Marriage - do I stay or do I go..?

Lotus-eater

newstart2010 wrote: »

We also scheduled in time for sex, as it was very sporadic before, but to be honest I'm beginning to dread it, and I feel terrible for feeling that way. Part of the resentment issue is that he is rather rotund man, and therefore not able to participate much, if you see what I mean, therefore leaving all the 'work' to me. Years of that has left me feeling very dissatisfied.

You don't fancy him.

I think I would want to be told the truth, have you told him that? Tell him exactly what you have written here and the rest, all the bits you don't really write on a forum.

He may cry, or shout, but be crushed one way or another, but you've got to give him the truth and give him a chance to change. He may lose his mojo, that special thing that men need to have sex, it's a sort of confidence and you may need to help him get that back again.

You just may need to do something different in bed together, something out of the ordinary, let your imagination run wild, you can ask me in a pm if you want any help with that my OH says I have enough ideas to last a wife 10 lifetimes.

pelirocco

newstart2010 wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies, I very much appreciate it.

A general observation seems to be that he has made great efforts to change (which he has), but I don't seem to have done - and there is some truth in that. For the first few weeks, we were both making huge efforts, going out on dates etc, but that has subsided a bit.

We also scheduled in time for sex, as it was very sporadic before, but to be honest I'm beginning to dread it, and I feel terrible for feeling that way. Part of the resentment issue is that he is rather rotund man, and therefore not able to participate much, if you see what I mean, therefore leaving all the 'work' to me. Years of that has left me feeling very dissatisfied.

Another point to make is that I am generally quite unhappy - but am I unhappy because of my marriage, or is my unhappiness affecting my marriage? My job has become very stressful over the last 6 months or so, I have no hobbies as by the time I get home I'm so tired I just put my PJs on, and I'm in bed by 930-10pm.

He, on the other hand, has a cushy job which gets him home anytime between 2-4pm and goes away on average 3 weekends our of 4 to indulge his hobby (which also has a money making aspect) - to be frank, I'm jealous of his life, and wish mine was like it, but it isn't, and isn't likely to be.

I should add that I haven't actually left him before - I threatened to 2 1/2 years ago, but agreed to try again, and quite some time things were okay.

Thanks again for your comments, I look forward to hearing more.

What if your life would improve if you left him? You would still be in the same job , working the same hours .............. Dop you resent him going away weekends? , why dont you go with him , do you have anything that you do for just yourself ?

Remember if you left you would still have the same life , just a different location

Primrose

I know this is difficult for you, but you say your husband is lovely and kind hearted, so do you want to blow your daughter's life into a thousand little smithereens because you feel you are no longer in love with your husband? Whose needs come first, yours or hers? . He doesn't cheat, seems to work hard and keep busy you're not in debt and he has apparently made a massive effort to try and meet your new expectations of him.
It sounds to me as if part of your loss of respect for him is that he has grown fat, and you find this repulsive. If that is the case, then there's some need for honesty here and he does need to do something about that. But both partners change over the course of a long marriage. Maybe you have just become disillusioned with the daily routine, which happens for all of us, but it's a reality we have to come to terms with and try to find ways of adapting to it without letting routine rule us.
Possibly you started out with unrealistic expectations of what a really long term relationship would be like. You say you envy him his life and hobbies. Have you seriously discussed with him how all these week-end absences are affecting you and your marriage?
I think we need to try and make ourselves responsible for our own happiness to a certain extent, and that may mean making an effort to try and forge some kind of separate life for yourself when you can have a hobby or interest of your own which will keep you engaged and content. Are there no local social or other organisations you can join, even if it's only attending one evening a month?
Looking on the positive side, you do have a lot to be thankful for. If you keep telling yourself you are unhappy, you will be. Try to have a week of only thinking positive thoughts about your marriage and see if it changes your perspective.

Errata

Stay or go ?

Stay if you want things to change because nothing remains the same - ever.

