How important is marriage?

ailuro2

I wasn't too fussed about getting married to my OH, but after we had a little unexpected blessing in the shape of our DD we kind of decided we wanted to have the same name. We would never have done it if we thought it would change anything. As it was, there were just the two of us plus witness at the ceremony, and it was very special to us, no one else will be there when times are tough, a big wedding wasn't for us. It did change things, we felt more settled, more secure, so it changed in a good way, but 'I'd never have got married because I wanted to make us more secure, that would be asking for trouble.Same goes for getting married 'cos everyone else does it/did it.

So, ask yourself this, would you marry him if it was just the two of you, no party afterwards no gifts, no big dress. If you answer is still yes, then you're closer to the truth.

I was engaged before I ever met my husband, but the guy wasn't mature enough. My DH reckons most men shouldn't get married before they reach 30, and tbh time and time again it's proved a pretty accurate measure.
Don't force your boyfriend into it, maybe he is the sensible one who can see he loves you but once you've both matured you might want different things.

fayhare

I have no interest in marriage and neither does my boyfriend. It is too patriarchal for me..even if you rid your ceremony of the giving away by the father to your new husband, changing your name etc, the concept is too ingrained in being someones property for me to be want to be part of it. Luckily my boyfriend feels exactly the same. We have a very committed and strong relationship which we know does not want or need marriage.

I also want no part in an institution which does not allow same sex couples to be equals. My previous relationship was with a woman, our relationship was no less committed than my current one but I could not have gotten married should we have wanted too. (civil partnerships are like wanting caviar but getting a tin of cod roe in my opinion)

I also think that you are both pretty young and you have lots of growing to do. I am totally different at nearly 34 to how I was at 22...my whole outlook on life has changed and also what I want/need from a relationship.

Aless

All those people who say that being married is just a piece of paper or it only matters if you are religious, are wrong, getting married has legal consequences that other relationships do not have.

If you are not married you are not next of kin, so god forbid if one of you is in intensive care, if you are not married the partner has no saying in treatment or life altering decisions, you may even be denied access to them in an emergency situation. If you are married your spouse is next of kin and they trump the rest of your family in having the say as to your treatment, etc. This is just one example of the important legal consequences of marriage, there are others relating to assets and children.

The love, commitment, relationship side is a whole other question or comment.

Also weddings are only expensive as getting the bits of paper work i.e. a few hundred quid the rest is as expensive as you chose to make it.

Fluffi

I was in the situation where my boyfriend (at the time) insisted that marriage was a worthless piece of paper whereas I felt that if he really loved me then I would have forgone a big ceremony for a cheap registry office wedding.

Unfortunately in the end we couldn't agree - after 18 months together I wanted us to think about getting engaged - he said he wanted more time. Another 12 months on he still wasn't ready to get engaged so I ended it. I don't regret ending the relationship - I'd rather be on my own than with a man who didn't want to commit and wanted to keep their options open. I loved him but I didn't want to be second best.

*Louise*

I can't help thinking that if someone genuinely thought that marriage was 'just a piece of paper', then surely it would be no skin off their nose to get married if it was something that meant a LOT to their partner??:o

My OH and I were never all that botheread about getting married for a number of years, but a few things turned out to be important:

- I hated my children having a different name to me
- The next of kin legality was important when OH was in hospital and undergoing ops for 18 months
- Because DS1 was born in 1999, OH had no official parental responsibility for him

So we decided to get married and it was the best thing we have done - I love the feeling of 'belonging' as though our family unit is now official, and it all feels really secure as well.

slightlyconfused1

My DH didn't feel that marriage was important as we couldn't be anymore committed to each other. He wasn't anti-marriage it just wasn't that important to him. However I am important to him and, because marriage was important to me, we got married. It was a tiny ceremony and the best day of our lives.

The fact that he was willing to get married because it was important to me meant more than the bit of paper itself. However I love being married and, to me, it is different.

I guess if it is really important to you and of no importance to him (as opposed to being something which he is against) then I would question why he is not willing to go that extra step to make you happy.

meritaten

the fact of the matter is that in this country there is no such thing as a 'common law wife' in the eyes of the law. people think there is - but there isnt.
being a partner DOES NOT legally entitle you to be next of kin - even if social security recognise it.
if your partner dies - blood relatives will inherit unless he makes his will clear and unequivical
if your partner is in critical condition in hospital - it will be his parents or children who make the decisions - not you.
if you have children you have to have their names double barrelled if you arent married.
all this hassle just to avoid a piece of paper and saying in front of witnesses you are wed??

aliasojo

meritaten wrote: »

if you have children you have to have their names double barrelled if you arent married.

Since when?

Marcheline

I agree with your sentiments meritaten, but I wanted to point out that you dont have to have your children's named double barrelled if you're not married. You can choose whether to double barrel them, give the mother's surname alone or the father's surname alone.

anguk

We've been together 25 years, have 2 children and have never been married.

Our children have their father's surname, I have no problem with that in the same way as women who have divorced and re-married will have a different name to their children. My OH calls me his wife and I call him my husband, I also use his surname if it's easier and less confusing, you can call yourself whatever you like you don't have to be married to take someones surname.

My OH has very poor health, I've been his carer for years now, doctors, nurses etc. all treat me as his wife and call me Mrs xxxx. Recently he spent time on life support in intensive care, the doctors were well aware that I was not legally his next of kin yet I was never shut out and they always spoke to me before anyone else.

The only difference we have found is if he hadn't recovered and had died I wouldn't have been able to claim any sort of state widows benefit. I am beneficiary with his insurance, pension etc as he is with mine. Our son is in his 20's so he would legally be our next of kin so there wouldn't be any problems if either of us died. We're a very close family though, I guess it may be different if you don't get on with in-laws etc.

As for only a marriage certificate shows that you're committed, I'm sorry but I think that's rubbish. Most of my friends who married are now divorced, some a couple of times yet here we are 25 years later still together. We've gone through some really tough times and personally I think you make more of an effort because you know that it's easier to walk away.

Marriage is a very personal thing, some want it some don't but it won't automatically make a relationship work. And if you're willing to walk away from a good, loving relationship just because you don't have that "piece of paper" then I'd say you weren't with the right person. I'd be with my OH with or without marriage, in a tent or a mansion, I really don't care as long as I'm with him.

I agree that some people (especially women and yes I realise I'm generalising) use marriage as a measure of love. Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who'd only married me because I'd given them an ultimatum or pushed, I think it would just cause questions or resentment in later years.