Learn to control money but do not allow it to control you

Butti

Green Bee,

I'd start with the Energy Saving Trust site and probably with utilities on here. There are schemes where the energy companies effectively rent your roof but I don't think they are the best idea in terms of payback. Just do lots of research before you commit.

B

greenbee

Karmacat wrote: »

LOL Greenbee, at the boredom!

seriously, I'm on bed rest at the moment, and the weather hasn't been good enough for lying around in the sun. So it's dull. And every time I think i'm well enough to do stuff it turns out I'm wrong.

Butti wrote: »

Green Bee,

I'd start with the Energy Saving Trust site and probably with utilities on here. There are schemes where the energy companies effectively rent your roof but I don't think they are the best idea in terms of payback. Just do lots of research before you commit.

B

Thanks I've done some looking... More forum threads to dig through, but I think i'll get a couple of the big companies out to look and quote, and then do some research into the financial health of some of the newer, smaller, more innovative ones.

Just checked my energy consumption to work out my new tariff and I don't exactly use much - 2,500 kwh elec and 890 metric units (10,000 kwh) gas a year for a 3 bedroom house working from home. Definitely cheaper than paying for petrol to go to the office! (and explains why my friends and family think my house is cold!)

Cheery_Daff

(((((FW))))))))))))) hope you're feeling a little better now. You CANNOT continue like this! Sounds like you very much need to have a chat with everyone, as lots of other people have said - and perhaps with your OH first if you can to present a united front. Perhaps even deadlines are in order - I'd like you all to be helping with your fair share - and if it still isn't working in 3 months (with regular progress meetings, so it doesn't come as a surprise) you'll be asked to leave.

And certainly don't be worrying about an inheritance! :eek: They'll never work if they're expecting money! :eek: Spend it all while you're alive I say

And look after yourself first xx

greenbee

Cheery_Daff wrote: »

And certainly don't be worrying about an inheritance! :eek: They'll never work if they're expecting money! :eek: Spend it all while you're alive I say

agreed. My grandfather always said he wanted to go out of the world with what he brought into it, and he succeeded. As far as I'm concerned, my parents earnt their money and it is theirs to spend. I'm not saying that they don't help me out occasionally, but I don't expect it, and I'm not expecting them to leave much behind.

You obviously have a very strong work ethic, and this is what you want to pass on to your boys, not the fruits of it. Teaching them to stnd on their own two feet is the greatest gift you can give them (although they might not appreciate that right now!)

MrsMoo2U

greenbee wrote: »

agreed. My grandfather always said he wanted to go out of the world with what he brought into it, and he succeeded. As far as I'm concerned, my parents earnt their money and it is theirs to spend. I'm not saying that they don't help me out occasionally, but I don't expect it, and I'm not expecting them to leave much behind.

You obviously have a very strong work ethic, and this is what you want to pass on to your boys, not the fruits of it. Teaching them to stnd on their own two feet is the greatest gift you can give them (although they might not appreciate that right now!)

Agreed with both of these points. I was brought up from an early age to fend for myself. We all had set jobs to do with deadlines of when to do them by. For example one of my jobs was to brush down the stairs and it had to be done by Sunday teatime. Other than that deadline I could choose when it should be done to allow me to fit in the other jobs/homework/fun. Didnt do me any harm. Also my parents had no money to leave to me so I never expected it. On the other hand I have cousins who didnt even know what an electricity bill was when it arrived and to this day go running to their parents whenever they want anything at all. I worry about how they will cope when they lose both parents as I have, at least I know how to manage things.

I am sure FW that you have taught your boys well, now you just need to enforce some rules.

Wordsmith

Dear Firewalker, sorry to hear that things have got so bad. It sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back - you have been doing too much, too intensely and reached the end of your tether.

Firewalker wrote: »

Five freaking years of that! Son Number Two comes back from University from time to time; now, he is a soul of my soul (although he is technically my step son) but...He doesn’t move a muscle when he is here. They both get up at 11.00, 12.00 wait to be served (at most asked when is dinner) and sit on bottoms.

Back to basics, why did this start and why has it gone on so long? That's not an accusation, just maybe a place to start from? I agree with other posters that the role of a parent is to teach their offspring how to become functioning, respectful adults. If these young men see you doing all this for them, they will think it is the norm and expect their girlfriends/wives to do it for them. If the girlfriends/wives comply - and sadly they will probably find ones that will - then their children will see it as the norm. And so on ...

