Letting someone down gently...

otmp

I've made a new account for this as I'd like to keep it seperate from my normal account even though I'm a long term lurker without many posts.

Hopefully someone can offer me some advice here because my friends are all being useless.

I'm a woman and my three best friends are all blokes, in a very stereotypical kind of way so with all due respect they're not that great in these situations.

I will point out (to preserve my ego) that clearly I've been been in relationships before and turned people down before, but usually its resulted in the man involved not talking to me for months, so I'm going to infer I really don't do well at letting people down gently.

I just got home and I've found an email from a friend asking me out on a date. Its someone I've played online games with for about 5 years now, he's Dutch but we've met up a couple of years running (as part of a large Guild meeting, not 1-on-1) and he was in the UK travelling earlier this year, we met up once in London. He's now in Cambridge working on his PHd for six months but I've only seen him once in that time.

As for our friendship history, he is well aware that I was put in a similar situation by other male friends and I would say he is familar - to- friends with all of them as he's played WoW and counter strike with all of them too. I'm frustrated (and actually, almost angry) because he knows that I didn't like the situation I was 'forced' into then (whereby someone ends up in a mood with me, i constantly have to watch what I do or say incase they take it the wrong way, the impact on my other friends etc and I feel like I don't 'deserve' the added pressure because I didn't do anything wrong) and now he's doing the same thing.

What makes it more frustrating is that my three best friends are almost like brothers to me, it wouldn't even enter their heads to be romantic in the slighest towards me, so I guess it grates on my nerves when my other 'friends' decide they want more than my friendship, I really dislike that in the past they've somehow acted as if I'm in the wrong because I don't want to go out with them and its like hey I didn't sign up for being anything more than friends.. and its this frustration that I'm worried is going to come out when I talk to him about the situation and inflame matters.

The blunt truth is I am not attracted to him in the slightest and I have absolutely no desire to be in relationship with him.

I do however, really value the friendship and would quite like to have that intact or at least hanging by a thread by the time I've finished.

So this is where you come in, has anyone been in a similar situation and been able to let someone down gently but firmly? I want there to be 100% understanding that a relationship isn't going to happen between us.

Do your worst!

ETA: I live about 2 hours away from Cambridge so distance is also an issue as I work 6 days a week.

ailuro2

Well you can't simply ignore it, but can you send him back a reply saying oi, Mr Dutchman, the word you're looking for isn't date it's "night out on the drink with a mate" and remind him that he knows by now you don't "date" fellow WoWers but you're happy to meet up with him when he's in town next. Of course make sure you take another mate with you when you go, as it's not a date is it?;)

McKneff

oh dear, little old niave me,
What is a WoW or a Wower please.:o

otmp

McKneff wrote: »

oh dear, little old niave me,
What is a WoW or a Wower please.:o

World of Warcraft

McKneff

I thought you were pulling my plonker there for a moment but i dont have one lol but i reread some of the OPs post and she said she played on line games
so you must be telling me the truth. lol.
must admit i think i was a little disappointed, i thought it was going to be much more interesing than that.lol
Thanks
Annie

sheldon08

Has he actually said it's a date? Couldn't you just be clear with him that as much as you don't mind meeting up for a drink (if you don't that is!) it will be as a friend only?

galvanizersbaby

Hi otmp

I hate situation's like this - was in similiar myself recently but not with a friend it was a work colleague so although there was no friendship involved to preserve I kind of had to treat it carefully as was having to see him at work (I might add that he was using the company email to contact me and make suggestions - bit of a lech really

After ignoring his emails for a bit (made no difference) I ended up replying to say that I was in a long term relationship and besides I never dated work colleagues (actually I met my OH at work 5 years ago but he doesn't know that - already knew I had an OH though)

I would suggest you reply to the email in the vein of I never date fellow WoWers as ailuro suggested and keep it light and jokey - that way hopefully protecting his ego a tad

I wouldn't get too upset and offended by the fact that he's trying his luck with you - in a stereotypical sort of way boys will be boys.

Good luck

otmp

sheldon08 wrote: »

Has he actually said it's a date? Couldn't you just be clear with him that as much as you don't mind meeting up for a drink (if you don't that is!) it will be as a friend only?

He has, original email below

Hey xxxx,

How are you doing? I am quite fine myself.
I just wanted to say that you are a great girl and was wondering of
you would like to go on a date with me some time.
How do you feel about that?

Greetings,
xxxx

gundo

Speaking as a bloke who has been on the receiving end of this kind of thing. Subtlety isn't going to work, be forthright and upfront immediately.

"Sorry I like you as a friend but I don't want to have a romantic relationship with you..." or something similar.

Face it, if you're a nice person, good to be around, and single then guys even best mates if they're single will ask you for dates. It's not some sort of betrayal, it's just normal behaviour. If it's going to bother you that much you may need to stipulate at the outset of all your friendships with the opposite sex that you won't countenance any requests for dates. I'd be interested to know if these prospective friends stick around. You might not believe it but there are some people out there who become "friends" but really they want more eventually

Good luck and I'm impressed and salute you for not wanting to hurt the other person's feelings. In my recent "receiving-end" experience that's not always the case...

simpywimpy

I agree with the other posters, there is only really one way to make it clear it won't be anything romantic. However, you can't really be responsible for the reaction of the man involved. He either takes it well or he doesn't and that's his choice and responsibility.

If your other friends on the site are genuine, then they will support you and just carry on regardless.

galvanizersbaby

gundo wrote: »

Speaking as a bloke who has been on the receiving end of this kind of thing. Subtlety isn't going to work, be forthright and upfront immediately.

"Sorry I like you as a friend but I don't want to have a romantic relationship with you..." or something similar.

Face it, if you're a nice person, good to be around, and single then guys even best mates if they're single will ask you for dates. It's not some sort of betrayal, it's just normal behaviour. If it's going to bother you that much you may need to stipulate at the outset of all your friendships with the opposite sex that you won't countenance any requests for dates. I'd be interested to know if these prospective friends stick around. You might not believe it but there are some people out there who become "friends" but really they want more eventually

Good luck and I'm impressed and salute you for not wanting to hurt the other person's feelings. In my recent "receiving-end" experience that's not always the case...

I was thinking just that