How important is marriage?

reck_uk

Me and my other half haven't got married either.


A generation or two ago it was a lot more important, but as with so many other things such as sex before marriage or living together before getting married it doesn't matter any more and it's probably the norm nowadays.


I just don't think marriage is relevant today IMO. What's more important is the relationship and the love you have for each other and creating a marriage contract won't change that (just look at the divorce rate). Also it's not just men who get screwed in divorce, my other half's parents got divorced a couple of years ago and it cost them both a lot of money with solicitors fees etc


My parents have been happily married for over 40 years and I see no problem with people who want to do it I just don't see it changing anything so what's the point? Each to their own.

Marcheline

Marraige is extremely important to me. I sort of gave my (now) fiance an ultimatum about it as I was ready to leave if he wasn't prepared to properly commit. We have a child together (unplanned) and I sacrificed a lot to move from my family and friends to live with him in his parents house hundreds of miles away. He said he wanted us to live together first before deciding on marriage, which I understood (this is the reason I moved uo North), but I wasn't prepared to put my considerable savings into a house with someone I wasn't married to.

I also wanted to change our daughter's surname from mine to his before she started school and without being married I wasn't prepared to do this. His mum even said to me "if he's not talking about marriage, make your own plans and get on with your life as it's not fair on either you or the little one to keep you hanging about."

As it was approaching a year of us living together in his parents house he wasn't mentioning marriage so I started looking about for houses to buy on my own. In my opinion, if he's happy to live with me, have me do his cooking/washing/cleaning/ironing, then he should be happy to marry me. We didn't argue about it as such, I just made it clear that if it wasn't going to be on the cards, I'd be off.

We are now due to get married this year and are both looking forward to it. He has been very involved in the wedding plans and is clearly glad we are to marry. I think sometimes just the whole idea of it scares people.

We are both from large families and no-one in either of our families has been divorced and everyone has been married for 15 years plus, but I would say your boyfriend might be put off the idea if all he sees is marriages falling apart. He is also quite young. My fiance is 26 and like I say at first the notion seemed to frighten him!

divorcingjack

Leona - are you me?!

I am in exactly the same situation, and I'm sorry to tell you we haven't got married, but we are still together.

At the time, I considered it to be a deal-breaker and we did move out for a while, but we had counselling and many many many tears and I eventually decided that I couldn't sacrifice him. Everything else we agree on - we have been together nearly 7 years, own a house together and are planning a family. We're a bit older than you though - both 28.

I have never been affected by divorce, but his family are ALL divorced nastily and there is a lot of bitterness. He said that he felt if he married me, he would change and "stop trying". I tried everything - begging, crying, pleading, ignoring .. nothing worked.

W have now agreed that if and when we have a baby, we will go to a solicitor and set up an agreement as to what will happen legally were we to split up. It's not what I wanted (string quartet anyone??), but I've got him and I'm getting used to it.

It hasn't stopped me dreaming that he will spring it on me one day, but I'm far more at peace than I was. I now know that he knows how important it is to me, and that is all I can ask for - his own actions now are down to him.

PM if you want a rant - I know I spent weeks torturing myself over on ringenvy.com! (don't go there by the way!!!)

dj

PS: username is a book by the way!

reck_uk

Marcheline wrote: »

Marraige is extremely important to me. I sort of gave my (now) fiance an ultimatum about it as I was ready to leave if he wasn't prepared to properly commit.

Do you really think getting married is a commitment and not being married means you're not committed?

We've not been married for the best part of 10 years and I can tell you i'm 100% committed to her and our son.

You just have to look at people who have got married and obviously aren't committed, look at Tiger Woods, married with children and sleeping with a handful of other women, Ashley Cole ect the list goes on. Then you have people like Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn who have been together (and not married) for over 20 years now.

So it really doesn't matter if your married or not it all comes down to how much you love and respect your other half and getting married won't change that.

Also were you being serious when you said you would leave the man you love more than anything over a piece of paper? Isn't the love you have for someone vastly more important than some kind of contract?

Chinkle

Leona - I think aliasojo put it better than me - it may or may not make a difference to him on an emotional level, but it will make a difference to both of you on a legal/financial level.

If you go on to live together and even have children without the legal commitment of marriage then should you split or one gets seriously ill or dies things get a lot more complicated to sort out.

