Learn to control money but do not allow it to control you

bloss0m

tato113 :spam: reported

Butti

savingwannabe wrote: »

Butti did you get your dissertation in?

Dissertation? No, that's a future installment - if I decide to install it! Did get my assignment in - Big Society and community engagement and 2 case studies - 3200 words!

Just done the Race for Life. Now very tired and a little tipsy :beer:

B

Firewalker

Good morning. Things are not too hot here – there was a bit fall out yesterday and let us just say that, as usual in our house, I ended up sleeping on the sofa in my study. Nice as it is, it is still too short to sleep in. This after I was still up at 3 a.m.; writing and crying. Probably needed and certainly long overdue – still feel horrid this morning.

What was all this about? You know yesterday I posted a brief message explaining that I don’t have time for watching TV any longer? What I did not mention is that I have not had time for anything any longer – have not played with LB for ages. It is good that he has a large group of friends in the neighbourhood and they are out playing but I am still missing out. There are so many weekends we have with our children – I did some counting somewhere. My time has all been spent working so that I can earn, and budget and generally reverse the financial free fall of eighteen months ago. And I have been doing really well – have not told you yet but only this month we paid off about 11% of the ‘negative wealth’. In absolute numbers it is very impressive, believe me.

Operating at this level, however, means that people get exhausted and deep down not very satisfied with different arrangements. I, for one, have had the feeling for some time that I do a disproportionately high share of all – earning, cleaning, cooking even blasted gardening – and the other members of the family don’t. This is particularly true about Young Man – he is 27, long term un-employed, lives with us and thinks that we have to look after him. He contributes £10 per week to the house and things this is plenty. In five years he has NEVER cooked a meal and for him to clean his room and bathroom (which I can smell from the floor below) I have to go through a process of increasingly serious threats. Five freaking years of that! Son Number Two comes back from University from time to time; now, he is a soul of my soul (although he is technically my step son) but...He doesn’t move a muscle when he is here. They both get up at 11.00, 12.00 wait to be served (at most asked when is dinner) and sit on bottoms.

Yesterday I asked Young Man and Son Number Two to unload the dishwasher and to sweep in front of the house. An hour later SNT said ‘I can’t find the brush’ and sat to play Nintendo. Three hours later nothing had been done. Three seconds later I was mad like bull that has been shown a red rag – I was cutting the grass, sweeping the paths...But I refused to talk to anybody, refused to sit to dinner with them...It was too much – I don’t mind putting in but it is really hard when nothing comes back; when one is exploited and nobody notices that they are just about coping, just about managing to get enough sleep to be able to function.

OH announced that he is finished, he is done and he wants to be left alone. If nothing else we know how to do suffering in our house – it looks very much like the Bennetts in Pride and Prejudice just the other way around. I usually sit with a book, or write, or do the accounts and OH takes him-self off majestically upstairs and gives some dignity to the whole scene.

And do you know what was worst? For the first time since I was a kid I saw crossing the line to another place as a possibility. Last night I wanted out – Firewalker has left the building. But there is a Little Boy and when he was born I made him two promises – that he will grow up and thrive on love and that I am going to take him to his town (the town that has his name). I kept my promise with the second and I sure as hell am not going to break my first one. What kind of love is it if your mother ‘leaves the building’?

What am I going to do? I don’t know. I suspect if things don’t change around here I will: a) stop all my positive and building activities (stuff all that – I want change, I want life; I don’t give a toss about leaving large inheritance to people who couldn’t care less – I am becoming very American in that); b) withdraw; and c) eventually leave. The contract needs re-writing and re-negotiating.

If I stop doing what I have been doing – on following expenditure, building up income and increasing wealth – we will be back to where we were eighteen months ago in no time. And there won’t be any we – it will be me and there is always farm land to consider and three dwellings in another country.

I am showing two fingers to my life today!

I will be back – may be in couple of hours, may be in couple of days. There are options to consider and actions to be taken.

Firewalker

Aesop

I must admit I am a big fan of TV. Mum's fault. We had a huge age gap between me and my sister being born and my Mum's age, she didn't know how to entertain us, wouldn't let us go out, so we ended up watching TV all the time. Bad habit I have retained.

anyhow, hugs FW. I understand how you feel. I got told off last night for DS not being advanced enough. He is still learning to use the toilet at 3 and a half, and his friends potty trained very early. And DH's friend's children are all potty trained by 2. What the hell am I doing? His words not mine.

Doesn't want to listen to reason about boys being slow learners or how it can take some boys a long time to toilet train.

and said our son is slow because he can't do the alphabet yet or count to 30.

my fault as I taught DS to count to 10 by the time he was a year old.

