My Daughter nearly set the house on Fire ..HELP ???

Proc

PasturesNew and Deedee are talking sense.

Children generally need a strong father figure as well as a mother. There is loads of evidence that lack of a strong father figure can cause difficult behaviour amongst children.

She's probably at an age now where she realises that other people have a dad - and she doesn't.

Sure you need to have your fun, but you've got a child to care for. You can't simply keep letting her see you with different men every day. What does that teach her about family values and relationships? Love doesn't last? Family can be replaced?

I'm not saying that it's this causing her behaviour, but without a strong, consistant father figure a child can become a PITA.

jamespir

youll have to child proof things so she cant touch it and get somone (that can do it calmly and not shout ) to expalin to her the consequenses of her actions

Lotus-eater

PasturesNew wrote: »

She's 3 and on her 3rd "dad" ... maybe she doesn't like leaving you alone because she's thinking it's time you replaced her, or when's her time to be replaced ... or you might be replaced. Maybe the naughty stuff is just to see how far she can push you before you tell her she's going to be sent away, put in a children's home/whatever.

I don't think that's fair and I'm suprised at you pastures.

There are ways of putting things and that was the nasty way.

Sunnygirl_2

deedee71 wrote: »

This is exactly what I was thinking as I read the OP's posts. Basically OP is lying in bed with yet another new man and three year old is left to her own devices. Of course she has no respect for you!

That's a bit harsh. From what the OP has said she plays and occupies her child very well. Unfortunately the LO got up while she was still asleep with this incident and at other times when she is destructive it is while the OP is occupied doing a quick job. My 3 year old always chooses times like when I have to make an important phone call or make tea to be a monkey. The OP is after some practical advice is required, not judgement.

Changes in home circumstances is always unsettling for little ones and I agree it will impact her behaviour, particularly if her dad and his family can't support discipline and punishments that have put in place.

Keys...We have a gate on DD2's bedroom door so she can't go down by herself. I agree that if she can climb over normal size gates, get a higher dog gate. For punishment if she is naughty, depending on the incident I tell her I'll count to 3 and if she doesn't stop she's going to bed. If it is something really bad then she gets put in bed straight away, eg. if she hits her sister. When she gets put in bed I close her curtains, put her on her bed and close the door and leave her to scream for 3 minutes. (I'm a fan of the same number of minutes as their age). I usually have to hold the door handle and listen to her emptying her washing basket and throwing anything she can get her hands on. After that time I go in and say are you ready to be good now. If she says no then I tell her that I'll go out again until she is ready to be good. Sometimes this ends the tantrum, sometimes not and I'll have to do it a couple more times. The best way to do all this is very calmly and quietly. The higher your voice is raised the louder and longer the tantrum.

I completely agree with the previous poster who said never threaten anything you can't carry out. Winds me up when people say you'll get no xmas presents...of course that won't happen. Also, you mentioned about no sweets for a week. For a child of this age a week is far too long for a punishment. By the end of the week she'll have no idea what she did to deserve the punishment. We use no cebeebies that day or no pudding if she's naughty at teatime. Something immediate and not too long.

Good bit of advice from mumslave there too.:T

Good Luck.

keys_2

PasturesNew wrote: »

She's 3 and on her 3rd "dad" ... maybe she doesn't like leaving you alone because she's thinking it's time you replaced her, or when's her time to be replaced ... or you might be replaced. Maybe the naughty stuff is just to see how far she can push you before you tell her she's going to be sent away, put in a children's home/whatever.

To start with she is NOT on her 3rd dad . She never had a first one apart from my ex {mentioned earlier } who I was with when she was a baby - So he stills sees her once a month or thereabouts , which I am glad of , and I appriciate that he still cares for her and sees heralong with his family when he has her .. I also show her that me and him still get on .We split over 2 years ago , which inmo is alot better for her as me and him were not compatabile at all in a relationship and for dd's and mines sake which I wont go into we are alot better off with him just seeing her as and when he does at the moment rather than me and him being unhappy together which would affect my daughter .

Deedee 71

This is exactly what I was thinking as I read the OP's posts. Basically OP is lying in bed with yet another new man and three year old is left to her own devices. Of course she has no respect for you!

My boyfriend I have been with for just over a year now does not live with us and has his own son who is older and he adores and he spends alot of time with him on his own just like I do with my daughter on my own for this reason and others. So most of the time we only see each other when my daughter is in bed to which we both agree on so my daughter does not feel left out .
I do not lay in bed with men ignoring her - And I never would - She comes before any man would ever do and when he is in my company she is always the one that gets all the attention , we go out together and do things or play in the house with her . And she likes him and also asks for him sometimes . She loves chatting on the phone to him aswell , and if she didnt like him then things wouldve been different .
So my daughter Always comes first and always will as I love her so much and always put her first in everything I do and before anyone else that I know.
She also does not see him as a dad as you are suggesting and neither of us want that either

PasturesNew and Deedee are talking sense.
Children generally need a strong father figure as well as a mother. There is loads of evidence that lack of a strong father figure can cause difficult behaviour amongst children.
She's probably at an age now where she realises that other people have a dad - and she doesn't.
Sure you need to have your fun, but you've got a child to care for. You can't simply keep letting her see you with different men every day. What does that teach her about family values and relationships? Love doesn't last? Family can be replaced?
I'm not saying that it's this causing her behaviour, but without a strong, consistant father figure a child can become a PITA .

So please do not judge me on facts you did not know about . I asked on here for advice not to be made out to be a unfit mother who has lots of men in my bed ...because I am certainly not that sort of person .
I just want the best for my daughter !!!!

PasturesNew

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I don't think that's fair and I'm suprised at you pastures.

There are ways of putting things and that was the nasty way.

Other ways ... what, you mean pu55y foot about and be unclear what you mean? I didn't think what I put was nasty at all. Just another viewpoint, which might or might not be the viewpoint of a 3 year old.

Sunnygirl_2

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Just to add that supernanny USA advises that the naughty step should most definitely not be in the child's room, it should be a seperate area defined by a chair, mat etc. Or it could even be the bottom stair. the reason for it not being the bedroom is you expect your child to sleep there and possibly play there and making it the naughty step too is sending out confused messages. which makes sense IMHO.

I think though it's important to be clear in all of the little things as well as the big things about where you draw the line. and to be totally consistent, one a child gets the message that sometimes they can get away with things they will play up constantly...

Sorry, don't agree with not using the bedroom. We do and my 3 yr old sleeps 12 hours every night and 2 hours in the afternoon too. DD1 was the same. They also have no problem with playing in their rooms either. I think it's possible to do it anywhere as the idea is about removing them from the situation when their calm telling them they can't hit, bite, throw, etc. or this is what will happen. That's my thoughts anyway!:p

Totally agree with you on the consistency though. Children feel secure if they know that certain actions produce certain consequences, even if they don't like the consequences.;)

Lotus-eater

PasturesNew wrote: »

Other ways ... what, you mean pu55y foot about and be unclear what you mean? I didn't think what I put was nasty at all. Just another viewpoint, which might or might not be the viewpoint of a 3 year old.

I take it you are in a perfect relationship then?

No? Oh and there are reasons for that, don't bother posting them all. I'm not interested, I suspect the OP has reasons too.
Why don't you just guess what they are and post without knowing, but judging anyway.

Oh you already did.....

BitterAndTwisted

"I try my best to involve her in everything I do because she loves helping . But the second I need to do something on my own she starts misbehaving ."

This is the key to your punishments if she doesn't behave. You don't even need to turn your back on her, just completely ignore her for however long you think is reasonable and you tell her you're going to do it when you give her a warning. Similar to the naughty step when they're not given any attention there either.

andrealm

Ignore the judgemental comments, some people just like to stir it up. I can't add much to the sensible advice given by other posters but my 3 year old can certainly be a handful too and she's only had one dad and yes we do discipline her and set boundaries. 3 is a difficult age and some children are more strong willed than others.