Partner and his mother

Hectors_House

Hello folks

I'm hoping you wise people can give me some advise as I'm close to the end of my tether.

To start I should explain that my partner has never had a good relationship with his parents but is an only child so there is no one else to help him.

His father died about 4 years ago leaving his mother rattling around a large detached house in a country village.

His mother is in her 80s now and, as is to be expected has started to go downhill in the last year or so.

Now my partner, despite the way she treats him (verbal abuse, telling him he's always been work-shy and useless all of which isn't true) is doing what he can but she refuses to have any outside help from Age Concern, Meals on Wheels, Social Services etc.

Social Services did get involved when she collapsed in the street but even the nurse who came around daily for a week couldn't get her to take medication for a long-standing bladder infection or get her to eat.

Although she refuses any help or the suggestion that she sell up and move closer to my partner so he can get to her easily (he doesn't drive and the village isn't serviced very well by public transport) he is trying to do what he can and she's now taking to calling him saying she's dieing. She did it last night and he got friends to drive him over there to find her sat watching TV.

We've just had our first argument in a 5-year relationship and its cus I'm concerned he could get into trouble if she collapses again because he hasn't got around to filling out the paperwork SS left with him 4 weeks ago to get bath chair, panic alarm, outside railings etc sorted for her.

Any advise as to how we cope with this situation would be much appreciated.

Neither of us has dealt with anything like this before and we have no idea what to do as she just flatly refuses to let anyone help her.

tandraig

sounds to me as if she is trying to keep her independence and is too proud to recieve what she thinks is 'charity'. she is of a different generation - one who grew up without the NHS or social services, her mindset may be that she doesnt need charity but she really wants her family to help.
and if you were so concerned - why on earth has it taken you four weeks to fill out paperwork??? its his mum - and 'he hasnt got round' to filling out the paperwork???
perhaps if he pulled his finger out and went round and explained to his mum that HE was having all this done to help her - she would accept it. instead she has to phone claiming a bad turn to get a visit is what i think.

clairehi

This is going to sound harsh but if she won't eat or take medication for an infection, then she may not be around much longer to be a problem.
If your partner gets the panic alarm fitted then she can press this if she thinks she is in a life theatening situation rather than waiting for your partner. it will make life easier for him to get these things in place. can you help him with the paperwork, if not try CAB?

Hectors_House

tandraig wrote: »

sounds to me as if she is trying to keep her independence and is too proud to recieve what she thinks is 'charity'. she is of a different generation - one who grew up without the NHS or social services, her mindset may be that she doesnt need charity but she really wants her family to help.
and if you were so concerned - why on earth has it taken you four weeks to fill out paperwork??? its his mum - and 'he hasnt got round' to filling out the paperwork???
perhaps if he pulled his finger out and went round and explained to his mum that HE was having all this done to help her - she would accept it. instead she has to phone claiming a bad turn to get a visit is what i think.

Thanks tandraig for your input.

It was his not having completed and returned the paperwork that we argued about tonight.

I forgot to point out that I don't live with him (I'm in the next county) so the poor sod gets his Mum on the phone chewing him out followed by me trying to give advise and telling him to get the paperwork finished.

He's tried to tell her all that he is trying to help but she doesn't seem to take it on-board (early dementia we've been told by the nurse). He does all he can but has explained to her over and over that he can't just go over there whenever she calls as he works (she calls at odd hours when he's at work and then he gets a earful of abuse for not being there to pick up his phone ).

As I said we're trying to deal with this and we're really in the dark.

Social Services were pushing for him to move in with her which isn't possible but how much involvement can these organisations have if she refuses help?

tanith

It might be worth him having a word with his Mums GP and explain the situation if there was a diagnosis of Dementia it might mean SS could be more involved.. its not an easy situation for anyone to deal with..

Hectors_House

clairehi wrote: »

This is going to sound harsh but if she won't eat or take medication for an infection, then she may not be around much longer to be a problem.
If your partner gets the panic alarm fitted then she can press this if she thinks she is in a life theatening situation rather than waiting for your partner. it will make life easier for him to get these things in place. can you help him with the paperwork, if not try CAB?

Thanks Clairehi.

Unfortunately she was diagnosed by SS as malnurished after she collapsed and my main concern is he get that paperwork filled in and sent off.