Go if you want to deprive your daughter of a full time dad, never meet a bloke who fancies you or whom you fancy, be lonely, poorer, have nobody in your life who is kindheated, and have no sex life whatsoever.

JoW123

Errata wrote: »

Stay or go ?

Stay if you want things to change because nothing remains the same - ever.

Go if you want to deprive your daughter of a full time dad, never meet a bloke who fancies you or whom you fancy, be lonely, poorer, have nobody in your life who is kindheated, and have no sex life whatsoever.

I wouldn't have put it quite this bluntly but Errata is right. My ex and I split up 6 months ago, only he wasn't kind and he didn't make any effort. He had a gambling problem and I could write a book about the lies he told. There was no hope for us as he wasn't willing to change and indeed he hasn't. I'm better off without him but would you like to know what life is like now?

I'm a full-time single mum of DS7 and DD5, apart from 6 hours on a Sunday where they see my ex. I get them up and put them to bed every day. I work 3 days a week in a demanding job. No-one cooks, cleans, irons, shops, makes me a cup of tea in bed, looks after me when I am ill, or gives me a hug when I've had a bad day. I'm more tired than I've ever been in my life. My daughter sat and sobbed last night 'cos we aren't a family any more, and do you know what, no matter what I ever do in life I will never be able to give her that back.

I may never meet anyone else. My only consolation is that at least I had given him every chance to make things right. You have the opportunity to make things better. Talk to him kindly about your sex life, and be honest. Intimacy will bring some spark back, and when you've done that you may be able to decide whether this marriage is worth saving.

I know all this sounds harsh but people often leave thinking someone better will come along, not thinking that its possible that they never will.

laurel7172

I don't know what to say to you, really. Feeling that you're having to settle, or give up on the chance of "real" happiness isn't fun. But it's not a picnic being single. I divorced an abusive, adulterous alcoholic, and I'm definitely happier without him, but there are very few actual nice guys out there. Most women who have one have the sense to hang on to him. I've heard it said that long term love is a decision, an act of will...have you really considered how lucky you are?

neneromanova

I know it's off topic but this just reminds me of this song : Should I stay or Should I go - The Clash

Back on the subject, No one should change in a relationship. You should love the one you're with or leave them. But how will you feel if he gets with someone else and is happy with her while you stay alone for say the next 10 years? The grass is never greener on the other side. Many of my ex's found that out but that was their tough luck.

ninky_2

newstart2010 wrote: »

Part of the resentment issue is that he is rather rotund man, and therefore not able to participate much, if you see what I mean, therefore leaving all the 'work' to me. Years of that has left me feeling very dissatisfied.

has he always been like that or has it crept on over the year? maybe you need to encourage a bit of physical activity and a diet overhaul.

galvanizersbaby

laurel7172 wrote: »

I don't know what to say to you, really. Feeling that you're having to settle, or give up on the chance of "real" happiness isn't fun. But it's not a picnic being single. I divorced an abusive, adulterous alcoholic, and I'm definitely happier without him, but there are very few actual nice guys out there. Most women who have one have the sense to hang on to him. I've heard it said that long term love is a decision, an act of will...have you really considered how lucky you are?[/QUOTE]

Sorry don't mean to pick on your comment in particular but there are a lot like it on this thread.
I find the whole hang on to the nice guy regardless of whether you are actually happy or not thing a bit odd really.

I divorced a nice guy (on paper) and am happier without him (admittedly not quite as nice as OP's husband sounds and there were many other issues) but upshot was I didn't fancy him anymore - could never fancy him again (infact he made my flesh crawl)
I didn't take my decision likely and similar to the OP I spent a long time trying to make things work but at the end of the day we all deserve to be happy

He is now content with someone else and so am I - we are happy and our children are also happy.

I know things don't always turn out this way but if I had stayed our lives could have been very different and I don't mean in a good way.

OP - only you know in your heart whether you are able to make your marriage work - I wish you luck whatever happens

tanith

Imagine your life without him in it and see how that feels .. you will answer your own question then you have to let go or get on with it...