Cant afford my wife anymore

savingmummy

You do HAVE to tell your wife, otherwise the spending is going to continue.
I have been a stay at home mum for almost 4 yrs now and have a very strict DH.
I don`t have any beauty treatments, have my hair done once a year, no shopping trips while hubby works and certainly dont have any money to spend at all due to me not working - your wife is spoilt
LOSE the cards and stop the spending!
REDUCE all outgoings and be strict.

It may come across as her fault to some but you let it happen so you need to now put your foot down x

niccatw

Hi there

I appreciate it's difficult to speak to your wife, especially when the in laws are around. But I do think it's something you need to do. At the moment you are taking on all the strain and bottling things up. This is inevitably going to put a strain on your relationship or lead to a bit of resentment. By talking about it, you might find your wife realised something was up, but wasn't sure what it might be and was scared to bring it up herself, or wasn't sure how to bring it up.

If you have a good, strong relationship, the chances are she'll be hurt you didn't bring it up before now and guilty that you've been dealing with it yourself. It will be a difficult thing to do, so if you find you keep putting it off because "it's not the right time", chose a date in your head to tell her and stick to it. Make sure phones are off and no-one else will be around. Then together you can decide what is best for your family - you need to think of your daughter's future.

Incidentally, CCCS can give you a print out of your options before you call them if you go onto their website. This might be useful to have when speaking to your wife too.

Good luck

Britwife

How much negative equity? Would it be better to try and sell, get a smaller house and pay off the negative equity? You will always struggle to pay the mortgage at this rate.

My husband earns pennies yet I stay home and we enjoy our lives. Although we rent, we only rent what we can afford. We have 3 children and go on a holiday every year. We live within our means and I'm the strict budget spouse in our marriage. I shouldnt really say pennies but probably half your salary. We also have no debt and our bills are paid on time monthly.

You guys need to live within your means.

Juliepink26

enabler wrote: »

I'm overwhelmed by the replies here - although if I'm brutally honest I was hoping someone would offer me a quick fix or opt out suggestion............deep down I knew it wasn't going to happen.

Haven't spoken to my wife....she's downstairs cooking our dinner and my in laws are also here - they're going shopping tommorrow but the I haven't paid the credit card payment yet so it's going to be refused I'm sure:(

i've been using credit cards to top up my salary and to pay the minimum payment but they're either maxed out or I can't pay the min amount

salary due in end of week but am over the OD limit so will have enough to pay mortgage and thats it

I hate this house. Its a new build 'executive' style, 5 bedrooms, 4 ensuites, study, double garage. She loved it and still loves it - every room is immaculate. I didnt think we'd be able to borrow this much but somehow it was approved and I didn't want to disappoint her or her family. The mortgage is interest only as well -wish I could give the keys back

a few people asked questions:
gas/elec high because is a big house I guess
groceries - this was a guess but she spends at least 100 a week.....she does cook from scratch and enjoys doing it but the things we eat are probably not cheap or 'budget' options
other travel - this is train fares for wife or sometimes me as we only have 1 car
other child expenses - daughter does a tumble tots class, plus swimming and something music based
beaty treatments - nails are done every month and then she usally ahs something else at same time

apr's -I'll get back on that....not sure tbh and I never really checked, wasjust thankful I had gotten more credit. What an !!!!

Ok, Think I might be able to help out here.... My husband and I were in a similla situation, he earned good money then lost his job last year. We have a 5 bedroom house, 2 with ensuites and a down stairs study huge through lounge. We owed lots on credit cards. We have a daughter 3 years old, and I dont work. When my OH told me we would be splitting the house I got really upset but it made so much sense...I didnt want to share the house with anyone so our hallway was split in two and the front study we knocked out the window and put in a front door, that was then turned into a kitchen. So the whole of the house up stairs has its own front door and is seperate to ours.

Its made life so much easier less cleaning for me, the big downstairs livingroom was split in two and the front room we turned into our bedroom, my daughter has her bed in our room for now. The living room is now so much more cozy, we rent the whole of up stairs for £1600 a month to some girl students, you wouldnt even know they were there!

You could also tell your wife when things get better or if you have more kids it easy to swap it back..

Spirit_2

hi enabler.

Well done on posting. It is scary when you first post your SOA and put in black and white how much you owe.

