Learn to control money but do not allow it to control you

se999

Pleased to see you're back FW.

I do agree with Gill about the male/female differences. When the family were together I was outnumbered 3 to 1. We had a time on Saturday mornings where we all mucked in and we started at the top and worked our way down the house. Everyone stripped and remade their own beds, and sorted out the dirty laundry and discovered missing mugs etc.. I tended to get the bathrooms/kitchen (but I liked them pristine), then it was down to who did what best or disliked it least. So one would vacuum, another would be ironing ( I hate ironing ). It actually was quite fun in a way - doing it as an intensive quick fix once a week meant people didn't get too bored, and we were all mucking in together, it didn't take that long either. Just wondered if that might work for your household too FW?

Admittedly getting them to put dirty dishes straight into the dishwasher, and the fact that if there's a wrapper of something you've finished with on the kitchen worktop it should go in the bin seemed to be black holes outside their normal level of conciousness

P.S. Just remembered why we ended up doing it this way, it got around all the tomorrowisms - so we didn't fall into the trap of arguing and getting upset when people tried to put things off until another day.

InaPickle

Wow, Firewalker - it sound as though you've had an *interesting* weekend.

There's not much I can say that everyone else hasn't said, but can I please utter the two most important words in the resolving of this situation: follow through.

Whatever you have all decided to do to resolve this situation, do not go back on it. For example, if you have agreed that eldest DS (the one with who doesn't do his washing) has to do it as part of his new responsabilities, and he brings the washing down and doesn't do it, do not get tempted to throw a few things in the wash when you are putting one on, whatever you do: leave it, and then if he comes asking 'Where's my *insert item of clothing here*?' Say 'I don't know: is it in your wardrobe? Is it on the floor in your room? Is it in the wash pile? Is it in the washer? The dryer? On the clothes maiden? (etc.)'. Eventually, he will figure out where it is, then maybe have a little grumble about it not being washed, in which case you say 'Oh, that's a pity if you wanted to wear it this afternoon (or whenever). I'm sure you'll remember to wash it in advance for next time.' in a pleasant tone of voice. (Don't attribute any blame etc. or use phrases like 'Well you should have thought about that before...'.) It will take a little time for the penny to drop, but trust me when I say that it will - but only if he is absolutely certain that you will NOT do it for him, else he has no incentive to change his behaviour and will revert to the old ways after a suitable period of looking like he's making an effort.

Trust me, this works: I have had cause to use it several times in the past and the person involved knows that there is no way I am going to do it for him/her so they eventually figure out the cause - effect relationship involved as there isn't anybody shielding them from the effects of their lack of action anymore.

Hope your Bank Holiday Monday turns out more enjoyable than the rest of the weekend.

Firewalker

OK! Today some big, fat frogs will simply have to be eaten. All frogs are family related ones – last night I decided that I will take this week properly off and relax. We will be going away to visit a friend tomorrow which will be fun. It is a pity I can’t go off to the mountains or skiing – and I mean proper, majestic mountains of the Alpine type. Mountains make my soul calm and my aura perfect blue and calm. Skiing is also good – I find that the worry about dying stops me from worrying about anything else. Very therapeutic!

So Frogs:

· Make a list of all that needs to be accomplished for the family to survive (this really means ‘all’ not only domestic matters)
· Negotiate it with the other members of the family (including the youngest one)
· Decide who is undertaking to do what by when to what standard (I do realise that I should not expect things being done to my standard but if I settle for some of the standards of other family members the house will stink and I’ll have to either clean it, pay for it to be cleaned or move out).
· This will have to be done at a family gathering and this may be difficult to arrange. Son Number Two has decided that it is easier not to be in much than to face the fact that he may have behaved inappropriately. This, however, is an assumption and assumptions need to be verified – otherwise they stop being assumptions and become isolatory delusions.

Now for the fun part:

· I will do a bit of research for the blog. There are two things that have been going through my mind lately and I would like to write articles about them. One is wealth that is caught in real estate and the other is the whole excitement about saving for pensions.

· It is the end of the month and time for financial check – I will get to do the Money Principle Net Worth calculator again.

· I am going to play a board game with Little Boy – he will choose what.

And I am not going to worry if I don’t complete some of these.

Firewalker

Memory_Girl

RANT ALERT!!!!

For what it's worth FW - my DS1 is fully au fait with our financial situation - he sees how save pennies / earn pennies / stretch pennies and then the choices we make before we spend them, so involving your wee one is a great idea from my viewpoint.

He understands about mortgages, debts, assets and liabilities and is fully on board with getting a lodger or two to turn our house into an "revenue producing asset".

Its all part of preparing him to be a great Man when he is older.

................ but be grateful that SS is not here - because he would soon find his stuff packed into bin-bags and left on the doorstep with a post-it for the nearest hostel.:eek:

But remember the tru-ism - "peple only do what works" and for £10 per week he has life pretty easy - certainly easier than my ten year old has it. And whilst I can understand you both wanting to take care of him, at some point he does need to stand on his own two feet and "become the man you hoped you were raising".

