How important is marriage?

xmaslolly76

When i married my ex i did it for all the wrong reasons i was never that bothered about it but we had kids and thought it better they were bought up in a stable home where we all had the same name. Fast forward 5yrs and we have been apart for 3 and a bit of those. I think deep down i knew we shouldnt be getting married relationship was rocky then. Once we broke up i said never again and didnt think it was worth all the hassle.

Fast forward to now i have a new partner and we are expecting our second child. Now i want to get married for the right reasons i love him to pieces and cant imagine my life without him and i really want to make that commitment to him and make those promises to him to show how much i love him. So yes now i think marriage is very important :-)

Person_one

C_Mababejive wrote: »

Why? so that you can make decisions about someone elses care or even if they live or die?

Also,being married doesnt confer any obligation as to having to "look after" or care for your partner.

If either partner falls terminally ill,and that illness continues for a decade or more..wouldnt you reconsider your position or would you just soldier on,caring for them,for better or worse blah blah blah...or would you selfishly look after yourself and get on with your own life..even move on/out?

I wasn't thinking in terms of 'obligations'. Being married means you become each other's next of kin and could be responsible for making medical decisions if your spouse is unable to.

Say your spouse wanted to donate their organs or wouldn't want to be kept alive artificially, they have talked to you about it often and made their wishes clear, however their parents disagree.

Say your spouse is in intensive care, only one visitor at a time allowed, priority given to immediate family/next of kin. If you aren't married you may be stuck in a waiting room or even at home as there is no obligation to inform you if something happens to them.

I admit I'm not that well up on inheritance tax but I think its a lot easier to inherit and to maintain control of marital assets after the death of a partner if you are married.

Yes its a piece of paper, but so is a will, so is an employment contract, so is a deed to a property. They still mean something!

downshifted

Remind him that if you are married and you win the lottery he is entitled to a share - if you are not married - you can walk out and leave him broke lol :-)

Oldernotwiser

My husband lived with someone for several years and I know she would have liked to have got married. When I asked him what he said to her about this he said that he told her it was a pointless piece of paper which they didn't need.
He asked me to marry him within a week of getting together and we've been married now for over 20 years.

Read between the lines; he's really not that into you!

DaisyFlower

SkintGypsy wrote: »

I love being married. I love that my children and I will all have the same name. I love having a husband instead of a boyfriend or partner. It feels different, and more permanent.

A wedding is as expensive as you choose to make it, but I didn't want the wedding, I wanted the marriage. We function as a unit, not individuals. I'm not sure it would be that way if we hadn't been married.

ETA- Obviously many people have that level of commitment without the piece of paper, but it made a difference to me.

I could have written your post :T

I wanted to be married before we had a child, it was important to me. The actual wedding was small and intimate - truly about getting married rather than just a big fancy day. My vows meant a lot to me, its simply not the same as a long term relationship.

lostinrates

Lotus-eater wrote: »

In essence, marriage is as important to you, as you make it, or want it to be.

Until you are seriously ill. Or your partner dies. DH and I wanted to get married for many reasons, but it was my serious illness that made us want to get married WHEN we did. There are other circumstanes of course, where marriage really does mean something.

Over and over again these things are brought up as some sort of love measuring thing: I don't believe that's the case. As it happens I love being married, and DH, but we felt ''spiritually united'' before marriage in much the same way as we do now. we also feel contractually safer, and there is no doubt the ''test of commitment'' that marriage is, rather than commitment itself, was great for our already great relationship.

Soubrette

C_Mababejive wrote: »

Why? so that you can make decisions about someone elses care or even if they live or die?

Also,being married doesnt confer any obligation as to having to "look after" or care for your partner.

If either partner falls terminally ill,and that illness continues for a decade or more..wouldnt you reconsider your position or would you just soldier on,caring for them,for better or worse blah blah blah...or would you selfishly look after yourself and get on with your own life..even move on/out?

Unfortunately not everyone gets on with their partner's parents or whoever may actually be the most obvious next of kin. Imagine if your partner is serious ill and incapacitated in hospital and her mum says you aren't allowed to visit. The parents are likely to be considered the next of kin, not a partner, especially if the parents are forceful about it.

I used to work in the life insurance business and there were several instances where people had died and their partners were forced to give up their houses because people had not set up their affairs properly or not gotten married.

Marriage is not necessary if you set up your affairs properly (wills, making sure you have nominated your partner as your next of kin etc) but unfortunately most people don't bother.

Personally I love it when my husband calls me 'my wife', although sometimes I call him my partner (just for fun )

Sou

Lotus-eater

lostinrates wrote: »

Until you are seriously ill. Or your partner dies. DH and I wanted to get married for many reasons, but it was my serious illness that made us want to get married WHEN we did. There are other circumstanes of course, where marriage really does mean something.

Over and over again these things are brought up as some sort of love measuring thing: I don't believe that's the case. As it happens I love being married, and DH, but we felt ''spiritually united'' before marriage in much the same way as we do now. we also feel contractually safer, and there is no doubt the ''test of commitment'' that marriage is, rather than commitment itself, was great for our already great relationship.

Why, what happens then?

I love that you love being married, as I said, it's what you think of it.

aliasojo

lostinrates wrote: »

Over and over again these things are brought up as some sort of love measuring thing.

I very much agree with this point. I think a lot of women hold this view (whether they will admit to it or not).

lostinrates

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Why, what happens then?

I love that you love being married, as I said, it's what you think of it.

I agree, its a personal decision. Frankly the paper work, the decision making, falling to next of kin is the issue we had with not being married. Incidentally if I were a parent ''being married'' would not be enough for me and I'd want more than the very basic will I have because marriage is between adults, not between families. I wouldn't, for example, want to enter a mortgage or investment with someone without a plan for what happened if one of us got ill/died/lost income or walked out. One hopes of course that none of those scenarios will happen.

I think to day its foolish to try and argue that marriage is ''binding for life'' however hard you hope it is: but it does now providea framework for what happens to finances etc should it prove not to be. Marriages need be no shorter lasting than non-marriage arrangements. It also DOES hold an emtinal relevance for some people. If one feels this and one feels there is ''nothing'' to be gained from a''piece of paper'' and th relationship is as committed I do not feel it a loving act to not provide a ceremony that does mean something to the other party. If neither desire it, then, financial and parental arrangements made then I think the whole question is moot!

I think it is however relevant to society where it might change the nature of claimed living situations/tax vcredits or benefits: for gain or loss. My take is not that they should be different for those living together as married, but rather they should be the same in all committed relationships, regardless of religion or sex.

To say its ''nothing'' though is not true either, it might be the lazy option for people not religious or spiritually inclined: it saved a lot more complex paper work!