Learn to control money but do not allow it to control you

ani_26

What has happened to the great Firewalker? the person who i adnmire? the person who has it all together, unlike me, the greatest failure, ever.

Does'nt this go back several days, maybe even longer than that? Relationships, and the need to change, or be changed. It sounds like a large dose of both, is required. My personal solution, was to walk away. Once you've gone so far down the line, its virtually impossible to change either, thats yourself, or others.

I think a board meeting between all family members is required, not just you and OH. But i think it will be an uphill struggle. But i suspect, your character is like mine. If anything is worth / needs doing, then just do it yourself.

Of course, the the key to this, is one thing, without which, none of us can survive / exist. Love. Is love shown within members of your family?

None of this is worth achieving, without love, without which, none of us can survive.

With lots of love and a big hug to you :grouphug: :A


Nh xx

Karmacat

Firewalker wrote: »

This after I was still up at 3 a.m.; writing and crying. Probably needed and certainly long overdue – still feel horrid this morning.
FW, I think that "probably needed" tells a lot about how you've been coping - no one can shut down their feelings forever.

I have not played with LB for ages. It is good that he has a large group of friends in the neighbourhood and they are out playing but I am still missing out.
Well, you're missing out, but so is he, sadly for all concerned

I, for one, have had the feeling for some time that I do a disproportionately high share of all – earning, cleaning, cooking even blasted gardening – and the other members of the family don’t. This is particularly true about Young Man. Five freaking years of that! Son Number Two comes back from University from time to time; now, he is a soul of my soul (although he is technically my step son) but...He doesn’t move a muscle when he is here. They both get up at 11.00, 12.00 wait to be served (at most asked when is dinner) and sit on bottoms.

Five years! Absolutely - this kind of horror doesn't happen overnight. I guess what I'm wondering, is whats behind this behaviour of theirs - obviously, its unacceptable. How did it start? It was after LB was born, if its 5 years. I know a young woman almost exactly the elder one's age who acts in a very similar way, and she was going that way anyway, but a bereavement really made her regress, for a long time.

williamD1964 wrote: »

Dearest FW,

Please, take time to take stock. The situation with your children obviously needs adjusting but please. don't let it destroy all your hard work. Your eldest obviously needs a kick up the backside (to put it politely) and your other son is treating you and your home like a hotel. I think the both need a dose of reality and would suggest that new rules need to put in place immediately to ensure that the don't abuse your good nature.

As for oldest son I would suggest that you sit him down and rip him a new ar*ehole. Tell him straight to buck his ideas up of walk. He should be told he is now expected to clean his room, cook at least once a week for the whole family (offer to show him how) do his own laundry (again offer to show him how & once done, this is the simplest thing because if he doesn't, he will end up with no clean clothes because you will refuse to wash them for him) and act like a responsible part of the family. All decisions should be made with your OH. You are an excellent communicator, so talk to him and work it out.

Finally. Take some time for yourself.

No writing, no work, just YOU time. Go for a relaxing run, or walk. Don't be competitive setting a distance or a time, but just do it because it will make you feel good after. I have held the belief that you have been trying to make up for too much in too short a time. It is unhealthy.

You have taken great steps, far greater than I can ever hope to. Don't throw it all away hun.

Love this post of William's.

Butti wrote: »

Firewalker,

You need one thing, well apart from a rest, RESPECT. There is a grossly unfair division of labour in your family. Basically you do it all and why should they respect someone who just does it all.

Your offspring need to be contributing if only so they can live healthily once they leave home (Oh yes I can dream). I think have a chat with other half and agree a fairer division of labour, maybe the sanction for the eldest is the changing of the locks (or maybe I am just a bit too clinical!)

So for a starter....
1. Cleaning of his bathroom to the effect that you can't smell it in the rest of the house.
2. The cooking of a meal by each of them once a week - I'm assuming you have Delia or Jamie or something.
3. Some effort on the job front (I know this one isn't easy at all but given he's living off you and OH, he could at least get some work experience).

Yes you promised him you would look after him. You didn't promise to lie inside the front door and let him wipe his boots on you.

Love this post of Butti's too.

Karmacat

Triciaxx wrote: »

Oh, dear! First of all, breathe. Then have a hug.

Then sit down with your beverage of choice, somewhere where you won’t be interrupted and read what you posted again and think it through carefully before you take any irredeemable steps. Remember that if you threaten something and don’t follow through, they are just going to roll their eyes and think “she’s off again, let’s keep our heads down.”

I do think that a 27 yr old unemployed man who doesn’t even clean his room or bathroom needs a serious lesson. How does your DH feel about it? If you can’t show a united front on that then you are on a sticky wicket.

Son number 2 sounds the same. Is LB going to end up the same if he has that example?

DH and I have a little code for “I have something serious to say and you’re not going to like it.” Whichever of us feels like that says “I need to call a board meeting.” We both look in our diaries and find a suitable time to go out for a meal. The one calling the meeting emails the agenda to the other and we don’t discuss it till we are eating.

