Marriage - do I stay or do I go..?

Errata

I don't want to suggest anyone hangs onto a nice guy, regardless, but I do think that women need to understand what leaving a marriage can mean for many of them.
There are nice blokes around, but the pool gets smaller and smaller as time goes by. It's important to realise that the nice blokes that are left may not be attracted to a woman who may be looking for one.

onedaydebtfree_2

A hard one and if you are really unhappy get out but remember your daughter at 12 this is a vital time for her.Your husband sounds like he is trying to make things better so would staying till your daughter is 16 and able to understand what you are doing be such a bad thing.
If you a really unhappy then you should get out but who will look after your daughter and who will she want to live with. How will your daughter feel it is not just you and your husband.

Good luck to you what ever you decide.

galvanizersbaby

Errata wrote: »

I don't want to suggest anyone hangs onto a nice guy, regardless, but I do think that women need to understand what leaving a marriage can mean for many of them.
There are nice blokes around, but the pool gets smaller and smaller as time goes by. It's important to realise that the nice blokes that are left may not be attracted to a woman who may be looking for one.

I think the same could be said in the reverse too Errata
There are nice women around but the pool gets smaller as time goes by and the women that are left may not be attracted to a man that may be looking for one.

Minxy_Bella

I rather think that the OP's getting a bit of a hard time from a lot of these replies and I, for one, do have sympathy for her situation.

I wonder if the crux of the matter is the couple of instances that made her lose respect for him over the years - I don't know what they were but I know that sometimes a tiny, trivial thing can suddenly make you see your partner in a different light and maybe you can't ever feel the same way about them again. Especially if they then go onto spending 3/4 weekends away, playing under the guise of making money (?), not helping around the house and (let's be honest) not being fit enough to sweep the OP off her feet in the bedroom.

I would imagine that she almost feels like his mum in some respects?

Yes, nice men are few and far between once we get to a certain age but everything's relative and if the one you're with doesn't engender any positive feelings within you, then maybe it's time to call it a day. And what defines 'nice' anyway? Is he thoughtful and considerate and generous or does he do all of the housework and make you laugh or is it the fact that he just doesn't sleep around or knock seven bells out of you? It depends on your own belief system and environment, IMO.

I think it's harsh to bring the daughter into the OP's decision, tbh. I would imagine that if the OP was completely disregarding her daughter's feelings she would have left (2 1/2) years ago but I don't believe that a mother should totally sacrifice her own feelings and emotions as a wife in favour of keeping the status quo. She owes it to herself as a woman to be true to what she wants out of life as well. Her daughter will upsticks and be off to make her own way in the world in a few years. That could feel like a prison sentence.

OP - in your shoes, I would consider what my life would be like with my daughter on our own. Don't even think about having another relationship - if that happens further on up the road, then great but that's not what leaving this one is about.

If you think you're going to be happier (and dare I say, relieved?) on your own, then that's your answer.


Good luck with whatever you decide.

xxx

newstart2010_2

Minxy_Bella wrote: »

I wonder if the crux of the matter is the couple of instances that made her lose respect for him over the years - I don't know what they were but I know that sometimes a tiny, trivial thing can suddenly make you see your partner in a different light and maybe you can't ever feel the same way about them again. Especially if they then go onto spending 3/4 weekends away, playing under the guise of making money (?), not helping around the house and (let's be honest) not being fit enough to sweep the OP off her feet in the bedroom.

I would imagine that she almost feels like his mum in some respects?

Minxy Bella - you've absolutely hit the nail on the head. It isn't necessarily the weight issue, just a series of things that have happened over the years - and yes, up until recently, I very much felt like I had 2 children, not 1, although that has changed.

newstart2010_2

pelirocco wrote: »

Remember if you left you would still have the same life , just a different location

This is one of the main reasons why I feel in such a quandry - what if I put all of us through a split, then find a year down the line I feel exactly the same?

carefullycautious

You sound as if you need something to look forward too. Do you have weekends away together sightseeing/mutual adventures etc.

Maybe break out of the mundane and try to see each other as individual people.

I think being friends scores way above anything else.

Do you actually like this man?or is he just a comfort blanket.

You do sound as if you dont have as much going on in your life as he has maybe nows the time to do things for you and when you get back together you will have things to talk about.

Minxy_Bella

newstart2010 wrote: »

Minxy Bella - you've absolutely hit the nail on the head. It isn't necessarily the weight issue, just a series of things that have happened over the years - and yes, up until recently, I very much felt like I had 2 children, not 1, although that has changed.

I've been there and got the t-shirt, hun.:( Once that respect has gone, it's really hard to get it back and that certainly can't happen overnight.

Maybe the real question is:- Can you forgive him?

He can be the most wonderful OH in the world from this moment on and you can try to meet him half way until you're blue in the face. But if your heart, deep down in your soul, just cannot forgive him for whatever he did to lose your respect in the first place, then it's not fair on you to be expected to live the rest of your life with a man who is not who you thought he was.

xxx

Kay_Peel

Your man sounds incredibly selfish. Goodness only knows what he was like before you gave him a kick up the wotsit and threatened to leave him a couple of years ago.

He has a less stressful job than yours and works less hours. Nevertheless, he goes off most weekends to indulge his hobby - how nice for him!

The most telling information is about his attitude to sex, where he expects you to do all the work - he doesn't do any 'giving' and he gives little thought to satisfying your needs, just his own. I can understand why you find him a big turn-off - it's hardly making love, is it?

He may have mended some of his selfish ways but it sounds like he's still got a long way to go.

I think I'd move into a spare room and start thinking of myself as 'separated' and independent of him.

The next thing I'd do would be to work on gaining more leisure time. This might mean that hubby will have to give up at least one of his weekends, so that I could go out. I'd make plans to get away from it all - go away with my daughter somewhere, taste a new hobby, join a walking group, meet friends for lunch and go the cinema or the theatre - whatever, it doesn't matter. It doesn't sound like you have much of a life beyond work and home and it's a shame that you haven't got more time to exercise other parts of your character, interests, intellect and personality.

You can make these small steps NOW, without having to leave him immediately. Start thinking of yourself as a free, independent woman with a child who comes first and who does not have to answer to or look after anyone else.

Your husband can take care of himself - he's used to putting himself first and he has a lot more time to do it in.

Good luck with it! :beer:

janiM

swiss69 wrote: »

Its a tricky situation isnt it.

It happened to me but I was in the shoes of your husband.

My ex-wife felt the same as you, felt something was missing and felt that I didnt show enough love and affection etc...

When we split up, I met someone else and my ex was distraught, angry, jealous etc
Unfortunately it was too late......

My relationship ended and I then met someone else and married again.

My ex has remarried too but I think if the clock could be turned back she would have maybe done things differently.

How would you feel in that position? When your daughter is going on shopping trips with her new stepmum. When you hear stories of how happy he is...When he has another child???

If you can honsestly say that it wouldnt bother you then i would say end it now and find someone who you will be happy with.

Absolutely agree with your point.
Yes, try to make things workout and try to look at things differently, but listen to your heart too