Learn to control money but do not allow it to control you

Aesop

Marru wrote: »

Aesop - I just spotted wet pants (and trousers) on my 6 year DD. And she is now having tantrum because I was a "meanie" and made her to go and clean herself. BF is coming here later, I think I will take myself upstairs with my study materials at that point.

ah but you see his darling DDs were dry by 2 (allegedly) and the perfect angels. Only playing with 1 toy and putting it away, before getting another one out.... where's the rolling eyes smilie?

I keep telling him he exaggerates and has a selective memory. I am sure there were lots of accidents!

Marru

So I would definitely put your DH in charge of DS's toilet training and educational development (and while he is at it he could do the ironing)

Aesop

marru wrote: »

so i would definitely put your dh in charge of ds's toilet training and educational development (and while he is at it he could do the ironing) :d

:D:D:D

skips off to practise telling DH to do toilet training and educational development

Butti

Firewalker,

You need one thing, well apart from a rest, RESPECT. There is a grossly unfair division of labour in your family. Basically you do it all and why should they respect someone who just does it all.

Your offspring need to be contributing if only so they can live healthily once they leave home (Oh yes I can dream). I think have a chat with other half and agree a fairer division of labour, maybe the sanction for the eldest is the changing of the locks (or maybe I am just a bit too clinical!)

So for a starter....
1. Cleaning of his bathroom to the effect that you can't smell it in the rest of the house.
2. The cooking of a meal by each of them once a week - I'm assuming you have Delia or Jamie or something.
3. Some effort on the job front (I know this one isn't easy at all but given he's living off you and OH, he could at least get some work experience).

Yes you promised him you would look after him. You didn't promise to lie inside the front door and let him wipe his boots on you.

B

Triciaxx

Oh, dear! First of all, breathe. Then have a hug.

Then sit down with your beverage of choice, somewhere where you won’t be interrupted and read what you posted again and think it through carefully before you take any irredeemable steps. Remember that if you threaten something and don’t follow through, they are just going to roll their eyes and think “she’s off again, let’s keep our heads down.”

I do think that a 27 yr old unemployed man who doesn’t even clean his room or bathroom needs a serious lesson. How does your DH feel about it? If you can’t show a united front on that then you are on a sticky wicket.

Son number 2 sounds the same. Is LB going to end up the same if he has that example?

Don’t think you have failed in any way and that you will have to stop working with your mind and words. You are doing a grand job and it is always difficult to juggle as many balls in the air as you are doing. It sounds as if you have role fatigue. Mum, wife, cleaner, gardener, bookkeeper, researcher, writer, nurse when they are ill, colleague, cook, and friend to many. That’s 11 roles I’ve thought of straight away. Where is woman, individual? Where the person, FW?

A suggestion. Step back till you feel more coherent and then write a note to DH, explaining why you feel put upon and what you would like to change. That way you will think carefully of what you are saying and how you are saying it. Then put it away for 24 hours and read it again. If you still feel the same, give it to him to read and leave him to sort out his feelings about it. I know it sounds daft to write to him but when tempers are high, words need to be chosen carefully as they cannot be withdrawn afterwards.

DH and I have a little code for “I have something serious to say and you’re not going to like it.” Whichever of us feels like that says “I need to call a board meeting.” We both look in our diaries and find a suitable time to go out for a meal. The one calling the meeting emails the agenda to the other and we don’t discuss it till we are eating.

I reckon other diners think that the old fogies in the corner are having an affair as married couples don’t talk to one another right through dinner! It does seem to defuse most situations and ensures that things don’t fester.

Thinking of you and hoping you can sort this.

Aesop : hugs to you, too.

claudiac_2

FW - (((hugs))). Am thinking of you, and I hope you can sort this out. x

Triciaxx - I think you have said what I think but much more eloquently than I could!FW would do well to follow your advice. Love the idea of a board meeting, on a dinner date! Might try that myself, since it is so easy to avoid the serious talking when your at home.

se999

There was a lot about 'superwoman' a few years ago, and actually now people are realising it isn't possible to be perfect at everything and there are only so many hours in the day. You are trying to do so much in so many areas that at times something has to give.

I do agree a 'united front' is the way forward, so you need to agree with OH the way forward. Then come up with a consistent approach, and get the family to work as a team towards the family's objectives. We definitely had to bring our two onboard when things were tight, everyone had to muck in, but they knew it was for the benefit of all.

Sometimes children even when young adults etc still expect parents to be perfect super human beings who can do everything, part of teaching them is to tell them it isn't the case, and at some point they just have to accept we're human just like them. Admittedly the 'step' situation probably makes it a lot more difficult.

Anyway, hope you manage to talk things through, and that you get a better night this evening.

se999

Sorry, forgot a biggy There is an idea to protect children from the reality of life, but if they don't know what's going on, how do they learn. Do DS's know that you are in debt/negative wealth, and that you're doing all this for all of your futures. I know we know about it, but do they? Our's from far younger than your littlest knew when things were tight and we had to rein things in. The more information you give them the more they can act responsibly.

That goes for feelings like being hurt and upset too, they need to learn that you are a person with rights and feelings too as an individual rather than having just this mother/stepmother label, it's part of them learning to grow up.

Triciaxx

se999 wrote: »

Sorry, forgot a biggy There is an idea to protect children from the reality of life, but if they don't know what's going on, how do they learn. Do DS's know that you are in debt/negative wealth, and that you're doing all this for all of your futures. I know we know about it, but do they? Our's from far younger than your littlest knew when things were tight and we had to rein things in. The more information you give them the more they can act responsibly.

That goes for feelings like being hurt and upset too, they need to learn that you are a person with rights and feelings too as an individual rather than having just this mother/stepmother label, it's part of them learning to grow up.

I'm glad you said that se. Our responsibility as parents is to ensure that our children grow up able to cope with the realities of life and can cope without us. I'm feeling this rather keenly as a 26 yr old man in our extended family died a couple of weeks ago and it really brings home the fragility of life.

thriftyscotslass

FW, sending you much love. There is a lot of wisdom in everyone's posts. Sounds like you are burnt out my friend, this is not surprising, no-one can keep up with this sort of pressure indefinitely. As se999 said, being "superwoman" is out of fashion, women quickly learnt it was not sustainable.

Rest first my dear FW, then a plan of campaign to bring these men-folk into line is the order of the day. Thinking of you, xxx