My Daughter nearly set the house on Fire ..HELP ???

DevilsAdvocate1

keys wrote: »

Sorry I thought I wrote her age ..She is 3 years old ..going to be 4 in March .
tanith : I have thought about a baby gate , but I already have one at the bottom of the stairs which she climbs over !!

Just a thought, but how about a dog gate. A nursery near me uses them instead of child gates because they are twice the height. Apart from the height they are exactly the same as a child gate. I think Argos sell them.

D.

galvanizersbaby

keys wrote: »

The other morning my boyfriend came downstairs at 6.30 am and found the oven on fire because she had placed loads of plastic in there and a full bag of sugar along with whatever else {which I dont know because they were burnt to cinders } . Its a good job he is a fireman as I wouldve probably slept through and he recognised the smell .Otherwise neither of us would probably be alive now after the fumes would have killed us after another hour or so.!!!
As you can imagine her behavour is becoming very dangerous and I just dont know what to do with her...
I dont know what has got into her latetly but everytime she has ten minutes downstairs / upstairs on her own she decides to trash the house and doesnt listen to a word I say !!! This morning she decided to throw cereal and milk all around the living room carpet , even thow I have child locks on the cupboards whilst I had a shower .
I do not have a naughty step for her because in her room there is too much for her to do and also wreck , my stairs are open planned so its too easy for her to fall over and really hurt herself . But my patience is really running thin with her !!
So far I have stopped her watching dvds and cbeebies , Ive stopped all sweets / chocolate for a week . And yesterday I took her ice skating because she had been good ...But she still trashed the house again today . I do not want her feeling all I do is shout at her and I do normally praise her for good behavour , but I feel she just does not ever behave anymore
So your suggestions would be of great help to me , as she is perfectly behaved at nursery and at other peoples houses, and I realise it is just me she has no respect for !!

Hi Keys

From your opening post i assumed your daughter was a fair bit older than 3 years old.

Is it an everyday occurance that she would be upstairs/downstairs by herself while you are asleep or did you she creep downstairs without you knowing?

When my children were this age if they were up I was up (admittedly I am not a particularly heavy sleeper but my own children were certainly not quiet when up and about) - I can't imagine letting them get up and go downstairs on their own but perhaps I am not the norm.

If you are a heavy sleeper and don't generally hear your DD wake it might be an idea to encourage her to come in and wake you so that you can get up together and she isn't left unsupervised.

I have to say I don't find the comments on the thread re your bf either fair or particularly relevant.
I guess it just shocks me that she is so young and allowed/able to get up and go downstairs on her own

cheepskate_2

How about doing some parenting classes as it seems like you may need them.
By stopping her from doing something by barraccading her in or out isnt really helping your parenting. What are you going to do when she is 12 or 14 and doesnt do as she is told.
I also find it very concerning that you know she will get up in middle of the night but havnt put anything in place with her to combat this.
Also i note that you state that you only see the boyfriend when your daughter is alseep in bed , which means that you are awake for a large part of the evening / night , maybe this is the problem why you are tired and cant wake up or hear your daughter when she gets up

Mupette

Is your cooker electric or gas? if it is electric can you get in the habit of switching it off at the wall after each use?

You say your partner is a fireman, but ok i've skipped some of the posts as they were getting a bit b1tchy, where are the fire alarms in the house etc.

You need to be putting a extra tall stairgate at the top of the stairs, i would of said on her bedroom door but if she is toilet training/trained then she needs loo access which i assume would be upstairs.

pandora205

The first thing that occurs to me is that this is a very active child who, like most at this age, needs constant supervision. This means that when she is awake and up, so is her parent. If she is waking very early, either she or the parent needs to go to bed earlier.

Second, many of the strategies suggested are about sanctions rather than shaping positive behaviour and building the child's relationship with her mother. I imagine she would have had a lot of attention, albeit negative, for the oven incident. Is she getting lots of warmth and quality attention too? This means hugs and shared activies, bedtime story, etc. and praise when she is being helpful and cooperative.

Children need adults to interact with them, including while they play. Having masses of toys, etc. in the bedroom are not what it is about. In fact, it is better to put most away (in the loft?) and bring a few out at a time. Is she playing in the family areas when it is possible to join in or at least comment on her play or is she expected to play on her own, I wonder?

Third, a couple of posts have suggested locking the child in the bedroom, which is an absolute no-no. This is dangerous and doesn't teach the child anything. For time out, a quiet area in the lounge or on the stairs is best. The bedroom isn't recommended, as using it this way can take away the calm soothing atmosphere needed at bedtime.

Caroline73_2

1 - have a baby monitor so you can hear. If you can't hear her get up how can you hear her being sick, needing the toilet etc?
2 - get a security alarm on her door. If it opens it goes off like a rape alarm. We all had them on our doors at uni - really cheap.
3 - turn your oven off

Lunar_Eclipse

keys wrote: »

But the second I need to do something on my own she starts misbehaving . When we are out of the house which is most days weather it is shopping / park / pet shop etc she is very well behaved . But I do find it hard when we return home and I need to get things done which could just be a simple phone call for ten minutes she then results back to mis behaving again .

It sounds to me like this is purely attention seeking behaviour. I therefore see that you have two possible options:

1) You give her no reason to seek it, thus you (sadly, I know) can't leave her alone, not even for ten minutes. I rather suspect that if you made sure you showered before she awoke, made all phone calls in the evenings when she's in bed for only a week or so, you would break the cycle and things would improve.

2) You completely ignore the bad behaviour. You have to pretend not to notice the mess etc (hard for ovens on fire admittedly, but they are hopefully rare!) and avoid commenting or punishing the behaviour, since this is what she is doing it for! She will then learn that she hasn't got the attention she was hoping for and stop the behaviour. It doesn't take long.

As an aside, I would have a think about why she is attention seeking. Some children are incredibly demanding and it is not in relation to anything in particular. However most children display such behaviour because they feel ignored for too long during the day, have too much time away from parents in childcare for example, are jealous of your other relationships etc. I think many change and become more secure around the age of three, so things should get better.

And time out the house every day without fail is necessary IMO.

Lotus-eater

pandora205 wrote: »

Third, a couple of posts have suggested locking the child in the bedroom, which is an absolute no-no. This is dangerous and doesn't teach the child anything.

I think I said that, in defence I only meant it until the child calmed down. In retrospect I think you are right,
As long as the child will sit down in the punishment area.

cheepskate_2

Lotus-eater wrote: »

As long as the child will sit down in the punishment area.

It doesn't matter where time out is or whether the child will sit down or not. If the child does not sit dwon/ stay where put then you keep going back to them and putting them back, even if it takes 2 hours out of your time.
Children learn so quickly how long they have to go (i.e getting back up) and suss out how many times they have to do it befroe mum/ dad gives up and lets them off with it. Then in the teenage years they know the rules, annoy mum/dad until they give up and hey presto they get what they want

euronorris

If you and your bf only spend time together in bed, I do wonder if she has caught onto this and wants to spend time with you both, so is trying, well anything and everything really to get your attention during this time.

I could be barking up the wrong tree, but this behaviour screams 'pay attention to me'. And we all know the logic of a 3 year old is very basic and doesn't take into account your need for time alone, rest etc.

Is it possible to fit a baby gate/dog gate (if needs to be taller) in the entrance to her room? I know you've mentioned open plan, but there must be an archway type entrance to the room that the gate can fit between? Or, is the babygate on the bedroom also considered a no no?

Sorry, no expert here, just trying to throw some ideas out there to think about.

Oh, and it's typical for kids to behave better with other family members/nurseries etc as they simply don't see them as often as they see you, so they are harder to 'wear down' than Mummy is.