I reckon other diners think that the old fogies in the corner are having an affair as married couples don’t talk to one another right through dinner! It does seem to defuse most situations and ensures that things don’t fester.

thriftyscotslass wrote: »

FW, sending you much love. There is a lot of wisdom in everyone's posts. Sounds like you are burnt out my friend, this is not surprising, no-one can keep up with this sort of pressure indefinitely. As se999 said, being "superwoman" is out of fashion, women quickly learnt it was not sustainable.

Rest first my dear FW, then a plan of campaign to bring these men-folk into line is the order of the day. Thinking of you, xxx

ani_26 wrote: »

What has happened to the great Firewalker? the person who i adnmire? the person who has it all together, unlike me, the greatest failure, ever.
Ani! Sounds like you need help too :kisses3::grouphug:

Of course, the the key to this, is one thing, without which, none of us can survive / exist. Love. Is love shown within members of your family?

None of this is worth achieving, without love, without which, none of us can survive.

With lots of love and a big hug to you :grouphug: :A

Loving the wisdom.

MrsMoo2U

Firewalker, I have nothing useful to add to others posts except I do want to thank them all for such insightful posts. I did want to particularly agree with KC

This after I was still up at 3 a.m.; writing and crying. Probably needed and certainly long overdue – still feel horrid this morning.
FW, I think that "probably needed" tells a lot about how you've been coping - no one can shut down their feelings forever.

You simply cannot go on forever without eventually running on empty. You are trying too hard to be all things to all people. Take some strength back from others now when you need it. Rest and have some time for yourself. You have been poorly this week too and all of this, I believe, is the culmination of all the stress and hard work you have been dealing with. Take care.

Aesop

FW, I just want to say sorry for coming on and venting my own problems instead of posting as others have done.

I have read the posts and they are great, full of advice

hope you are feeling a little better this morning. :kisses3:

sorry side note, they have added strange new smilies.

Money_Fritter

Hi Firewalker,

Just wanted to say, I am thinking about you. I think you are a great inspiration and I know things can get you down at times, but keep going and hold your head high, I think you are amazing.

Money Fritter

Craftyscholar

Thinking of you FW.
I hope you are managing to find a way through the situation and getting your OH on side.
He should be supporting you not walking away.

greenbee

(((((((FW)))))))

I hope your family can pull together to sort this out. You've obviously been working very hard and need to give yourself a break. And I agree with those who say that the rest of the family need to help out. If your older boys can't afford to pay for board and lodging, then they should be contributing in other ways. I know that it is difficult when you want to support them to achieve their dreams, but they need to be ready for the real world and not protected too much.

So for a start, keeping their own rooms clean to a standard that you and OH find acceptable (it's your home, your rules) is non-negotiable. If they don't like it , they can find their own place to turn into a pigsty. It may seem harsh, but its fair. Then they should contribute to the running of the house by putting in a number of hours work equivalent board and lodging costs. How about you come up with a list of what needs to be done daily/weekly/monthly and get everyone to pick the stuff they do and share out the stuff no one wants at the end? Use a family planner to make it clear. The flylady lists on old style might work as a starting point.

Everyone can cook at least once a week - which means they all need to be involved in meal planning. Even your youngest can have a turn at this (and it's a great thing to do with his dad or brothers too).

Remember, you have always said that resolving the financial issues needs to be balanced with quality of life. Don't burn yourself out, however interesting the work. Maybe you need to come up with a family system that is flexible enough for all of you to be able to help take on the others' responsibilities at times (e.g. When you are travelling, or one of the boys is away). Firstly, make some time for yourself - go for a run, have some pampering, see a friend. Then go out with OH to talk things through. And out some time aside to spend with LB over half term. If you want some mummy time with him, then OH can spend some time with the older boys, maybe working out how they can help in achieving a more balanced household.

And if you want to get away, it's open house here at the moment as I'm VERY bored

greenbee

I've been thinking about what you said about assets/possessions/liabilities, and I'm trying to work out whether installing solar PV might turn my home from a liability to an asset. Despite the fact that I work from home, I'm pretty sure that I can generate more than I use for most of the year, so the savings and income would be a way of getting the house to pay it's way... Now I have to do my research to work out whether I'm better off buying or going for a rent-a-roof scheme...

More immediately, my energy tariff expires on Wednesday so I need to pick a new one...

Karmacat

greenbee wrote: »

If your older boys can't afford to pay for board and lodging, then they should be contributing in other ways. I know that it is difficult when you want to support them to achieve their dreams, but they need to be ready for the real world and not protected too much.

So for a start, keeping their own rooms clean to a standard that you and OH find acceptable (it's your home, your rules) is non-negotiable. If they don't like it , they can find their own place to turn into a pigsty. It may seem harsh, but its fair. Then they should contribute to the running of the house by putting in a number of hours work equivalent board and lodging costs. How about you come up with a list of what needs to be done daily/weekly/monthly and get everyone to pick the stuff they do and share out the stuff no one wants at the end? Use a family planner to make it clear. The flylady lists on old style might work as a starting point.

Everyone can cook at least once a week - which means they all need to be involved in meal planning. Even your youngest can have a turn at this (and it's a great thing to do with his dad or brothers too).

I love these points in particular! I know that starting up a system like this can feel like living in a firefight, but long term, I bet its worth it.

And if you want to get away, it's open house here at the moment as I'm VERY bored

LOL Greenbee, at the boredom!