You do need to discuss this with your wife ....but if you have only just 'woken up' to the scale of your problems there is no reason why your wife has thought of it today too.

You need to tell her straight away that on going out tomorrow she cannot spend on the cards - that they will bounce. You need to tell her why ....we cannot meet the repayments, they are unpaid this month.

You and she need to go through your SOA so you both see where the money goes, and then make plans for cutting expenditure (use ideas from here as "pointers") and for increasing income.

She may not jump for joy ...... give it time.... not much ...as you are in trouble now....but keep talking and try to work together at this.

My husband took a while to 'buy into' cutting expenditure but he gets it now. At the beginning I was adamant there were some spends we could not cut, things we could not sell...we did reduce them, we did sell some 'assets'.

Good luck

lisa.m_3

I would say find a time to speak with your wife she may be more understanding than you think, you need to think how you ca cut your expenses down too, it's not going to be easy but your just gonna have to get on with it I'm afraid.

IMO I have had it hard in the past and given up a lot, my OH used to own and run two business after they went....well lets just say 3 years later were in a one bedroom flat with a five year old...trying to get things back on track.

It's not easy in the end we were left with nothing (money wise) we had to sell our cars,Virgin tv had to go, shopping bill...well it's still not much of a bill but if your wife's like me she can make anything out of nothing! gas and electric was worst for us! but believe it or not electric £5 per week and gas £15, I sold loads on ebay Lucky for me my Internet is wireless so I pick up networks anywhere.

good luck

NJW69

I gave up my job when I had my son as I also believed in staying at home but as he went to nursery I got fed up at home and wanted to challenge myself again and also wanted to earn my own money.

When I was at home I worked really hard to spend as little money as possible even though we didn't have any money problems.

Did it part time at first around my DHs hours and then increased as my son went to school.

I now have a very good job, used the time when I was part time to get additional qualifications and got three degrees, so think I've earned it. I earn about double what you do and my DH has his own business and I would say I'm quite high maintenance but I get my hair done once per month £20, do my own nails £0 and have recently cancelled my gym membership as I can't justify it. I'm known for always looking well groomed and I work long hours with early starts and late finishes.

I'm doing the grocery challenge and have now this month only spent £219 for the three of us and my youngest child at home is 6' 2", body building and never stops eating (protein generally). We eat well, steak, chicken, prawns etc.

Your wife must know that you can't afford your lifestyle and it may be that you need to be the brave one and get her to acknowledge this can't go on. Some people do bury their heads in the sand.

I don't think you have any option.

clarab_3

There are advantages of your wife working when your child is at school - adult company, challenge, setting your daughter a good example as a working woman? If you appeal to her maternal instincts as setting a good example might that help?

I understand her desire to be stay at home mum for your daughter until she goes to school, but as that is now coming to an end, it wouldnt be the worst example to set her - just as DD has to go to school, mummy has to go to work? Even part time hours or 3 days a week will go a long way towards making a dent in your payments.

chumbasmum

I have never posted on this forum before as I didn't feel that I had much first hand experience at dealing with overpowering debts. I alwasy read because the creativity and determination of the people here always helps me live within my means.

But I felt that I had to add my voice to the people saying to tell your wife.

If you don't, she will find out when credit cards don't work, bills arrive and even worse baliffs wanting payment.
I think that women are generally good at dealing with issues when forced to and although there maybe a bit of handwaving and even raised voices and tears this is OK.
If it was m,e I would be more cross thinking that I had been spending away and making the situations worse and harder to get out of and more prolonged.

Head in the sand really wont work. Let her know. Good luck.

Bennifred

I'm finding hard to understand how you and your wife thought you could cut your income by two-thirds and not adjust your life-style!:eek:

Anyhow - you definitely have to have the hard conversation with your wife, it is unfair to knowingly let her be humiliated by having the cards refused tomorrow. Present it as a choice:
- you keep the house/lifestyle and she gets at least a part-time job (school hours or evening);
- you keep the house/lifestyle, you become the stay-at-home parent and she works full-time;
- carry on as at present and you lose the house/lifestyle.

It will be hard for her, as she has got used to a very nice lifestyle, thanks very much - but it is unsustainable, and unfair on you to carry the financial burden alone.