My Daughter nearly set the house on Fire ..HELP ???

feelinggood_2

Is your bf her dad?

*Louise*

keys wrote: »

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tanith : I have thought about a baby gate , but I already have one at the bottom of the stairs which she climbs over !!

That's because she is higher up on the side she is climbing from, so it's easy.

Stick it on her bedroom door and it will make life more difficult.

mumslave

you can get extra tall stair gates too, usually for dogs but they are available.

floss2

keys wrote: »

.... I do not have a naughty step for her because in her room there is too much for her to do and also wreck...

mumslave wrote: »

...Is she bored at home. Bored children become destructive...

She is probably unable to choose between "too much for her to do" in her room and consequently is finding amusement wherever she can.

Granted my sons didn't try to set the house on fire, but scribbling on the walls was a pahse we went through about 20 years ago....I took half of their (many) toys away so they didn't have too much choice, stuck them in the loft and they began playing with the smaller amount of toys again, and the scribbling stopped.

You may like her to have everything available for her to play with, but a 3-yo cannot plan in her mind that she will play with Baby Annabel for 1 hour and then with Duplo for another hour....she will get everything out at the same time and be unable to see anything to play with it.

Lotus-eater

xmaslolly76 wrote: »

My son is very much the same at times we just dont seem to be able to get through to him. As a loast resort we have completely emptied his room apart from clothes and his bed. He is now earning back his things each day and he does seem to be improving alot especially as his beloved DS lite is on the bottom of the list for things to be returned to him. He is 7 by the way not sure if it will help you :-)

I was thinking about advising something like that.

I think the bottom line is that you have to keep punishing or taking things away, till she stops.

At this age you have to be really strict if you want her to be good at 6 or 7.

And it's usually the parents that are at fault not the kids. Not always, but usually.

mumslave

very true floss, last year my husband and I gave away three quarters of the toys in our daughters room because there was just HEAPS and like yous ay, they would pull out absolutely everything, then sit there wondering what the heck to do. We kept a couple of play sets, some creative things, a few dollies, a few jigsaws, everything else was got rid of and you know they didnt even notice. After that they began to play a lot better in their room together and every so often we have another clear out, to keep things fresh and not too many.

keys_2

pigpen wrote: »

If you speak to the fire brigade they will send someone round to speak with her abhout the dangers of fire.. this did help with my brood when one of them set the kitchen alight.

We had noticed the fire and out it out before the smoke alarms went off... they appear to be more sensitive to your toast burning than the curtains!

It isn't necessarily that she has no respect for you.. they behave at nursery because they are occupied and entertained. they also feel more comfortable at home with you because you love them unconditionally but nursery teachers don't. She just seems to lack awareness of the actual dangers.

Oh.. if you speak to them at nursery they should have a 'group talk' about the dangers of messing with fire too.. definitely worth the chat!

Yes My bf is a fireman so he suggested showing her some videos that they have at work ..However when this was mentioned to her she found it all very exciting and fasanating So I am very warey of showing them her as she watched something similar a while back on television about people breaking bones in an accident . But then found being admitted to hospital if she broke an arm or a leg would be exciting and some of my family members are nurses so she also looked at this as being a positive as patients get looked and cared after well after there broken injury , so she then kept pretending she had a broken leg and arm when she fell over .
I will defintaely talk to the teachers when she goes back to nursery thow .
mumslave Thankyou for your good advice . I too try my best to make sure I praise her for good behavour . I also set certain times of day when we are together to play games and toys together { mainly educational ones } and I also have set times of day where she plays on her own or with friends . I try my best to involve her in everything I do because she loves helping . But the second I need to do something on my own she starts misbehaving . When we are out of the house which is most days weather it is shopping / park / pet shop etc she is very well behaved . But I do find it hard when we return home and I need to get things done which could just be a simple phone call for ten minutes she then results back to mis behaving again .
*Louise* I have open planned stairs that lead into the kitchen - Therefore no door to my kitchen
She also does never go near the cooker when I am around as she realises that if she leans near it or anything she will burnt . Which is another reason why I am so worried now as this is the second time she has done this in a year .
feelinggood No my boyfriend isnt her dad but they do get on well and he also told her off for the first time ever when the cooker scenario happened - But I also know that she just finds it like a game
It is just me and her and my ex { whom she looks on as her dad} has her every 4 weeks or so . When i rang him for help last week basically he called me loads of names and blamed me . But when she sees him and his family they molly coddle her and she does no wrong , and I know for a fact if she was too visit him this week he would not stick to the rules of no treats / dvds etc that I have set for her . So she will not be going there if he asks this week . But I cannot really complain about this as he is not her real dad anyway . Another reason why I know it is all down to how I disipline her from now onwards , but Im not sure of how to do it and realise it is my fault why this is happening but I really do want to correct it so I am willing to devise a plan and definately sticking to it !!

About a month ago I did take majority of her toys away ive freecycledc them and have many to go on Ebay hidden away . Her room is extremely small and in her reach of toys she just has 1 large box { 3 others she cant reach } I allow her a box to play with a day - she has to ask me to get them down. Each box consits of a mixture of learning and fun toys . As I find then she has a turn around of toys and different learning . She does have a mountain of books thow which I always find myself clearing out alot .

fantasia322

mumslave wrote: »

You dont have a naughty step because there is too much for her to do in her room?! Since when does a naughty step have to be in her room. She must be aged about 3 if you say she is in nursery, so its not her thats the problem, its you, sorry but as you say she is a danger and that is because she is allowed to be. Stairgates, alarms, there are plenty of safety things out there to minimise the risk in the short term, to her damaging herself and others. However her behaviour, you need to learn how to manage it and fast.

