Cant afford my wife anymore

irishmist_2

Hi there,
Huge well done for posting and taking the first steps in seeing where you are - it is frightening - pretty much everyone here knows how sickening it feels. And we are all here having survived that moment.
I can understand how easy it is to get caught up in keeping up with the jones's as yenool describes and it will be a big lifestyle shift to change that, but you have no option at this point - as I understand it this month you only have enough money for the mortgage and not for food, so things are at crises point now.
There are loads of ideas already on this thread for making savings and increasing income, but you need to decide together which your path forwards is in your lives at this time.
Both of you arrived at this point as a couple by living the (lovely sounding!) lifestyle you have, so it's not about blame but about what do we do to fix it.
I wish you all the very very best and keep posting, hopefully with your wife (although you may want to change the thread title!).

pepe2008

Just read the first and last pages.
Dont try and shoulder all the responsibilty, you need to share this problem. Its not your Wife, you cant afford...its you.
Harsh sounding I know, but I was in much the same situation until she 'accidentally' discovered the Credit Card statements...£64K!
You both work hard with jobs and Family and reward yourselves...she doesn't know any better and you are happy to provide those rewards.

Its reached the time when you MUST talk it out....believe me, if she finds out while at the checkout at Tesco it'll be a whole lot worse.

Good luck with sorting it out.....contact one of Charities like CCCS etc, dont PAY for any advice and NO Secured loans. Nobody ever borrowed their way out of trouble.

WASHER

Welcome to MSE and reality. I don't think your wife on herr own is to blame for your financial situation, you could have said NO to the new house purchase.

You have to act now, because tomorrow could be too late.

You have huge debts and a huge mortgage and a reasonable income. As regards to the mortgage you are actually only paying the interest off, which is a short term solution to your financial situation, you are never going to own the house at this rate, and thats one of a high rental property you live in, cause thats what you are doing, renting it from the mortgage company as you are not paying any capital off.

You have to tell your wife today (before she goes spending anymore), she needs to give up a large part of her lifestyle if you are going to come out of the other side, no beauty treatments, reduce the hairdressers bill, and clothing expense, you and she cannot live a footballers/WAG lifestyle on a groundsman salary. You are both living a fantasy with the house and the lifestyle. Its got to stop NOW.

I would suggest you speak to the CCCS (a debt charity) or at least look at the website, it has a wealth of info on there.

WASHER.x.

debtdesperado

Maybe the way to put it to your wife when you discuss it is that either you both cut down on luxuries (and agree that you will both cut out an equal number of luxuries!), get your debts under control and keep the house (with a view to moving to a repayment mortgage when you are debt-free), or carry on and lose the lot.

One thing that hasn't been suggested is what YOU can do on your own to cut down on your (as in both of you) expenditure. It's all very well blaming her for spending £150 a month on nails etc but that can't be the sole thing that has got you BOTH into this much debt.... what have YOU done to contribute to the situation, and what can YOU do to sort it out?

Is your car nicer than you really need? Did you take out a loan to pay for it rather than save up?

Do you spend a lot of money on clothes, or let her go shopping for you, without protesting that you don't need it (or even taking it back without her knowing?)

Do you spend money on going out with the boys, sports tickets, expensive hobbies, DVDs, gadgets etc on the basis that she has her treats so you deserve yours?

How many credit cards are in your name alone? What are the balances? How have you run them up?

For joint cards, how many accounts do you have a card for, which you carry round in your wallet? If you have a card and you use it, you are contributing to the situation - it's not just your wife.

Do you buy presents/treats for your daughter or your wife that are unnecessary?

Do you treat your wife in the same way that you treat your daughter when it comes to money, as in, ah how sweet, let her have her treats and her toys and her big wendy house...? It's harsh (sorry!) but you do need to stop infantilising your wife. If she had the brains previously to earn double your salary, she's bright enough to understand how money works (eg that a family can't spend more than the family members bring in...) and to be involved in some of those spending decisions, even if they are that you both need to cut down.:think:

euronorris

Hi OP!

Just wondering how you are feeling today and if you had a chat with your wife yet?

I'm not going to add much more to the above, just that it would be good if you can show your wife potential solutions to this problem when discussing it with her. Otherwise she may feel the blame is being laid entirely at her feet and that she alone is expected to fix this.

If she likes beauty treatments (most of us do), then encourage her to do more of them at home with her friends. She can certainly do her own nails, I do. I think I've only had them done professionally about 3 times in my life! She can get facemasks, hair dye etc. Pretty much everything she needs/wants can be done much cheaper at home.

Also, if she is that against working (presumably) because of your child, then suggest she works in evenings or weekends. Or, she could even get an Avon/Betterware round (or something similar). She could easily deliver and collect the catalogues in the evening. Sort out the orders etc during the day and then deliver again in the evening. All the travelling required can be done once you have returned from work with the car.

Good luck x

pepe2008

Good point euronorris!

My wife now buys a hair dye from wherever they are on offer...and I put it on for her! I have to say that I'm getting pretty darned good at it....just need to work on the chat now...'Been on your holidays yet then?':D

euronorris

pepe2008 wrote: »

Good point euronorris!

My wife now buys a hair dye from wherever they are on offer...and I put it on for her! I have to say that I'm getting pretty darned good at it....just need to work on the chat now...'Been on your holidays yet then?':D

I usually buy mine on trips to the UK. I got 2 last time, on offer at Tesco, 2 for 5 quid. Whereas here, the cheapest I've seen is €14.95 each!!! :eek: Tip: I often comb my hair through when most of the dye is on, to ensure even coverage

I also cut the OH's hair. He can afford to get it done at hairdressers, but prefers to save the money. He's brave! haha. So far though, only one mishap, and that was the first time (I cut his sideburns too short!! :rotfl::rotfl:). All good since then

pepe2008

euronorris wrote: »

I usually buy mine on trips to the UK. I got 2 last time, on offer at Tesco, 2 for 5 quid. Whereas here, the cheapest I've seen is €14.95 each!!! :eek: Tip: I often come my hair through when most of the dye is on, to ensure even coverage

I also cut the OH's hair. He can afford to get it done at hairdressers, but prefers to save the money. He's brave! haha. So far though, only one mishap, and that was the first time (I cut his sideburns too short!! :rotfl::rotfl:). All good since then

Lucky for me that I just need whizzing over with a No2 cut...there are still days when it would be risky to let OH anywhere near my throat with scissors:eek:

mrs:optimist_2

Youtube has some brilliant tutorials on how to cut your own hair, do your nails everything you can think of! x

zarazara

enabler wrote: »

I know.............

she spends most days shopping, at the gym or taking our daughter to one of her classes -not sure what she will do with her time if this is entirely cut.

Go out to work is what she can do with her time. And not paying for the gym,shopping and kids classes will mean more money saved.