Marriage - do I stay or do I go..?

newstart2010_2

Hi all

I'm in a position where I just don't know what to do - leave my husband or go.

My OH is a lovely, kind hearted man, but I feel that I've fallen out of love with him. A couple of things have happened over the years - nothing dramatic, no affairs or anything! - but they have led to me losing respect for him, to the point where I don't feel much at all.

We had a chat over Christmas & New Year, where I did tell him that it was over, and he clearly took this very badly, was very upset, and asked me to reconsider. I agreed to stay, on the condition that this was the last time (I'd tried to end it 2 1/2 years ago). Since then he has made a massive change, he's much more motivated, helps more round the house, makes an effort to go out as a family etc, and has said on more than one occasion how happy and alive he now feels.

I, on the other hand, don't feel any different - no lightbulb has gone on in my mind, I've not fallen back in love with him. Don't get me wrong, I'd don't dislike him, I do love and care for him, but not in the way that I should, but leaving my marriage is a HUGE deal and a decision that I don't want to take lightly, especially as we have a 12yo DD.

My reason for posting is in part to actually get this down 'on paper', so to speak, to help clarify my thinking, but also to get some thoughts by you lovely people on this forum, who I know have proved very helpful and supportive by people posting on simiilar circumstances.

Wow

Is there something else you are not telling us?

pigpen

I'd stay.

You don't keep the early passion forever and he can earn back your respect. I think you need to spend some time together getting to know one another again.. familiarity breeds contempt.. find something new you both enjoy doing and see where it takes you.

All following questions are rhetorical!!

He is obviously trying.. are you?

You say he has made changed but is it all one sided? You want him to change but maybe you need to as well.

What do you want from the relationship? What do you feel it lacks?

What you have is a mature seasoned relationship that has got uninteresting and routine.. partly because of family and work I am sure and partly because you both stopped trying and got cosy.

Shake it up.. wake it up.. and I am sure you can have a lot more years together and be happy.

concerned43

I agree with pigpen - try and make the marriage work - think of your Daughter, do you really want to turn her world upside down because you have went off her father? try counselling.

Wow

concerned43 wrote: »

I agree with pigpen - try and make the marriage work - think of your Daughter, do you really want to turn her world upside down because you have went off her father? try counselling.

Counselling will not work if she has made her mind up.

You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead.

newstart2010_2

Wow wrote: »

Is there something else you are not telling us?

I'm not sure what you're inferring - the story is as stated above...

JoW123

newstart2010 wrote: »

I'm not sure what you're inferring - the story is as stated above...

I think Wow may be infering is there someone else who is making you question whether your husband is the man for you? A similar thought occured to me when I read your post. Don't get me wrong, I'm not for one minute infering you are being unfaithful or anything like that.

As for your marriage, a good, kind man who is trying is worth fighting for. Believe me it is very difficult being on your own with children, and should only happen if you are definite it is the right decision.

swiss69

Its a tricky situation isnt it.

It happened to me but I was in the shoes of your husband.

My ex-wife felt the same as you, felt something was missing and felt that I didnt show enough love and affection etc...

When we split up, I met someone else and my ex was distraught, angry, jealous etc
Unfortunately it was too late......

My relationship ended and I then met someone else and married again.

My ex has remarried too but I think if the clock could be turned back she would have maybe done things differently.

How would you feel in that position? When your daughter is going on shopping trips with her new stepmum. When you hear stories of how happy he is...When he has another child???

If you can honsestly say that it wouldnt bother you then i would say end it now and find someone who you will be happy with.

jackomdj

newstart2010 wrote: »

Hi all

I'm in a position where I just don't know what to do - leave my husband or go.

I think your post says what you really want....leave or go???

When I split from my ex (for good reasons....he had walked out & come back, he also had alcohol & gambling problems) I said to myself...."do I want or deserve this for the rest of my life"?

Ask yourself the same question...it may help.

jewelly

You say it's a decision you don't want to take lightly. I would say to try relate (if it's still called that) before walking away from your marriage.

Sunshine12

I know it must be awful for you as there is nothing worse than trying to feel something you dont but do you think you have really made the same effort as he seems to be making? If not then you should set yourself a timescale to really made an effort like he is doing (as difficult as it may be). Try organising things together and start "dating" again and you might feel differently. I think you sound like you have already given up but I think you would probably feel happier walking away if you knew that you had given it one last shot and really attempted to make an effort. I dont think couples should staying together just for the sake of the children TBH so would say that if you really try your hardest to have fun with him and do family things to try and get the spark back and still dont feel "it" then I would be inclined to walk away. Hope you work things out.