At the very least I would be electing to make him responsible for being your "Lady what does" for two or three days per week - in a "houseshares in houses of this standard cost £x per week - plus bills. Until you get a job you can pay this debt to us off at 3 days work per week, and on these days I want you to:

Do the shopping according to our list.
Clean all the bathrooms in our home - loos, sinks, baths, showers floors and windows.
Clean our kitchen, worktops, sinks, fridge and floor
Hoover all the carpets in our home.
Be responsible for all bins and recycling
Take full control of all the family's laundry, washing, ironing and returning to rooms.
Cook dinner 4 times per week according to our meal plan.

................ and that's the very basic's that I get through a week - why shouldn't HE if you are working FULL time plus???

After all he has the choice to move out and be responsible for all this and more- but even more importantly he is an ADULT who needs to realise that you as a family are in a negative wealth situation and a proportion of that has gone on housing/feeding him and he has responsibility as part of your family to help resolve the situation.

And as my Mum points out - if he doesn't want to take that responsibility, do you really want to be sharing your sanctuary with a person like that anyway? (But she is REALLY hard :eek:)

Good luck for your meeting hon - and I hope you get a family resolution that works for you. But there's a lovely saying "If Mama's happy, everybody's happy - If Mamas not happy, nobody is"

MG

Butti

InaPickle wrote: »

can I please utter the two most important words in the resolving of this situation: follow through.

Doesn't this leave a terrible stain in your trousers? :rotfl:

InaPickle

Butti wrote: »

Doesn't this leave a terrible stain in your trousers? :rotfl:

Oh Butti, you terrible person! :rotfl:

It can lead to worse things...like children.

getagrip83

Hello i have come from Ani's thread.

I have intermittently read your diaries and was amazed by your control,so this weekend's entries shocked me, but i should have recognised the symptoms!


I agree with all the other poster's about what should happen but as i have a similar situation myself it may not be that easy or quick.

You are a very inelligent person and you did not write a life plan which involved all these problems. They grew from genuine and caring solutions to issues in your family which you responded to in the best way possible at the time.

At work you can dictate the terms but with in a family you are dependent on good will, but blindness in the face of vested interest is what appears to be happening here.

So good luck and persevere. You will win but it may not be as swift as has been implied here.

Also it has taken time to develop and will take time to sort, don't beat yourself up you did the best you could.


gag

ani_26

Firewalker wrote: »

OK! Today some big, fat frogs will simply have to be eaten. All frogs are family related ones – last night I decided that I will take this week properly off and relax. We will be going away to visit a friend tomorrow which will be fun. It is a pity I can’t go off to the mountains or skiing – and I mean proper, majestic mountains of the Alpine type. Mountains make my soul calm and my aura perfect blue and calm. Skiing is also good – I find that the worry about dying stops me from worrying about anything else. Very therapeutic!

I don't understand. You worry about dying when you are skiing? Its the most exhilerating experience. Even in exteme situations, i've never worried about dying

Its funny how don't most people worry about dying or death? I've never been worried about dying or death. Even though i have' nt a clue what happens to you after death. Maybe your physical body just rots away? If anyone knew the answer to this, they would be a billionaire.



Firewalker

Well i tried multiquoting, but it did'nt work, as ever. It said my message was too short, ( even though it was'nt ). So this is the best reply i can give. Pah. Computer technology.


Oh. Well, maybe it did work, i'm not sure how, though :rotfl:

Firewalker

Good morning. It is time for a short update and then we will be packing (light is my new obsession) and will be going away for three days or so. Right...frogs go first.

Yesterday I did exactly what I said – made a list of all that needs to be done, prepare a brief statement of expenses that are shared (mortgage, utilities etc.) and called a family meeting. Young Man, OH and I shared preparing dinner – Young Man seems very, very concerned and interestingly enough it is not because he may be asked to leave but because I did tell him that if things don’t change I’ll have to leave (which happens to be really what I believe should happen if there is lack of progress). Dinner was lovely and after that we set down for a proper meeting – with one member missing (Little Boy who was out playing but he will have to read the confirmed minutes of the meeting).

You should have seen grown sons’ faces (particularly Young Man) when he saw how much does it cost to pay for shelter, utilities and food – which are the bills that have to be split in four and he should pay one forth. For the first time they also say, black on white so to speak, who contributes what financially. Then out came the list of all else that needs doing and the bidding process began. Now we have a proper list of tasks, the frequency with which these ought to be done and who does what. Next – the division of labour has to be applied and maintained. So far so good...

As for the rest, I did some research for the blog which was fun. The monthly accounts were fun as well – plotting the net worth graph and seeing it moving up makes me feel good. Negative wealth will be gone soon – if I have my way by Christmas – and then we can start building and enjoying. Board game with LB didn’t happen – he spend the whole day outside, playing with his friends.

Firewalker

greenbee

Sounds like a productive meeting FW, and educational for the young men who are going to have to start standing on their own two feet soon (obviously you'll be there to catch them, although they don't need to know that yet ). They clearly know that the stablisers are off now and they have to contribute as adults not be treated as children anymore.