Partner and his mother

laurenjs88

Hey,
As others have said you really need to get a doctor to see her and work out whether she is of "sound" mind, As long as the docs are saying she is. There is virtually nothing SS can do if she continues to refuse help.

I deal with this everyday at work! (well I did i'm now on mat leave)

If it looks like early onset of dementia then your OH & SS can as horrible as it sounds start to go above her head & get her help even if she continues to refuse... My main concern for your OH's sanity and for his mum would be definatly getting a community alarm fitted in the property!

It would also be a good idea if SS can get in there to get some home care put in, you OH's mother doesnt need to have meals on wheels, the carers are normally sent in for 15min lunch calls in which they either heat up a micro meal, or make a sandwich, a cup of tea & a chat for a few mins.

Also the benefit of having a care agency in is we noramlly get the calls at 2am telling us they are dying, someone is trying to break in, they need the toilet, the carer hasnt turned up for breakfast yet etc.. & we have protocols to deal with those swiftly & leaving you with a peaceful nights sleep!

clairehi

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

If she chooses to ...

-Yes - but if she phones OPs OH saying I'm dying, he can then say "Mum, I can't drive so you must push the panic button to get help."

At least it would give him the reassurance that she can get help if she genuinely is in a crisis situation. She may not want/be able to use the panic button but this is as yet untried, why dismiss it before theyve given it a go?

Savvy_Sue

clairehi wrote: »

-Yes - but if she phones OPs OH saying I'm dying, he can then say "Mum, I can't drive so you must push the panic button to get help."

At least it would give him the reassurance that she can get help if she genuinely is in a crisis situation. She may not want/be able to use the panic button but this is as yet untried, why dismiss it before theyve given it a go?

Oh I wasn't dismissing it completely. But if it's anything like the system my mother has, she had to nominate two people who will be contacted in an emergency, they're supposed to live within 10 miles, although of course they do have systems for if no-one lives close enough.

Fortunately my mum hasn't pressed her panic button yet, because even if she's in the right room for the intercom link, she won't be able to hear a word they say to her, or even if they have picked up her call. So if they get a call and can't get a coherent response, their first act will be to phone her back (and even if she hears the phone ringing she won't be able to hear a word they say) so they will then phone her two contacts and send them round.

I can feel her getting fixed in her ways. She's been offered things to help with knowing that the phone is ringing, but she doesn't like them. And I've suggested someone going in to make phone calls with her, but she'd rather email me and get me to make phone calls from 50+ miles away.

She's piling the guilt on one of my siblings because they're not going to see her on her birthday, and she's told people that all of her children were coming. The rest of us said we would come, this one never did, because they couldn't, but she decided we were all coming and is now 'very disappointed'. Deal with it, dear ....

Hectors_House

Well, sadly we have had to wait until something happened to get anyone involved and things came to a head last week when a local windowcleaner found two men (gypsies I believe) in her house trying to get her to sign blank cheques for work they claimed to have done to her house.

The police were called (these men were known to them as they have been targeting another elderly person a couple of streets away) and social services are now involved.

We have tried to get her doctor involved but they have been of no help and when we got her into hospital recently (supposedly for some checks) she was dicharged and we were told there is nothing wrong with her. :mad:

She's now back in hospital and has been diagnosed with a brain tumour and lung cancer - both too far advanced for treatment.

And the authorities have finally started listening to my partner now they've seen her doctor's notes and spoken to them and realise that she has refused any help for many years. They've now realised that not only us but several neighbours have been doing what we can for her on a daily basis but she has been denying this and making my partner out to be neglecting her and the neighbours to be useless.

We find out today how long she has left and we really don't know what to do about telling her to be honest.

We'd love for her to not know and just go in her sleep but we know this isn't guarenteed.

I know this isn't money-saving but any advise on where we go from here would be appreciated.

I think it would be best to try and convince her to go into specialist care accomodation but I don't know where we start because she just won't listen.

The hospital themselves cannot believe she has not shown any signs of pain or physical incapacity so far. I think they managed to get some liquid morphine into her last night by telling her it was a vitamin drink.

mrbrightside842

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Who on earth doesn't know their parents' date of birth?

My DH doesn't know his parents offhand. He'd be able to find out their birthday by checking his diary, but dones't know them. As for year of birth, we could probabloy work out his dad's (or ask him), but his mum lies about her age and wouldn't tell us her year of birth, so I've no idea when that would be.

Edit - op I've only just read your update. I'm sorry things are tough. How awful for those people to be praying on the elderly, thank goodness the window cleaner called. I hope they are stopped from doing it to any other people.

Errata

HTH

We find out today how long she has left and we really don't know what to do about telling her to be honest

The specialist cancer nurse will be able to talk you through the best way to handle this. DEMAND to speak to them as a matter of extreme urgency before you attempt to have any in depth discussion with the lady. Just now, she may be content with ' you're not too good at the moment which is why you're in hospital'.
Ask the consultant about accommodation for her should she be discharged from hospital. Hospice or care home able to give palliative care are two options. There are no others and given the lady's lack of awareness it sounds like she's not competent to make any sensible decision about what she will need.
DO NOT let the hospital discharge her until the above has been sorted out.

These are just suggestions, and HTH.

Thank goodness for window cleaners !

Lucy_Lastic

I have found this website to be helpful:

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/index.php

My mother has dementia, will not accept any help and I am an only child, so I know how difficult it is.

In her present state of health she certainly needs all the help she can get.

Hectors_House

Lucy_Lastic wrote: »

I have found this website to be helpful:

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/index.php

My mother has dementia, will not accept any help and I am an only child, so I know how difficult it is.

In her present state of health she certainly needs all the help she can get.

Thanks Lucy Lastic (love your username BTW!)

Unfortunately my partner's Mum has always been a bit difficult so the descent into dementia was difficult to spot amongst her usual behaviour towards him.

We both feel better now with the specialists finally believing us about her not being well and unable to take care of herself but it's been a great shock to find out just how poorly she is. But, thankfully she's not been in any pain (apart from a sprained ankle) so far so we're hoping now we'll get the support we all need and can make her comfortable for the time she has left.

I hope you too are getting the support you need and sad as your Mum's condition is to see at least (I hope) you have many loving memories to look back on at the times when her behaviour is being especially challanging.

julie03

sorry to hear your sad news. my nan died from a brain tumour this year and mcmillan were fantastic and arranged all her care, they are extremely helpful and if she is told will help with this.

my nan also showed no symptoms until she had a fall, she used to tell me her friends mind was going but we now know it was my nans and i imagine this could be why they thought your partners mum had dementia, even tho my nan was told alot of the time she was asleep or not aware.

RAS

Hi

I would suggest checking out what hospice suport is available locally. They are amazingly good at helping when there is denial on the part of the patient.

On a practical note, can OH ask the hospital if mum is competant to make decisions and then get the bank to give him a form allowing him to be a signatory on her bank account "just so I can pay the bills while you are in hospital." if she signs that, it will make life easier in the next few weeks.