JC's kick up the butt diary!

savingwannabe

BLT, i am asking you as you are a man person

Can you think of what JC can do if OH gets angry?

BLT_2

savingwannabe wrote: »

BLT, i am asking you as you are a man person

Can you think of what JC can do if OH gets angry?

Therein lies a problem as each individual reacts differently. First order is however to ensure that children are absent when the news is broken, as a precautionary move.

Staying calm does not necessarily work as the aggressive party is desperate for a reaction, by provoking a reaction the blame can be reversed. In many cases the aggressive party will continue until he or she provokes a reaction - in the worst scenario this can degenerate to violent moves.

Conversely arguing back merely elicits a tit for tat response, which eventually calms down but leaves mental scars.

The best option is to write a short letter before hand explaining the reasoning behind the decision. If the situation deteriorates into conflict this should be handed over prior to leaving the house. This gives the OH a chance to reflect on the contents and calm down instead of going with his gut instinct.

Conflict can only be avoided by removing one of the sources, in this case JC. Some would say that is the cowards way out, however avoiding conflict, is not cowardice but rather sensible.

Confrontation elicits confrontation, and if I recall JC is slightly scared of OH in any case.

My apologies for the rambling post, I hope it makes sense. In all situations self preservation should be the aim, bravery is a fine thing, but a bloody nose is painful

savingwannabe

Thanks BLT. Logic is good.

JC has to be prepared for this worst case scenario by discussing options with parents, friends, dr & CAB.

~Stay strong JC.

:j

turfy6

Sorry to hear you had an argument last night, sounds like he's a bit insecure though.

Enjoy your bank holiday and try to be positive. BLT's advice is spot on though you dont want to provoke the wrong reaction. I am guilty of doing that myself and then I get mad with me IYKWIM for being lulled into the argument in the first place. Why is it all so complicated?

40somethingmum

Hi JC,

Sorry for what I am about to say ..... Your DH is an absolute !!!!!!:mad: . Sorry:o:o:o:o

Sending you and DD lots of cuddles ((((:A)))).

Please look after yourself.:)


Love

40SMxx

jasperconran

hi all, thought I would pop in quickly as OH is upstairs having a lie down (hurt his back yesterday at work)

thank you all as always for your support and 40sm dont worry about your comment, 9 times out of 10, I totally agree with you!

Well, we have just got back from the cinema, DD took a friend with her. I feel so totally confused right now, I will try and explain as best as I can why I feel this way.

We went and had something to eat before the cinema and I was already fed up before we went out. We got there, and OH (I thought) was being totally horrible to me in front of DD and her friend, I sat there trying to decide what to eat almost in tears. So I decided to confront him and he said, "for god sake, I am winding you up. I have been joking/winding you up since we got in here". So I said, " I dont find it funny, you are mean and nasty", I never know with you these days whether you are joking or being totally serious". after 2 mins, he tried to cuddle me, I told him to back off. DD and her friend ran off and as we left, he cuddled me and said, " I'm sorry, I know I have been snappy. I am tired, I've hurt my back I'm in agony. I am so so sorry".

Am I being totally paranoid and weak here? Should I just ignore it? Am I being stupid? shouldn't I be able to tell the difference between joking and nastiness by now? We have been together almost 20 years (married for almost 17). shouldnt I know by now???

I feel totally washed out today, I know I shouldnt let it get to me, but sometimes I just cant help it. I feel right now.

Hope everyone else is having a fabby day xx

savingwannabe

I hate to say this. But if anyone winds you up enough to make you cry they are not your friend. He is being really manipulative and trying to confuse you. Keep telling him that it is wrong to do this. He is not humouring anyone, he has upset you and your daughter and her friend.

Stick to your guns JC. Keep posting when you are stuck. Someone is always here. I am working part time at college, even if i am not here you have loads of friends on here.

BLT_2

jasperconran wrote: »

hi all, thought I would pop in quickly as OH is upstairs having a lie down (hurt his back yesterday at work)

thank you all as always for your support and 40sm dont worry about your comment, 9 times out of 10, I totally agree with you!

Well, we have just got back from the cinema, DD took a friend with her. I feel so totally confused right now, I will try and explain as best as I can why I feel this way.

We went and had something to eat before the cinema and I was already fed up before we went out. We got there, and OH (I thought) was being totally horrible to me in front of DD and her friend, I sat there trying to decide what to eat almost in tears. So I decided to confront him and he said, "for god sake, I am winding you up. I have been joking/winding you up since we got in here". So I said, " I dont find it funny, you are mean and nasty", I never know with you these days whether you are joking or being totally serious". after 2 mins, he tried to cuddle me, I told him to back off. DD and her friend ran off and as we left, he cuddled me and said, " I'm sorry, I know I have been snappy. I am tired, I've hurt my back I'm in agony. I am so so sorry".

Am I being totally paranoid and weak here? Should I just ignore it? Am I being stupid? shouldn't I be able to tell the difference between joking and nastiness by now? We have been together almost 20 years (married for almost 17). shouldnt I know by now???

I feel totally washed out today, I know I shouldnt let it get to me, but sometimes I just cant help it. I feel right now.

Hope everyone else is having a fabby day xx

Not good at all, and I speak from experience here. Once it reaches the point where it affects your daughter it is time to sit down and take a good hard think about where you are going. I speak from experience here so I make no excuses for pulling no punches.

Firstly there is a difference between winding someone up and joking with them, one would assume that after so many years he could tell you were close to tears and would be rather more sensitive. Conversely you could have been taking things the wrong way as you were so sensitive, whatever the case is this should never have escalated to the point where your daughter has to run off.

One of the problems appears to be that you can let it all out on here, but not to your partner, it should be the other way around.

You and your partner need to place your daughter with the mother for a night or so under some pretence, sit down quietly and have a talk about where you both see your future going, you need to list the pluses and minuses in your relationship and consider them carefully.

And finally you need to remember that you have one life, you need to ensure it is not one of constant regrets, you need to ensure that you can watch your daughter grow up in a safe and happy environment, she is at a delicate age where she can go one way or the other. Which way she goes is down to both you and your OH, there is nothing more precious in life than our children, they should not suffer from our mistakes.

Sorry for preaching, but as I say, I have been in your situation.

savingwannabe

JC. Good advice from BLT.

You have de-trolled yourself mate. Thanks for your help.


:j

moo2moo

jasperconran wrote: »

" I'm sorry, I know I have been snappy. I am tired, I've hurt my back I'm in agony. I am so so sorry".

but I've just sat and watched a film at the flicks when I could have been tucked up in bed with an array of painkillers.....