Is it perhaps that you are aware you are not their birth mother and so are somehow trying to fulfil a role of being the not-evil stepmother? I don't know, and you don't have to answer of course, but at some point, for some reason, you allowed this situation to happen and now have the unenviable task of making sure it doesn't continue. I have been in a not similar, but not dissimilar, situation - I wasn't strong enough to make the change, something I really regret. You are strong enough, I'm sure.

Firewalker wrote: »

OH announced that he is finished, he is done and he wants to be left alone.

Finished with what? Is he as fed up with the "boys" as you are? If so, that is good, as hopefully you can unite in turning round the situation. Or do you mean he couldn't cope with your anger and has become one of the "boys" himself, retreating to under the duvet until the unpleasantness has blown over?

Firewalker wrote: »

... if things don’t change around here ...

Now, this is going to sound harsh, but it's not meant to be. Unfortunately it is you that has to do the changing - hopefully with your OH's backup, but maybe without. And that change is to not be complicit in allowing the situation to continue. By doing the cleaning, the cooking, the washing and so on and so on, you are condoning their lazy and selfish behaviour. They won't change unless you do. Yes, I know how easy that is to write and how terribly difficult it is to do.

Firewalker wrote: »

I don’t give a toss about leaving large inheritance to people who couldn’t care less

Quite right too! Why on earth should you spend your life grafting to line the pockets of the idle and ungrateful when you are dead? Get yourself out of debt and then blow everything you earn on enjoying yourself. Give the little so and sos something to strive for themselves.

But most of all, look after yourself and remember how you inspire and advise the people you know only through the internet. Try and apply this to yourself and your family.

Good luck.

Karmacat

Great points there, Wordsmith - and greenbee, I'm so sorry! Didn't realise you were on actual bedrest - hope you're mending soon.

((((((((((((((FW))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((greenbee))))))))))))))

Firewalker

Thank you, my friends, for your support and advice. You are too many to mention individually but you all have been wonderful and did write so much sense. During the last two days, as many of you advised, my priorities were to rest, clear my head and come up with workable options.

Yesterday OH did speak to the older boys (young men). Today I did speak to one of them (the other one is out) and we have agreed actions and deadlines. I did make it clear that I have considered leaving them and that this six months trial. He, of course, was very understanding and he would like to be able to do things right. He in fact cooked tonight (fried bacon but still he did it). My worry is that we need to support him to change his thinking and overcome his well established habit of postponing his life.

I feel better; partly because last night I went out with my friends and got rather tipsy – last time I was drunk was in Vienna, July 1999. It helps I found but I promise not to make it a habit. Talking to my two friends also helped – it was an evening spent drinking and making wild plans we know we will never live. I mean really mad...

Ani26, I am back! And it is not that I have it all sorted but you know, mate, ‘it is more the journey than the destination’. Can you see I watched Pirates of the Caribbean yesterday?

Greenbee, last year we looked into solar panels and finally did not do it but it was not because we didn’t think it worthwhile but because doing the bathrooms was more pressing. And we are still planning to put solar panels on the roof when we get to the nest stage of work on the house. It is not a purely financial decision though. It is a bit like keeping hens – when one starts doing the maths seriously the eggs are not that much cheaper but they are so much nicer, fresher and there is no salmonella; also the hens usually can move when they are in out chicken run.

I just joined Love Movies and am about to watch a movie – but will be telling you more about this tomorrow.

Sleep well and thanks again.

Firewalker

greenbee

Glad to see you are back FW. I hope your men and boys are starting to appreciate you.

You talked earlier in the year about putting aside time to spend with OH and with LB. Maybe you should prioritise this for a bit. I know how easy irbid to get caught up both in work, and in day to day life, so make the time for the things that matter, and everything else will have to fit into the time that is left or not be done. So fix a date night with OH, even if its just to go out for a walk, and LB can spend quality time with his big brother at the same time. And book regular evening/weekend time with your youngest, before he turns into a teenager and wants to avoid spending time with his mother!

ETA meant to say I'm going to be dealing with the bathroom first, but plan to start getting some solar PV quotes as if it is worth doing I want to get it done this year (FiTs change next April).

Must get on with my frog list...

Getting all these men to cook, clean, iron, garden etc will be very valuable to them in terms of life skills, and hopefully they will thank you for it one day soon.

Butti

I ditto Date Night FW, at least once a month, preferably once a fortnight. Don't lose sight of what is important and what needs nuturing.

...free relationship advice from a woman who has only ever got one relationship past 6 months!!!

B