Is she bored at home. Bored children become destructive (i know through experience, the times I have been too lazy to do something with my two, tends to be the times i find something damaged, broken, drawn on etc) so try to provide her with a structured day, with 15 to 20 minutes break between activites for her to play herself and you to do what you need to do.

Take her out of the house when you can, to the park or if you have a garden, wrap her up well and help her work off some energy. My eldest child has always had me amazed at the sheer amount of energy she has, from the moment her feet touches the floor to getting back into bed at night, there is no stopping her.

Bright children need more stimulation as well, not just physical. At the age of 3, if thats what she is, you can get fun work books that will exercise her mind and give you and her some one on one time with her.

Finally, you are her parent, before you are her friend. That comes second. This means that when she is doing naughty things, you need to show her you are the one in control, not her. Sit yourself down, write out all the things she does that you dont like, Cross off the silly things that in the grand scheme of things dont matter. You should be left with a list of dangerous things or things she needs to do for her own benefit such as eating meals/brushing teeth. The important things. Now decide how you are going to deal with each thing when it happens. Find a naughty step/corner/room and be prepared to put her back on it time and time again, she will eventually get the message.

With my two, aged 4 and 3, they get three warnings to stop the behaviour I dont like. After three, its naughty step. If the behaviour then carries on, its loss of privallege, such as the games console my 4 year old loves so much, or no tv. If it still carries on, then its a smack. It very very very rarely reaches that stage however they know its an option I will use if I feel the need to. Each to their own.

Everytime you punish her, however way you do it, be consistent. Stick to punishing her by the same method over and over again. If you arent consistent in your behaviour to her, she wont be in her behaviour to you. She needs to learn boundaries with you and what she can expect when it goes wrong.

I am guilty of this, but DONT let the situation escalate. Sometimes when I have to punish my two, it can seem totally ineffective, so its tempting to heap on any old punishment you can think of till you get a reaction/remorse/tears. Thats totally pointless. Choose your punishment method and stick to it, even if it seems like your daughter doesnt care.

Finally, she will need incentives for showing good behaviour. You can try reward charts, they do work I think. Set the house rules with her, and let her know when she does something you like, you will let her put a sticker on her chart. If at the end of the week she has a certain amount of stickers, only then will you take her ice skating etc etc. If she is naughty, its tempting to take a sticker off, but dont. You want her to see the reward chart as something totally positive.

Dont lose heart either...as soon as your daughter finds you are trying to get control, her behaviour will get worse before it gets better. Hang on in there, it does get better as long as you stay consistent, firm and fair.

(i say all this like I am the perfect mother, but I am often guilty of shouting or losing control by the exaggeration of the punishment to get a reaction, its not easy but keep trying, i do!)

Best blo*** advice here. Honest also, none of us are perfect parents but consistency is the key and never, never, ever, make a threat (a reasonable one) without following through. Its called tough love, and if you dont start soon then you will have a real little rebel on your hands. Sort your smoke alarms also (you must have them if OH is a fireman). Goodluck

Mrs_Beatson

Keys Have replied to you in the flylady thread, then re-read your post and realised you'd started a thread! D'oh I have copied my post below for you.

oh you could just murder them somedays, couldn't you? I have 4 kiddies and I have a VERY strict rule in my house that NOBODY goes downstairs before I do. Perhaps a stair gate on her room/top of the stairs to help enforce this rule might help to begin with?

Naughty steps ARE marvellous but I do see your problem with your stairs and her room. Same happens with mine when I send them to their rooms they end up playing with their toys which defeats the punishment aspect!!
May I suggest (as Supernanny does) a piece of carpet as a naughty spot, or a cushion, or a corner?? You just need SOMEWHERE to put her so she understands it's a punishment. Anywhere at all will do, a dining room chair if needs be... I don't recommend locking them in the coal shed though :rotfl:(although Ive been tempted a few times myself!!:rotfl:)

I hope things settle for you. It IS difficult at that "fiddling with everything" stage, but rest assured they will grow out of it eventually... in the meantime count to 10 (or 20 or 30!!!!) take a deep breath, pop her in the naughty spot, explain why she is there and
eventually you will get to a point where you can warn her she is going there if she doesn't behave/stop/ etc and she WILL! (fingers crossed!;))

mumslave

Keys, you may just have a child that is more high maintenance that others. I dont envy you, I have one myself. My eldest has always needed a LOT more of my time and attention than my other two and has never really been that capable of amusing herself. It sounds like passing the buck, but I believe school is the answer, home life can just get boring no matter how much you do to make it interesting, its just doing your best that you can whilst they are at home all day long.

Its also possible that she has cottoned onto the fact she can get more attention from you, when you are distracted/taking time to yourself. Thats where the naughty step will have to come in, she has to learn that if you have done x y and z with her, that you need some time to talk on the phone, get yourself washed and so on. Reacting in any way other than calmly with the naughty corner will just feed the playing up for attention when you take some time for yourself.

To make sure I have some time to myself (without it I would go nuts) I introduced 'quiet time'. This happens between 1pm and 3pm every day....to coincide with when my youngest naps. This means he is in bed and the girls are allowed to choose a dvd to watch and given blankets. It took a lot of reinforcing, that quiet time was quiet time, but its been well worth it. They dont sleep but get to refresh themselves., I get time to sort myself out, do some housework...waste time on MSE :eek: and generally feel more 'adult' again before the afternoon shift begins. Perhaps this is something you could do with your daughter to make sure you are getting some time too and she is learning she doesnt need your attention 100% all day.