Marriage - do I stay or do I go..?

Wow

Errata wrote: »

I don't want to suggest anyone hangs onto a nice guy, regardless, but I do think that women need to understand what leaving a marriage can mean for many of them.
There are nice blokes around, but the pool gets smaller and smaller as time goes by. It's important to realise that the nice blokes that are left may not be attracted to a woman who may be looking for one.

Agree, there are a lot of selfish people out there who think only of themselves.

If people who had kids thought more about the effect it would have on their kids if Mummy and Daddy split up, the world would be a better place. I think some people should work harder at their marriages instead of throwing the towel in at the first little obstacle and they should also realise that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Lotus-eater

I think the problem is, that the OP obviously doesn't just want a "nice" guy.

She wants someone who will make her feel alive and treat her the way she wants to be treated.

I really think that the OP is the sort of person that will never be happy with someone until she is happy with herself. But I don't know that, I'm just reading between the lines.

It may well be that the grass is greener, or that she hasn't ever really been happy in this relationship, or a mid life worry time, life is passing by and there are things she wants to do that she can't with her OH.

The problem is that resentment is building up and that's never a good idea. I would suggest she goes and does something on her own, go hand gliding or bungie jumping, start to enjoy herself without her OH for the moment and just see how she feels.

foxy-roxy

I don't think you should stay just because 'nice guys are hard to by' being happy in life does not revolve around being with a man.
If you are uhappy your daughter will know this, if leaving will make you happy then leave.

You only get one shot at life, don't waste it.

My parents divorced when i was your daughters age, and my dad is the most loveliest man in the world but i understood my mum needed to do what would make her happy. ultimately it didn't but at least she knows.

pelirocco

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I think the problem is, that the OP obviously doesn't just want a "nice" guy.

She wants someone who will make her feel alive and treat her the way she wants to be treated.

I really think that the OP is the sort of person that will never be happy with someone until she is happy with herself. But I don't know that, I'm just reading between the lines.

It may well be that the grass is greener, or that she hasn't ever really been happy in this relationship, or a mid life worry time, life is passing by and there are things she wants to do that she can't with her OH.

The problem is that resentment is building up and that's never a good idea. I would suggest she goes and does something on her own, go hand gliding or bungie jumping, start to enjoy herself without her OH for the moment and just see how she feels.

Thats very true , we cannot expect other people to make us happy

katieclampet

Kay_Peel wrote: »

Your man sounds incredibly selfish. Goodness only knows what he was like before you gave him a kick up the wotsit and threatened to leave him a couple of years ago.

He has a less stressful job than yours and works less hours. Nevertheless, he goes off most weekends to indulge his hobby - how nice for him!

The most telling information is about his attitude to sex, where he expects you to do all the work - he doesn't do any 'giving' and he gives little thought to satisfying your needs, just his own. I can understand why you find him a big turn-off - it's hardly making love, is it?

He may have mended some of his selfish ways but it sounds like he's still got a long way to go.

I think I'd move into a spare room and start thinking of myself as 'separated' and independent of him.

The next thing I'd do would be to work on gaining more leisure time. This might mean that hubby will have to give up at least one of his weekends, so that I could go out. I'd make plans to get away from it all - go away with my daughter somewhere, taste a new hobby, join a walking group, meet friends for lunch and go the cinema or the theatre - whatever, it doesn't matter. It doesn't sound like you have much of a life beyond work and home and it's a shame that you haven't got more time to exercise other parts of your character, interests, intellect and personality.

You can make these small steps NOW, without having to leave him immediately. Start thinking of yourself as a free, independent woman with a child who comes first and who does not have to answer to or look after anyone else.

Your husband can take care of himself - he's used to putting himself first and he has a lot more time to do it in.

Good luck with it! :beer:

I certainly agree with this. Make changes that will make YOU happy, find a hobby, make new friends, go on holiday, change your job, start going out somewhere. Once you start to feel happier with your life it might make it easier to make a decision about youy relationship with your husband.

katiex

newstart2010_2

Many thanks to all those who have responded - you have all given me much food for thought, and I really appreciate the different views that you've put forward - none of my friends would say half of what's been said on here, and that's exactly the reason I chose to post.

I've come to realise that although I still have some lingering resentment for my OH, I haven't been trying as much as he has, so its not surprising really that I'm not feeling any different, as I haven't been as committed to this as he has. This isn't really fair, not on me, nor him, and I don't feel that if I threw the towel in now, I could honestly say that I gave it my best shot - and that's not ok.

And Lotus Eater - you're absolutely right - I need to make myself happy, not wait for him, or a divorce, to make me happy - and that starts now. I had a quite emotional chat with my OH on the phone today, where I told him that I was so unhappy, and he immediately started saying all the right things - I know that I have his support, 100%, so its down to me to make it happen - and yes, I do realise that I'm very lucky to have him (the new improved version, that is!)

I've been thinking today about how I can make changes to my work / life balance, so that I can fit in some exercise time, now I just need to find a hobby that's of interest - I have no idea!

I also need to broach the sex issue (I should add that although he's not always been able to be more 'athletic' he does make sure that I'm taken care of, IYSWIM!!) However, there is definitely room for improvement!

Many, many thanks again for the time you've each spent responding to my thread.

jewelly

I'm so glad to hear you are going to persevere. It's all too easy to give up and believe the grass is greener elsewhere.

I hope it works out for you. Good luck.

Errata

newstart - it's always encouraging when responses to an OP have helped someone to think things through and consider many different viewpoints, so thanks for the update.

It can sometimes be hard to find a hobby which fits temperment, character and available time. There is one project that you could consider - getting your OH onto a healthy lifestyle so he loses some weight and becomes a bit more athletic (and perehaps a bit more creative), and sorts out his work/life/interests balance.

Good luck, maybe you've both been stuck in a bit of a rut and it will take a bit of climbing from both of you to get out of it.

JennyR68

What is his hobby? is there no way you could get involved with it so you are spending time together at the weekend? As the old saying goes 'families that play together stay together'.

Regarding your unhappiness, work stress, I would say that is no time to be making a relationship decision. I myself remember at one point, ( bit of post natal depression I think looking back in hindsight) lying in bed thinking 'what am I doing here?' everything he did was wrong (in my head) Fortunately for me walking was not an option, but it scares me looking back how I could have wrecked my life if it had been. Now I'm married for 23 to years to the most amazing guy I know, still makes my heart miss a beat when he enters the room. You need to make time to be a 'couple' one day your daughter will fly the nest and you'll be on your own together. At that stage you want to be a team, not 2 independant people with nothing in common.

Can't afford a few days away together? get your daughter to have a sleepover somewhere and have a 'lock in,' the guy you fell in love with is in there somewhere underneath all the rubbish the daily grind of life piles on us. Take proper time out to find him again.

Think of it like a fire, all you need is one little glowing ember and a bit of patience to fan it and feed it and you can get a real blaze going.

Hang on in there.

Love never fails.

newstart2010_2

Hello all

I thought I'd drop by to give you a mini update...!

Things are better than I could have hoped! We talked more when he returned from his hobby last weekend, and he reaffirmed his commitment to supporting me get happy again. So this week, I've been going in to work later - taking some exercise, or doing a job round the house that's been outstanding for soooo long! - and I'm feeling much more positive.

Things have also developed rather dramatically in the bedroom department (ahem!) - I won't go into too much detail, but things are definitely looking up !!

I've told a couple of people that I posted on an internet forum - and have had some mixed responses - but I have to say its the best thing I could have done - thank you so much for your opinions! :beer: