Partner and his mother

Hectors_House

RAS wrote: »

Hi

I would suggest checking out what hospice suport is available locally. They are amazingly good at helping when there is denial on the part of the patient.

On a practical note, can OH ask the hospital if mum is competant to make decisions and then get the bank to give him a form allowing him to be a signatory on her bank account "just so I can pay the bills while you are in hospital." if she signs that, it will make life easier in the next few weeks.

Thanks for the advise RAS.

Unfortunately we think she is beyond being able to comprehend enough to make him a signatory and when she was more alert their relationship was so bad it's not something he would suggest (and something she wouldn't do despite him working really hard to get her pension reinstated when it was cancelled after her husband died).

I'm hoping her sttitude may change once she has been given the bad news about her condition and possibly these later developments may make some kind of professional mediation between them possible? Although she hates doctors and such-like she will do as they say as lojng as they look official. LOL!

ariarnia

Bananabelly wrote: »

If she is competent, she can choose to live however she wants and no one else can force her to change.

But if she's competent she should also realise that she has consequences for her choices the same as anyone else, and if she refuses the help offered she in fairness can't force her son to do it instead - surely?

Many 'little old ladies' don't accept the help that their NI conts have paid for but instead expect adult and working children with commitments and obligations (and wishes and desires) to drop everything and move in and be a live in cleaner/cook/companion. To my mind, that's just not healthy or fair.

EDIT: just finished the thread, and want to say that I'm sorry to hear about her health deteriorating like that. Maybe your partner can get some compasonate leave from work to stay at the house/be near the hospital. He's really going to need your support in the comming days so you need to make sure you spend the time to take care of the two of you so you've got the strength to deal with all you're going to have to in the next few months.

Bananabelly

ariarnia wrote: »

But if she's competent she should also realise that she has consequences for her choices the same as anyone else, and if she refuses the help offered she in fairness can't force her son to do it instead - surely?

Many 'little old ladies' don't accept the help that their NI conts have paid for but instead expect adult and working children with commitments and obligations (and wishes and desires) to drop everything and move in and be a live in cleaner/cook/companion. To my mind, that's just not healthy or fair.QUOTE]
I agree it's not fair, but you are asking someone to be nice rather than manipulative, which she is/was. That is a family dynamics and personality issue. All I was saying is that from a medical standpoint, if someone is deemed competent to make their own decisions they can do what they like. If not, change can be forced upon them. Either way, it doesn't make them nice people if they weren't before!

OP, Sorry to hear that it came to a head like that, although at least it takes some of the stress away for you. It sounds like she has lung cancer with metastases, and the accomodation you were thinking of may not be appropriate now. Like Errata said, talk to the specialist cancer nurse as that news changes everything.

ih8stress

Sorry to hear the updated news. It's good that your partner has got you to support him through this tough time and hope you are looking after yourself too.

If you are worried about telling his Mum her true condition, would it not be better to just tell her she is unwell and needs medical attention, whether it be in a hospice or home etc?

She may find it overwhelming to digest the facts fully and if she is forgetful you may have to keep repeating this to her which would be distressing for all concerned (my stepmum has dementia and we often have to explain my dad is dead now, which isn't very nice as you can imagine).

Also, she may not have dementia. A neighbour of mine had a brain tumour and his personality changed.
You definitely need to sort out her care at a hospice/home - you should be able to get the info/guidance from the hospital/mcmillan etc. Don't do it alone and don't be afraid to ask/demand help.

Thank goodness for the window cleaner, hope he got a community award.

Take care.

spaghetti_monster

Hi, just read through this thread quickly and wanted to say how sorry I am to see how things turned out.

Something quick I wanted to say (after all the rest of the good advice):
Me and OH have similar-ish problems with both our Dads and we try our best that they never go to medical appts alone. For me with my Dad this was something of a barrier and felt horrible at first like talking about somebody behind their back. But unfortunately with both of them, it's a bit like with children - you wouldn't let them go to the doctor alone.

When OH's Mum was in hospital, we absolutely had to ask doctors/nurses for all the info on what was happening as neither his Mum or Dad had a grasp on it, or would lie, or talk about irrelevant things.
This was also the case for telling information to doctors - they couldn't be trusted to tell all the relevant information (eg. they didn't think it was important to tell the doc she'd just had a bad fall!!??)

It's hard to know why - underlying conditions/dementia/fear/denial. But in the end we just had to really take over.

Hectors_House

I agree it's not fair, but you are asking someone to be nice rather than manipulative, which she is/was. That is a family dynamics and personality issue. All I was saying is that from a medical standpoint, if someone is deemed competent to make their own decisions they can do what they like. If not, change can be forced upon them. Either way, it doesn't make them nice people if they weren't before!

OP, Sorry to hear that it came to a head like that, although at least it takes some of the stress away for you. It sounds like she has lung cancer with metastases, and the accomodation you were thinking of may not be appropriate now. Like Errata said, talk to the specialist cancer nurse as that news changes everything.[/QUOTE]

My partner has finally had the chance to talk to professionals about things and they know he has been trying to get her help for the last two years but she's blocked it at every point - Age Concern, Meals-on-Wheels, Social Services etc.

We just had to wait for some major event that would see her being taken back into hospital to be honest.

The local practise nurse particularly is at fault as when we convinced her to get his mother into hospital last year we had hoped they would keep her in when she told us they were going to do some tests. What these tests were we have no idea because noone would tell him anything and we had the nurse threatening to leave his mother sitting outside if we didn't come and take her home. :mad:

And it is this same nurse who has accused him of neglect. :mad:

At least now wheels are in motion and she is being moved over to Nottingham QMC for neurological tests and then into suitable accomodation.

ariarnia

I agree it's not fair, but you are asking someone to be nice rather than manipulative, which she is/was. That is a family dynamics and personality issue. All I was saying is that from a medical standpoint, if someone is deemed competent to make their own decisions they can do what they like. If not, change can be forced upon them. Either way, it doesn't make them nice people if they weren't before!

OP, Sorry to hear that it came to a head like that, although at least it takes some of the stress away for you. It sounds like she has lung cancer with metastases, and the accomodation you were thinking of may not be appropriate now. Like Errata said, talk to the specialist cancer nurse as that news changes everything.

I understand that, I'm just saying that the son here has a right not to feel guilty for not doing everything he possibly COULD and to do what he feels he CAN if she's turned down help.

Savvy_Sue

I think when someone is ill / dying / dead, it's especially not to feel guilty when you KNOW you did your best.

And there is always the option of making a complaint about the attitude of the practice nurse. Although I'd like to have seen her leaving an old lady on a doorstep ...

Hectors_House

ariarnia wrote: »

I understand that, I'm just saying that the son here has a right not to feel guilty for not doing everything he possibly COULD and to do what he feels he CAN if she's turned down help.

It is sad though, as we've seen with Andy's Mum that the elderly person only has to keep it together long enough to answer a few questions to send the nurses/doctors etc. away with the impression that all is well and 'the old dear is just getting a little confused'.

Andy was pulled up by the local nurse for things he can have no control over such as his mother putting the electric kettle onto a gas ring or unplugging the fridge as soon as he's been over with fresh milk for her.

And he was hauled over the coals for the state of her bedroom but she would never allow him in there so he couldn't clean the bedsheets, clean any of her clothes or be in a position to find the Christmas ham that she'd stored at the back of the wardrobe.

He told anyone who would listen until he was blue in the face that his mother was doing these things yet whenever we could get anyone into the house to see her they came away telling us 'the old dear is just getting a little confused'.

If anything good comes out of this nightmare it is that folks reading this might just be able to make their own stubborn parents know that it is quite possible to slip through the net if they keep telling folks they don't want any help and that not all terminal illnesses cause enough pain to force them into hospital where it can be caught and possibly treated.

RAS

HH

I recall my mother telling the consultant and all at a case conference that she managed by cooking food from the freezer. I pointed out that when I open the freezer door, there was a sheet of pure ice the whole height of the door and nothing had been taken out for months if not years. Did they believe me? or the consultant's classic comment that at least the fridge was full (of stuff nearly a year out of date and rock solid gateauxs).

Mum got her own back on me; she started to defrost the freezer, forgot until it was buzzing and then turned it on again.

It took me four days to de-frost the putrid mess and clean the exudate off the floor.

Your OH needs to make a formal complaint in writing to the GP practice about this nurse.