Controlled Crying

Crispy_Ambulance

I know this won't be popular, but I believe babies cry for a reason. Little babies don't even have a concept of themselves as a separate being from their mother, let alone the ability to manipulate adults. We are in danger of becoming obsessed with controlling our children, labelling babies as "good" if they don't bother us to much and worrying far too much about "ruining" them if we pick them up too much.

Gina Ford - grrrrrr!!! :mad:

Babies cry because they need something - whether it be to get to sleep or just a cuddle. Babies are not little for very long - although it might feel like it when they are tiny. Just because you cuddle your 3 month old when they are crying, does not mean you will be holding their hand on the school bus when they are 15. Our children will learn to be independent as they grow up - they will grow away from us as they are meant to do.

It just makes me sad that some new parents spend so much time trying to make their babies fit in with a routine when they should just be enjoying them whilst they are little.

loveandlight

I never used 'controlled crying' with my child either. I have a son and he is 10 now.

When my son was born he displayed some of the minor signs of Autism in as much as he absolutely hated being touched and never smiled for about the first 12 months. As a result I was never able to breast feed him or hold him long enough as he hated being touched. I knew instinctively that the only thing that would cure him was to give him lots and lots of love and attention and eventually the constant offer of love and tending to him whenever he cried he started to allow me to hold him and then slowly his hate of being touched etc went away. I believe strongly that if I had just left him to cry it out then I would not today have my loving, caring son who expresses his love easily and often gives me lots of hugs. I have never, ever, just left my son to cry.

My mother believed that if you went to them every time they cried then they would end up controlling you and that it was all part of teaching them to be independant which I personally thought was utter rubbish and still do. A child has emotional and spiritual needs that need to be fed as well as the usual needs of being fed food and water and changed etc.

If my son cries now, then I know it is because something or someone has upset him, as usually he never cries, and he has never had tantrums either. He is very independant and we are still very close.

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Has anyone come across adults who are clearly 'ruined' because someone paid attention to them every time they cried as babies?

shays_mum

I tried the controlled crying, all i got in return from both of mine is alot of puking , they just cried till they threw up dinner - then guess who had to make more food/milk to get them back to sleep.
TBH i could'nt bare to hear them cry and realistically how long before they are too big not to hug & make a fuss off......

misty

I started using controlled crying with my son when he started waking in the night - having 1 sip of milk and dozing back off . I can't remember how old he was - it was when he dropped his middle of the night feed and was on solids. I was lucky in that he didn't really cry. he would wake, wake for the bottle and then have one sip and be off again. I went in the first couple of nights and patted his back and off he went. After the first couple of nights, I would wait a cople of minutes and he would resettle himself. he's five now and started waiting at 3am again AGHHHH

cookiesncream

Not to add a spanner to a very well oiled discussion but I do think that the term 'controlled Crying' is being taken out of context in some places. It mainly involves the baby being taught to settle itself during the night, it doesn't include walking away and leaving a fully awake baby sat in the middle of the lounge crying their eyes out - now that would be cruel. Although there is a certain period before you should go to the fully awake baby but that's nothing like leaving him/her until they stop crying.

I'd also like to be informed as to where exactly Gina Ford says babies are bad if they bother us and that it would ruin them. Her methods are a clear-cut routine that help parents and children to lead an easier life. Some parents who are at their wits-end need this but others do not.

I'm all in favour of controlled crying and think that anyone should read up on Ferber just to be well informed BUT I also believe in every parent choosing that's right for them and their baby. Thanks for sharing experiences everyone, I'm really glad this thread hasn't gone into an emtional wreak of people disagreeing with each other!

cookiesncream

loveandlight wrote:

When my son was born he displayed some of the minor signs of Autism in as much as he absolutely hated being touched and never smiled for about the first 12 months. As a result I was never able to breast feed him or hold him long enough as he hated being touched. I knew instinctively that the only thing that would cure him was to give him lots and lots of love and attention and eventually the constant offer of love and tending to him whenever he cried he started to allow me to hold him and then slowly his hate of being touched etc went away.

This is a great advert for not using controlled crying. That would've been disaterous in your situation. Reading this actually brought a tear to my eye because that was such an achievement with such a small baby & special needs. I take my hat off to you, I really do :smileyhea

rainbowrisin

I've never used "controlled crying" with my littlies, as generally if they were still crying by the time i'd surfaced from a sleep deprived stupor and gone over to them then there was something wrong (wet / hungry / needed a cuddle) so they needed sorting anyway.
Also, although it may work for some people, i personally feel uncomfortable with forcing a child into a routine, especially when they're so young - we do have structure in our day here - 3 sit down meals and a pretty strict evening routine (tea, bath, stories and cuddles, bed), but even those can be flexible depending on everyone's mood.
I must admit i agree with crispyA, they are tiny for such a little time, and whilst i have heard of babies being damaged by too few cuddles and attention, i haven't heard of them being damaged by too many.
That said, i am greatly blessed with happy littlies that pretty much sleep through (unless it's hot / teething etc) and don't demand more attention than i'm able to give. It's interesting to read posts from people for whom Controlled Crying has worked, though - just shows all children are different.
TBH I've never read a "how to manage your baby" book as a matter of principle - IMHO unless the child has read the same book then they often don't play by the rules!!

inkie

Never had to use controlled crying with my 2, but for those I know that have needed to - their babies have been settled within a week.

woohoo

Hi,
I think controlled crying has its place. I used it with my daughter when I wanted her to settle herself to sleep at night on her own. Previously we had cuddled her to sleep, but there came a point when she needed to be in her own bed and we needed some peace. I must say it was very stressful, but very shortlived. It took only a couple of nights, for her to go from being in our arms in the living room until we went to bed - to being settled into her cot and dropping straight off at 7pm! Believe me, this felt like a huge achievement. With my son, we always put him to sleep in his moses basket from being born (although when tiny until about 8 weeks old, he would come in with us if need be! - i.e if he cried in the night and we couldn't settle him easily). He is the best sleeper honestly at 7 months. Loves his cot, Naps there happy as Larry in the day and bed at 6.30pm (Bless him - can't stay up any later without getting upset!), We have never had to do controlled crying with him.

And as for Gina Ford.....bless that woman! She makes perfect sense to me. I must admit you would have to be exceptionally disciplined to follow her routines to the letter. We stick to the nap times more or less ( little laddy needs more than Gina says) and feed times (lunch earlier as we can't wait until lunchtime!!!!!) but I don't know what I would have done without her book. Oh yes, and we don't kick on th playmat when Gina says either. But for sensible advice on weaning and good sleep habits for example she is great. I don't know how people go on without a routine (but I am that sort of person I suppose!). Just my opinion. Interesting topic though!!