parents, you don't know how they would react and you won't now as you didn't even give them the opportunity. And since you don't really know the relationship I have with my daughter, I can't see where you can really say their relationship is different, as you don't have a clue. And if she was adamant that her parents not know, you should have encouraged her to speak to another trusted adult that had only her best interests at heart, not just to you, who obviously had an agenda because of your son.

Nope, sorry. I simply don't agree and will never agree with you on this. You pushed her because of your own son and your own agenda, and it was an incredibly selfish and irresponsible thing to do. If I was her parent, I would be absolutely livid. I'd ask you how you'd feel if it was your daughter, but you're obviously feeling like you are a saint for this, so you'd spout some nonsense about being grateful someone took charge. *sigh* Hopefully this situation at the very least made you sit down with your son and explain that he is part of the problem here.

jinky67

Correct me if I am wrong but the OP did say her son and GF were worried that she was pregnant and just burying their heads in the sand over it

They obviously did not know about the options they had

They HAD used contraception and it failed, so they obviously didnt want a baby, did they?

my_gorgeous_ellie-belle

Completely agree Jinky - if they were using protection then they clearly weren't aiming at having babies. That said when you do find out your preg after failure of contraception (like i stated in my last post) it is an extremely hard decision to make (well it was in my case) - as a young person you are often made to believe that abortions are bad and same for the MAP - truth be told, it' not a situation you want to find yourself in but IF it does happen you do need to be made aware it is not a BAD thing if you do decide to take the MaP or abortion.

I look back and think had we decided it was so wrong to have an abortion, even though we WERE being safe (pill failed - it's failed twice on me through no fault of my own so i went back to the dr's and asked to try something else) then our lives would have been VERY VERY different - i wouldn't have completed college (i too was an A* student), i wouldn't have had some of the opportunities i have had and me and hubby prob wouldn't be together to this day. The choice we made actually made a fairly stable relationship strong - however wrong that sounds it's true. We realised we had to take more care of one another, life was precious and we weren't as carefree as we had previously thought and we grew stronger - yes it always affected us (the decision to have the abortion) but it also made us come to realise together a few years later that we were ready and now we have a beautiful little girl and another planned baby on the way....being in a much more stable housing and financial situation as well as extremely happy with one another. And a few years wiser

I know the g/f of the OP's son was lucky enough not to have to make the bigger decision of abortion (that is pretty traumatising) but i think that is mainly down to the OPs fast thinking - yes she meddled, but i think being a parent you need too sometime. It sounds like the girl is grateful for the support after all - nowhere did the OP state she or her son bullied the girl into it.

I hope your son and his G/f become stronger over this - it sounds like they could quite easily become closer - yes partly due to your meddling, but thats not a bad thing is it?

peachyprice

Triggles wrote: »

Nope, sorry, you can go round and round all you like. If she went to the clinic, she was seeing medical professionals, and they provide all options available, not just pushing the MAP, which was obviously your goal.

As far as medical conditions are concerned, I still stand by that. Yes, she is 16 and of age. But isn't she still living at home? Had she had some type of reaction or been seriously ill, and ended up unconscious, her parents would not have known she had taken the pill and wouldn't be able to pass this information along to the medical professionals taking care of her.

She did go to the clinic, she did see medical professionals and they would have told her about all available options, they have a duty to, it wasn't a case of OP simply going to get the MAP for her was it?

As for medical conditions, you are completely missing the point. Just because she is living at home doesn't mean her parents would have known what she had taken, you think they gave her a letter to give to mummy & daddy??? It's already been stated that she has a poor relationship with her parents, why on earth do you think that without intervetion from OP
she would have gone home and told her own parents?

Infact, if, as she was entitled to do, she'd gone to the clinic without any parent knowing surely she would have been at greater risk had any complications arisen.

julie03

triggles- you don't know these teenagers in particular and you don' know her parents, so you only know what you would do in your situation with your daughter

i would also like to point out that not once that day did i talk to the girl my son did, i pushed him to talk to her about all her options and gave him info from the internet about MAP to pass on to her, yes i made an appointment and i talked to my son but you don't know either child and that is what they are, children

and how is it irresponsible to prevent a very unwanted teenage pregnancy which could affect a girls mental wellbeing because of her emotional state of mind, it may have destroyed an already very unstable relationship that she has with her parents. i went through something very similar when i was seventeen and the MAP wasnt available but you don't think straight and you just run around like a headless chicken, they needed an adults input and as the only adult who knew about it, i believe i made the right decision, as most people seem to agree on here. you seem to be in a minority!!!!!!!!!!!!

my_gorgeous_ellie-belle

I can vouch for the fact not all girls have a good relationship with their parents...had mine known i was having sex, even at 18 let alone 16 i would have been called all sorts and made to seem dirty...if your made to feel like that then who do you turn to of the worst does happen????

I was made to feel dirty for not telling mine i had started my periods...go figure why i didn't tell them. I told my friend and her mum spoke to me instead and made sure i knew everything. Mine had never even told me about periods, puberty, the fact YOU WILL get an overwhelming interest in boys, sex, relationships or anything like that....their expectation of my life was 'you go to school do your work, come home do your homework' You are not a person with feelings or emotions, puberty and all that comes with it were non-existant.

That is a recipe for disaster but does happen an awful lot unfortunately!

And i am English so it's not a culture thing before anyone thinks that

Mrs_Imp

Triggles - finally, someone with some sense.

From the posts the OP has written it seems very much like the gf was given very little choice in the matter and has been informed in no uncertain terms about all the many lives she would be ruining, and the threat of her mother being told and any possible fall out from that. There was NEVER once the mention of 'whatever the decision I'll support it' So in that way it's very much the same attitude as we have been told the gfs parent's have - thou shalt not have a baby at this age.

As for saying that talking about education being not necessary on this thread, that's utterly wrong. Supposing some teen has the same problem - a split condom. A quick google search may reveal this thread and it's one-sided opinion about how they MUST have the MAP and how their life will be ruined otherwise. It's good to have a discussion about how people can and do have a perfectly normal life with a child at a young age, especially if they get PROPER support from their parents.

As Triggles said, you've obviously decided that you're right and everyone else who says 'hold on a mo, back off with the pressure' is wrong.

If the gf has any doubts about having the MAP, then she will now blame the bf for the pressure she was put under, even if she would've come to the same decision herself without the pressure.

As another poster has said - their pill failed. So if you really want your teen not to get pregnant, start talking about abstinence to them as well as safe sex because every form of contraception still carries a risk of pregnancy.

julie03

i am not going to defend my decision anymore. i am close to my son and him and his girlfriend have thanked me for my "interference" if the MAP doesnt work i know that an abortion would be out of the question, and yes its not ideal but they would have my full support and they were told this, her parents wouldnt support them.

and thank you peachyprice for your pm its good to know that MOST people think i did the right thing

and if this was the other way round and it was my daughter i would want her to take the MAP, it doesnt ruin your life but it doesnt help either, if there is ways of avoiding pregnancy all options should be taken.