How important is marriage?

Leona1295

Hello all,

I have been thinking about something and want some advice.

I had an argument with my boyfriend last week about marriage. He says he doesn't ever want to get married and thinks that it is an expensive and pointless piece of paper. I have the complete opposite view and have always felt that marriage marks a committed relationship.

Is marriage that important to everyone else?

Is there anyone on here who has the same dilemma as my boyfriend and I? Did you get married? The only thing I can think of that would be worse that not getting married is forcing someone into marriage out of pity!

Thanks,

Leona

robin_banks

A strong relationship is what it's about surely?.

SkintGypsy

I love being married. I love that my children and I will all have the same name. I love having a husband instead of a boyfriend or partner. It feels different, and more permanent.

A wedding is as expensive as you choose to make it, but I didn't want the wedding, I wanted the marriage. We function as a unit, not individuals. I'm not sure it would be that way if we hadn't been married.

ETA- Obviously many people have that level of commitment without the piece of paper, but it made a difference to me.

Chinkle

If it was just a piece of paper then why would he have a problem with it - why not go along with it if it's what you want? It's not and he knows this - it's a legal contract with all that it entails.

If instead he means it won't change his love for you then that's different and actually quite a sensible approach. Too many people get married hoping to make a wobbly relationship stronger.

Steel_2

I didn't believe in marriage that much but hubby did. It wouldn't have mattered to me if we never got married. I just didn't care that much one way or the other because I felt we were so solid a couple.

However, hubby wanted to marry and it was very important to him so we married.

As it was so important to him I put aside my ambivalence about it. I was happy before we married. I'm happy now we are married.

A wedding doesn't have to be expensive. If your BF doesn't want to ever marry and you will be unhappy with him knowing that, you need to find someone else. Otherwise you'll be hanging on hoping in vain getting more miserable as the years pass.

aliasojo

Marriage is an outdated commodity. It provides no more emotional security than an unwed committed relationship.

It's main benefits lie in the financial aspects.

I've been married (and divorced) and I now live with someone (for the last 12 and a half years). Before I was married, I put a lot of stock into it, I thought it was important and needed. Real life showed me that's not necessarily the case.

I find it hard to understand why so many people (mostly women) value the idea of marriage over a long term relationship and will leave an otherwise good relationship in order to find someone else who will marry them. Each to their own though, we all need to do what we feel most comfortable living with I guess.

euronorris

I think it depends on whether marriage is important to YOU. If it's not, then fine, but it clearly is important to you. So....if your bf is NEVER willing to get Married, then you have to decide whether or not you are OK with never getting married.

There are pro's and con's to Marriage, of course. But, I would be more interested in finding out why he is refusing to ever get married. As others have said, if it thought of it as just a piece of paper, then he should be willing to do it just because it is important to you. After all, if he's not bothered, what's the big deal?

So, is it because he fears the cost of an expensive wedding? Or does he have deeper issues, ie his parents had a nasty divorce, or simply that most married couples he knew are now divorced and so it scares him?

If this is important to you, I would sit down and talk with him, and really listen to what he has to say. I know it's quite an emtional issue, but try to stay calm.

x

DigitalJedi

I'm going to play devil's advocate here.

From your BF's point of view it probably goes something like this:

• A third to half of all marriages end in divorce so its hardly a commitment
• He's got you already. What's an extra piece of paper give?
• If you get divorced, men usually get screwed over in court.
• Weddings cost a fortune
• It's a commitment and us men are not good with commitment's! We might change our mind!

mountainofdebt

DigitalJedi wrote: »

I'm going to play devil's advocate here.

From your BF's point of view it probably goes something like this:

• A third to half of all marriages end in divorce so its hardly a commitment but by that token, 2/3rds of marriages last so isn't that a bigger sign of people committing to each other
• He's got you already. What's an extra piece of paper give? Committment
• If you get divorced, men usually get screwed over in court. I'm sure that there are women out there who wouldn't say that, so who's generalising now?
• Weddings cost a fortune Doesn't have to - people have been brain washed into thinking they do!
• It's a commitment and us men are not good with commitment's! We might change our mind! So what you're really saying is you want a get out of jail (no pun intended) card ?

The thing is that there is no such thing as common law marriages.......just count the number of threads on here where people have learned to their cost that despite years of being together it counts for nothing when one of the partners die or decides they want out.

Amanda65

Hi Leona

To me marriage was very important - as it was to my husband. We felt we wanted to make a public committment to each other and bring our children up in an environment where they knew their parents had made that commitment to each other.

Before anyone shouts me down, I know that marriages break down and I also know that there are many many co-habiting partners who have very long term relationships, but this was our own personal feelings.

For the record, I will have been married for 23 years this year and although it's not all been wine and roses we've stuck it out and I am sure that sometimes it was that 'piece of paper' that kept us together. Obviously I can't swear that is the case but it works for us.

I think the real issue is you want to be married and your OH doesn't. Whilst I would never advocate giving this man an ultimatum you do have to consider that if your core beliefs are so opposed, what else you disagree on ?

old_motters

Amanda65 wrote: »

Hi Leona

To me marriage was very important - as it was to my husband. We felt we wanted to make a public committment to each other and bring our children up in an environment where they knew their parents had made that commitment to each other.

Before anyone shouts me down, I know that marriages break down and I also know that there are many many co-habiting partners who have very long term relationships, but this was our own personal feelings.

For the record, I will have been married for 23 years this year and although it's not all been wine and roses we've stuck it out and I am sure that sometimes it was that 'piece of paper' that kept us together. Obviously I can't swear that is the case but it works for us.

I think the real issue is you want to be married and your OH doesn't. Whilst I would never advocate giving this man an ultimatum you do have to consider that if your core beliefs are so opposed, what else you disagree on ?

I quite agree. I think if you're married, you're willing to go that bit further to ensure the success of the relationship. To get married means making a decision to be committed to one person, a long term relationship just doesn't mean the same thing IMO.