Letting someone down gently...

otmp

pigpen wrote: »

I'd possibly just tell him I was gay, i've done that before today lol

I say this without putting any judgement on you but I would feel like I was disrespecting gay people by saying that as an 'excuse', also since I intend to be friends with him still that could get awkward if I meet someone and have to introduce them!

jillymit

otmp wrote: »

He has, original email below

Hey xxxx,

How are you doing? I am quite fine myself.
I just wanted to say that you are a great girl and was wondering of
you would like to go on a date with me some time.
How do you feel about that?

Greetings,
xxxx

How about .......

Hello, great to hear from you. I'm good thanks.
Thanks for the offer of a date. You ask me how I feel about that? well, I am flattered you think I'm a great girl but I think I'd prefer to stay just a great friend. Hope that's ok with you?
How do you feel about that?


You don't have to give a reason and you can't be held responsible for his reaction if you let him down gently.

jackieglasgow

I really like Jillymit's answer. You should adopt a version of that.

skintchick

jillymit wrote: »

How about .......

Hello, great to hear from you. I'm good thanks.
Thanks for the offer of a date. You ask me how I feel about that? well, I am flattered you think I'm a great girl but I think I'd prefer to stay just a great friend. Hope that's ok with you?
How do you feel about that?


You don't have to give a reason and you can't be held responsible for his reaction if you let him down gently.

This is a great response.

OP - you seem very angry in your post. I'm not sure why. All he has done is ask you on a date. All you have to do is say no nicely. Why get cross about it?

otmp

skintchick wrote: »

OP - you seem very angry in your post. I'm not sure why. All he has done is ask you on a date. All you have to do is say no nicely. Why get cross about it?

The OP explains pretty well why I am annoyed by the situation. I feel like my arm is being twisted, he has forced me into a situation he knows I don't want and it upsets me. He knows I don't want it and he put me in it anyway because he's decided he wants something from me that I never offered.

He's known me long enough to see other friends try this and the fallout from it, and he has seen/knows how tight I am with my three best friends because theres nothing but friendship there, I mean he knows what works for me. I find it extremely cruel that he knowingly puts me in this position because it suits him now.

I know I'm upset and annoyed about it and I really don't want a repeat of the last times because I do value the friendship which is why I'm asking for advice on how to say no without losing my friend, but you've presumably seen the email, I can't just reply 'no'. Some of the others offered some good advice which I will be taking on board, I might look at writing something in the morning.

Thanks

jackieglasgow

I think you are overreacting a little. He is not forcing you into anything, he has expressed an interest in one date to see if you are compatible in that way, and asked you if you want to do that. he sounds quite open and upbeat about it, and not overly heavy in any way. There is nothing cruel in telling you you are an attractive woman, and how would he know how you feel without asking? You could have been equally attracted to him, and afraid to anything about it because of your well documented reticence of forming romantic relationships with your male friends.
From my experience of Dutch peoiple, they have a much more open and honest way of communicating than we do, and telling him thanks but no thans should be the end of it. It will only make the relationship awkward if you chose to let it. As I said before, jillymit's answer was pretty near perfect, and I would go for that if I were you.

otmp

jackieglasgow wrote: »

I think you are overreacting a little. He is not forcing you into anything, he has expressed an interest in one date to see if you are compatible in that way, and asked you if you want to do that. he sounds quite open and upbeat about it, and not overly heavy in any way. There is nothing cruel in telling you you are an attractive woman, and how would he know how you feel without asking? You could have been equally attracted to him, and afraid to anything about it because of your well documented reticence of forming romantic relationships with your male friends.
From my experience of Dutch peoiple, they have a much more open and honest way of communicating than we do, and telling him thanks but no thans should be the end of it. It will only make the relationship awkward if you chose to let it. As I said before, jillymit's answer was pretty near perfect, and I would go for that if I were you.

Thank you for your advice Jackie and I'm sorry that I don't agree with most of it.

Re your comment 'how would he know how you feel without asking?'
You'll just have to take my word for it that he knows me well enough to know exactly how I would feel about being put in this situation again, which is why its gotten to me so much, it feels cruel. Having been the friend I talked to the last time this happened, because I trusted him as not being one of 'them' (friends that forget they're just friends).

But as you say, it will only be awkward if I let it, which I know, which is why I have asked for advice on how to let him down gently. The main concern I have with Jillymit's reply is that its giving multiple opportunities for 'negociation', and there isn't any to be had, I don't see how me asking how he feels about me turning him down can result in anything good.

xmaslolly76

How about using jillys reply but changing the last two parts to "I hope that doesnt offend" which is more of a statement than a question to be negociated.

I must agree with other people and say that the dutch are alot more frank and upfront than we are and i dont think he wanted to upset you. :-)

otmp

I should probably clarify that a lot of my friends are actually Dutch (living both sides of the pond) so I've spent a fair bit of time both there and with my friends here so I do 'get' the culture so to speak.

I like your suggestion Xmas.

DigitalJedi

Ask for a hunter pal to misdirect to the tank then bubble & hs out of there.

Either that or tell him you don't date noobs.

Sorted!