On Local Rent Allowance - can't afford house and can't afford to move!! HELP PLEASE!

Jowo_2

There are other organisations, too, in this field.

http://refuge.org.uk/


http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/domestic_violence


http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

starbella2004

Thank you again Jowo. I've just spoken to Womens Aid. I think she knew my ex!! No, only joking. He's clearly the profile of an abuser and is continuing to do so through my children and finances despite us having split two years ago! She's given me the number of a local womens aid organisation which isn't open over the weekend, so I'll call them tomorrow. Thank you for all your support. I'm not sure I feel any better as such at the moment but I guess I'm heading in the right direction so thank you.

And Happy Mothers day to any mummy's on here!! Hope you all have a lovely day.

savvy

starbella2004 wrote: »

I'm so sorry I haven't actually acknowledged Savvy who said she's having a pretty *&^^% time at the moment. I'm so sorry to hear that. You've clearly been fighting for years to sort things out. Does sound like you're in a slightly better place right now as you're helping your friend as well, so I'm pleased about that. I hope I've got that right???

Oh good heavens no you don't have to acknowledge my situation, this is your thread about you - I didn't mean to hijack, just highlight from my experiences

starbella2004 wrote: »

Thank you again Jowo. I've just spoken to Womens Aid. I think she knew my ex!!

Well tbh I thought you were actually talking about an ex of mine, all that with the car and the way he acts and the abuse, it all sounds extremely familiar (not the one I'm seeing a solicitor about, that's another!), so guess there is a profile, just wish they'd publicise it a LOT more so we can learn to easily avoid the toerags!!!!! :mad:

starbella2004

Gosh Savvy - I really didn't think you were hijacking at all. And I think you're absolutely right - my ex has done all this before to a greater or lesser degree (depending on how long each relationship lasted!) and I've no doubt in my mind that he'll go on to do it again to another poor unsuspecting woman. I think people like him and your ex should have a tattoo on their forehead saying 'beware' or something like that! There's that public notice advert on TV about domestic abuse at the moment which I can barely watch but you're right, that kind of information exchange should be much more prolific than it is. People just don't want to admit to friends and family that it's happening to them and I don't really know why that is - except that people like us tend to go back for more for some reason, particularly when we've had children with them. I always want to please so people like our ex's feed off people like us as I guess we're easy prey. God - apart from my two gorgeous children, I wish to God I'd never met him!!

daska

Denial - it's that river in Egypt isn't it LOL? The really scary bit is how many of us go back and do the same again...

Now's the time to take the professional advice and help that's on offer and act on it - even if it isn't easy to do.

starbella2004

daska wrote: »

Denial - it's that river in Egypt isn't it LOL? The really scary bit is how many of us go back and do the same again...

Now's the time to take the professional advice and help that's on offer and act on it - even if it isn't easy to do.

Love the joke Daska - made me laugh! I know - I tend to be attracted to men with problems!! God knows why, I think I find them fascinating or something! A counsellor years ago said she could break that for me but when I tried to get in contact with her again a year or so again she'd moved!

Your last point understood and taken on board. Thank you.

starbella2004

Just a quick update. I've spoken to Womens aid who very quickly confirmed that my ex is/was an abuser. I suppose I knew this but haven't really wanted to admit it wholeheartedly to myself as he's the father of my children! They passed me the contact number of a local womens aid group who I've just spoken to and on a practical level they can't do anything. She recommended CAB and a crisis loan. The crisis loan as afar as I understand it is for incidents like floods, fire damage etc. Whilst my situation is a crisis to me and my children, I don't suppose it'll be considered so by the crisis loan panel! I'm going to make an appointment to see someone as a local CAB this week if poss. So far I'm not actually feeling very much better as the bottom line is I'm £500 a month down through lack of maintenance, despite my ex having a nice pay off of £40,000 - and it seems I just have to live with that. What bugs me is he seems happy to let his children (who he claims to adore) potentially suffer. Life is sometimes so unfair.

Jowo_2

Sorry to hear that you have been referred back to CAB and the social fund, whose request could get rejected.

I was hoping they could help with your move to new accommodation since the financial problems that have led to the rent arrears have been part engineered by your ex and his controlling behaviour.

You need to review whether or not
-to press charges for the earlier harassment (this will no doubt enrage him but improve your position with regards to rehousing or greater protection).
-see a solicitor for advice
- make a CSA claim (despite the fact it'll make him hopping mad)
-remind him that he's still listed as a joint tenant and is jointly/severally liable for the rent (his non occupation doesn't stop his obligation to pay rent).
-find a smaller/cheaper property to move to as a 4 bed place for yourself and 2 children is not tenable on your income
-speak to the agent/landlord about the forthcoming rent arrears and the reason behind this. ask them to chase him for any future short fall.
-speak to his parents to notify them of your current issues which could lead to eviction from the property and of the recent harassment you've endured. perhaps they'll be able to loan you some money towards the new rental property or act as guarantors.
- sort out your debts, etc
- challenge the Womens Aid advice and apply for emergency/temporary housing with the local council or womens domestic abuse charity.

Lots and lots of decisions but CAB will help, as will listing all the issues and potential solutions.

At least you've now clearly recognised how your ex's devious behaviour has directly contributed to your current misery which should hopefully lessen his influence over your life from now on.

All his aggression and abuse is designed to undermine your confidence and give him an economic advantage - he gets to potter about with web design sitting on nest egg, debt free and in a lovely flat, while you have to work, look after the kids, endure debts aggravated by him and worry about homelessness.

Keep speaking to Womens Aid, Refuge and so on because the attacks will continue and could escalate when you start to push back and remind him of his legal and moral obligations and when it becomes clear to him you are no longer a push over. Put your safety first at all times - the guy sounds like a psycho and you are potentially going to burst his little control freak bubble.

Good luck, keep us posted. Be safe and strong.

daska

Fab advice from Jowo. On top of this I would keep a diary. Go back and work out as many dates as you can and keep detailed notes from now on about any abusive behaviour.

Definitely ring the letting agent / landlord and let them know that he's got the money to pay the rent.

Jowo_2

In the face of little practical support, here's some emotional support from one of my favourite people (Eleanor Roosevelt) whose quotes I love for their perception which is to do with being strong and not letting others grind you down, about recognising your own complicity in the situation which keeps you continuing to be exploited, about how you cannot control events but you can control your reaction to them.

If someone betrays you once, its their fault; if they betray you twice, its your fault.

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.