That doesn't mean you should get married, it's just a practical thing that you should both be aware of.

Marcheline

reck_uk wrote: »

Do you really think getting married is a commitment and not being married means you're not committed?

Also were you being serious when you said you would leave the man you love more than anything over a piece of paper? Isn't the love you have for someone vastly more important than some kind of contract?

In answer to your first question, yes I do think that. It might not be fashionable to say so and I don't intend to offend you, but that's what I think. Other people clearly think differently and if both parties in a relationship think that you can be committed without marriage, then ok.

In answer to your second question, I don't believe it is just "a bit of paper" and yes I would have left him, as hard as it would have been. As I said before, if he wasn't willing to commit through marriage, then I wasn't willing to carry on washing/cleaning/cooking/acting as though I was married to him.

It really is as important as that to me: in my mind, if someone isn't prepared to marry me when we have a child together, have been together over 4 years, are acting as though we're married in every other way, then he doesn't love me as much as he purports to. That's how I see it. I should add that my fiance had never said "never" to the idea of marriage, it was always "just not yet, I'm not ready"

DigitalJedi

mountainofdebt wrote: »

DigitalJedi wrote: »

I'm going to play devil's advocate here.

From your BF's point of view it probably goes something like this:

• A third to half of all marriages end in divorce so its hardly a commitment but by that token, 2/3rds of marriages last so isn't that a bigger sign of people committing to each other
• He's got you already. What's an extra piece of paper give? Committment
• If you get divorced, men usually get screwed over in court. I'm sure that there are women out there who wouldn't say that, so who's generalising now?
• Weddings cost a fortune Doesn't have to - people have been brain washed into thinking they do!
• It's a commitment and us men are not good with commitment's! We might change our mind! So what you're really saying is you want a get out of jail (no pun intended) card ?

The thing is that there is no such thing as common law marriages.......just count the number of threads on here where people have learned to their cost that despite years of being together it counts for nothing when one of the partners die or decides they want out.

I was playing devil's advocate. These were all excuses i remember using at one time or another with my previous ex's. The bottom line was however that I didn't want to marry THEM. However, now I've met someone I would happily marry. Ironically I can't!

As for OP, at 22 I would seriously recommend you give it a few years and see how you feel. Looking back, at the age of 22, I thought I was so mature and knew everything. Turned out I knew nothing!

C_Mababejive

Person_one wrote: »

I hate to be morbid, but being married makes things a lot easier if one of you is seriously ill or injured or dies.

Why? so that you can make decisions about someone elses care or even if they live or die?

Also,being married doesnt confer any obligation as to having to "look after" or care for your partner.

If either partner falls terminally ill,and that illness continues for a decade or more..wouldnt you reconsider your position or would you just soldier on,caring for them,for better or worse blah blah blah...or would you selfishly look after yourself and get on with your own life..even move on/out?

maggied_2

My OH and I were having this exact conversation at the weekend.

I've been married before but OH hasn't - he has had a long term relationship and has a DD with the [STRIKE]witch [/STRIKE] woman.

He's always said that he wasn't that bothered about being married as he couldn't see how it would change things. I do think it changes things though - I'm not exactly sure how to best put it into words but: you and your OH have stood up and made a public commitment to each other - by doing so you become each other's next of kin and create a family bond. Whether you change names is a matter of choice - for me I would like it so that our children would all have the same name (including his DD who has his name). There is also a sense of permanence about being married which I don't believe you have in a long term relationship.

I don't wish to offend anyone who does differently - I just know myself that having done both I would like to be married and that if OH was dead set against it then I'm not sure I'd be sticking around - or at least there would have to be a very good reason why not (but not sure I can think of one).

As it happens he's told me that he often refers to me as his wife to customers etc as girlfriend doesn't sound quite right "with what we've got" - ahhh! (please no comments from anyone who remembers how close we came to breaking up last year ). Thing is neither of us actually wants a wedding. Hmmm.....

inkie

Me and DH have been married for 18 years this year - I was 20 when I married. When we made that commitment to each other that we wanted to be 'together forever', marriage was the context in which this would be worked out for us. Not getting married never entered in to the equasion. Promising, to each other, and before God, to 'forsake all others and keep only unto him/her as long as you both shall live' surely is the ultimate act of commitment?