Doesn't matter that his keyworker has told me she is surprised at how well he can count to 10, recognises the numbers out of sequence, can count more than one item, ie there are 3 on the table, he will correctly count 3. that he knows his colours and shapes.

That he can spell his name and looks for the letters (in the short version of his name) everywhere we go and identifies them in places I don't even see!

No, I spend too much time trying to make money, save money and not enough time educating him to be a smart child.

He is learning his alphabet both at home and nursery, he has been singing songs for a long time but is shy around other people and won't sing to everyone.

But I am wrong in not spending enough time on him. If I didn't make money to pay the bills, there would be a problem.

sorry to vent, just wanted to tell you I know how you feel.

williamD1964

Dearest FW,

Please, take time to take stock. The situation with your children obviously needs adjusting but please. don't let it destroy all your hard work. Your eldest obviously needs a kick up the backside (to put it politely) and your other son is treating you and your home like a hotel. I think the both need a dose of reality and would suggest that new rules need to put in place immediately to ensure that the don't abuse your good nature.

FW doesn't have to leave the building permanently - but perhaps the threat of FW leaving the building, or FW leaving the building for a month, to let them fend for themselves might do the trick.

As for oldest son I would suggest that you sit him down and rip him a new ar*ehole. Tell him straight to buck his ideas up of walk. He should be told he is now expected to clean his room, cook at least once a week for the whole family (offer to show him how) do his own laundry (again offer to show him how & once done, this is the simplest thing because if he doesn't, he will end up with no clean clothes because you will refuse to wash them for him) and act like a responsible part of the family. All decisions should be made with your OH. You are an excellent communicator, so talk to him and work it out.

Finally. Take some time for yourself.

No writing, no work, just YOU time. Go for a relaxing run, or walk. Don't be competitive setting a distance or a time, but just do it because it will make you feel good after. I have held the belief that you have been trying to make up for too much in too short a time. It is unhealthy.

You have taken great steps, far greater than I can ever hope to. Don't throw it all away hun.

X

savingwannabe

Just arrived back from exhibition and i need to tidy before the boys get here! i will give myself about one and half hours.

Dont say anything. Print off what you posted and stick it on the fridge door/bedroom doors and go out for a cup of tea and a cake. Then spend the next few days making food for LB and yourself and leave the rest to it. They will sort themselves out.

I am so cross. You inspire us all, and i would give anything for you to be a relative of mine. The boys are just being naughty and taking you for granted. Hopefully they will see and start to make you feel valued again soon.

Take your time, treat yourself. You are right to be upset. You have done nothing wrong. They will come round.

If not can i visit with a frying pan? and i will sock 'em

love sw.

savingwannabe

Aesop wrote: »

I must admit I am a big fan of TV. Mum's fault. We had a huge age gap between me and my sister being born and my Mum's age, she didn't know how to entertain us, wouldn't let us go out, so we ended up watching TV all the time. Bad habit I have retained.

anyhow, hugs FW. I understand how you feel. I got told off last night for DS not being advanced enough. He is still learning to use the toilet at 3 and a half, and his friends potty trained very early. And DH's friend's children are all potty trained by 2. What the hell am I doing? His words not mine.

Doesn't want to listen to reason about boys being slow learners or how it can take some boys a long time to toilet train.

and said our son is slow because he can't do the alphabet yet or count to 30.

my fault as I taught DS to count to 10 by the time he was a year old.

Doesn't matter that his keyworker has told me she is surprised at how well he can count to 10, recognises the numbers out of sequence, can count more than one item, ie there are 3 on the table, he will correctly count 3. that he knows his colours and shapes.

That he can spell his name and looks for the letters (in the short version of his name) everywhere we go and identifies them in places I don't even see!

No, I spend too much time trying to make money, save money and not enough time educating him to be a smart child.

He is learning his alphabet both at home and nursery, he has been singing songs for a long time but is shy around other people and won't sing to everyone.

But I am wrong in not spending enough time on him. If I didn't make money to pay the bills, there would be a problem.

sorry to vent, just wanted to tell you I know how you feel.

Again you do a fantastic job. Your son is fab. He is not shy! He made friends with us. He is very intelligent. Parenting is a two way street and everyone needs to contribute, not just you dear Aesop.

I have two frying pans. Shall i come round?

Aesop

oh dear you do make me laugh SW ! :rotfl:

savingwannabe

I would come round, hug you, make you a cup of tea and we wouldl eat cake and i would bring the frying pan in case it is needed!!!!

Marru

William put it so well FW - Don't go and do things that you have asked them to do. Go to strike if needs be. But mostly talk to them.

Aesop - I just spotted wet pants (and trousers) on my 6 year DD. And she is now having tantrum because I was a "meanie" and made her to go and clean herself. BF is coming here later, I think I will take myself upstairs with my study materials at that point.