He speaks to her most days and goes over at the weekend to make sure she has enough money and get her some shopping in so he's doing what he can.

I've giving him advise where I can about the paperwork but he's finding they need info that he doesn't have (her DOB, DOB for his father etc and she can't help him with the info either.). I've told him several times to just fill in what he can and get it back to them.

tanith

Hectors_House wrote: »

Thanks Clairehi.

Unfortunately she was diagnosed by SS as malnurished after she collapsed and my main concern is he get that paperwork filled in and sent off.

He speaks to her most days and goes over at the weekend to make sure she has enough money and get her some shopping in so he's doing what he can.

I've giving him advise where I can about the paperwork but he's finding they need info that he doesn't have (her DOB, DOB for his father etc and she can't help him with the info either.). I've told him several times to just fill in what he can and get it back to them.

Her GP surgery will have her DOB and his father if they used the same GP..

tandraig

well they cant make him move in with her!! but he really should have done the paperwork!
that said - my MIL would phone my OH most days asking for something trivial. she didnt in any way have dementia. and wasnt short of visitors or helpers. its a strange sort of dementia that allows her to phone people dont you think? usually they have short term memory loss and are stuck in past. is it dementia or grief and loneliness? tbh - I cant help feeling sorry for her. she is rattling round in a big house full of memories. her health is failing, she is trying to cling to her son, and he cant be bothered to fill in some forms to help her???
try to look on this from HER point of view. she may well be in the early stages of dementia - but that is when you need to step up a bit - and reassure her and be there for her. I dont see any of that in your posts, in fact i get the impression you think she is a nuisance, and i bet she has picked up on that.

penelopedee_2

Early dementia, thats quite a difficult situation for both the sufferer and the rest of the family. MIL very probably doesn't realise what an affect she is having on her DS's life and in normal circumstances would be mortified to do something to upset him or put him out.

I watched my Dad care for my Nan with dementia for a long time. It is very difficult for both parties and you need almost saintly patience.

One thing I learnt though was to get social services and the local GP involved completely. Please do not feel bullied to taking on more than you and OH can easily cope with as it may well be a long journey.

But, Dad did have to make a major effort to deal with the paperwork etc and it did drive Mum round the twist, so I can completely sympathise with you. Good luck and best wishes to your MIL x.

Also, my Nan was most happiest in the end in the home we sadly had to put her in. Broke Dad's heart but she found it easier to deal with strangers than family as the memory started to play more tricks.

[Deleted User]

I know from experience of this with my mum that there is nothing you can do if the 'client' refuses help.

The GP will not disucss anything due to patient confidentiality.

All you can do is try and persuade her to have a little help. It might not be all you want to her to have or all she needs - but she may be persuaded to compromise - as my mum did.

But SS cannot do anything if she refuses help (as long as she has mental capacity).

Hectors_House

tandraig wrote: »

well they cant make him move in with her!! but he really should have done the paperwork!
that said - my MIL would phone my OH most days asking for something trivial. she didnt in any way have dementia. and wasnt short of visitors or helpers. its a strange sort of dementia that allows her to phone people dont you think? usually they have short term memory loss and are stuck in past. is it dementia or grief and loneliness? tbh - I cant help feeling sorry for her. she is rattling round in a big house full of memories. her health is failing, she is trying to cling to her son, and he cant be bothered to fill in some forms to help her???
try to look on this from HER point of view. she may well be in the early stages of dementia - but that is when you need to step up a bit - and reassure her and be there for her. I dont see any of that in your posts, in fact i get the impression you think she is a nuisance, and i bet she has picked up on that.

Thanks again for your input.

I can only say it as I see it and I'm sorry you think I see this poor woman as some kind of inconvenience. I can only tell you that isn't the case - we have, after all had our first argument tonight as I'm trying to get him to see the importance of doing whatever SS need to enable them to work with her - even if it isn't what she would want.

She hated her husband. Maybe she misses him? I don't know.

Anything my partner suggests/advises is rejected outright as he is useless, stupid etc yet he keeps trying.

I actually quite like her, even though I don't see her often due to her being so isolated and I have found she will listen when I try to give her advise. She also listens to another (female) friend of his so between us we're trying to suggest the things that my partner has already tried in the hopes of getting through to her.