Got pregnant by a married bloke

tabetha_2

It has taken a lot for me to pluck up the courage to send this post - so please bear with me i need objective advice and try not to be subjective.

i had an affair with a married man and accidentally got pregnant, he was dead against me proceeding with the pregnancy but the other option which was to terminate was not an option for me, i dont believe in abortion. After much discussion and heated arguments he agreed to paying me a lump sum to help with preparing for the arrival of the baby - he got me so sign a child maintenance agreement in which we agreed it would be for 7 years but for those 7 years the lump sum only works out to just over £100 a month. He agreed to chip in when needed but there was no monthly figure agreed, he has occassionally helped out with financial stuff but its not all the time i get help and now i want a monthly contribution from him as i am finding difficult to survive considering i am single mum working full time and not paid that much - on the other hand he earns alot has an extremely good job and earns well in excess of £2000 a week. I stupidly agreed that i would never involve the CSA and was content with the lump sum he would pay me, and would endeavour to discuss things with him to reach an amicable solution. I was naive and as it was my first child did not realise it would be so difficult raising a child on my own, i thought it would be easy and financially i am struggling. I have asked him to pay me a monthly sum of £500 but he has refused saying he has other commitments and that i am ungrateful and greedy and considers that under the circumstances he has done better than other fathers (in terms of financial support) he does not provide any emotional support or involved in his childs life at all. according to the CSA calcutor i may be entitled to £240 a week coz of his income and i have tried to negotiate with him to give me at least half but it all got nasty and he has said some pretty hurtful things and i am feeling so wound up and i just want to involve the CSA but that would mean he pays me alot more that what i need and also his wife finding out and its the last thing i want to cause any heartache or upset his household bt i also feel we both brought this child into the world and we both need to be responsible but he says "its your child - look after your child and leave me out of it".

I just want some advice on whether i would be able to make a successful claim considering he gave me a lump sum of not more than £10k about 2 years ago. i am not looking to be sent on a guilt trip about having an affair, it was wrong i know but i am trying to make the best of abad situation, so anyone who wants to hurl abuse or be judgemental please save it - i have already had that from the people closest to me and i am not proud of what i did - i need you to be objective not subjective.

Thank you

dmg24

Welcome to MSE tabetha,

Does the father have any other children?

I don't know enough about child support to give you an answer, but I'm sure someone will be about in the daytime who knows more.

Try not to worry about what other people think - we've all messed up at some point. What matters is how you deal with it once it has happened, and you clearly want the best for your child. Good luck.

gordikin

I'd contact Citizens Advice and see what they say. Also I suspect CSA would ignore the agreement you entered into. 7 years !!!!!!! 9 years min. short of what it should be. I'm not moralising, but you really chose an !!!!! to have an affair with.

vaporate

God. Not being rude here but why do women get with !!!!!!!s?

DUTR

Yes you can put in a claim via the csa. Nothing to stop you, the previous agreememnt stands for nothing as the assessment will be from when you contact them.

shell_542

Yes you can contact the CSA.

No, they will not take into account the lump sum you were given.

But you need to prepare yourself for the can of worms that would open. It won't be pretty (unless somehow his and his wife's finances are completely separate and she won't notice the extremely large lump of money he loses a month.

Maybe involving the CSA will iin the end be a good thing, so that the wife discovers what her husband does and that he has a secret child somewhere. (If she cares enough)

Blonde_Bint

If the wife finds out and leaves him, she could end up with less than shes getting now.

Does he have children with his wife?

If I found out dh had a baby with someone else i'd leave him and start a claim of my own. sorry if that offends anyone but I think thats what I would do. It may make things worse between the op and the married man because rightly or wrongly he may blame her for it.

remember he didnt want the op to have the baby. If his wife finds out ....:eek: he may become a pay and go dad.

But at the end of the day op his wife is not your problem, his wife his problem. If you are struggling on the money he has given you, you have just as much right as anyone to go through the csa no matter what he's got to say about it or what his circumstances:) good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

AnxiousMum

Forget about what effect your going to CSA might have on him and his.....you are on the look out for 'yours'......you need to ensure that your child's needs are met. Your child already doesn't have a father who is actively involved in their life - and the father is likely hoping you'd go away quietly with a nice little cheque.

His marriage is not your problem - it took two to tango, not just you.

I once agreed to an order with my ex husband when it came to moving. He basically told me that 'you can move and take the boys with you if I can not pay child support and get on with my life'. I wrote up an agreement to that effect and we signed it.

I did however, take it to a court (in canada though) to have it registered, and the judge refused, as apparently, the giving up of child support was not mine to give up - it was the right of my children to receive child support from BOTH parents. As he'd already given permission for them to move, the judge simply ordered we could move and that child support was payable from the father.

So.......while you may have entered into an agreement at the time, in reality, child support is not yours to give up. The government has set guidelines as to what is payable towards the cost of a child's upbringing, and your child is entitled to a similar lifestyle as if both parents were together and contributing to their upbringing.

Go to the CSA, and do what is right for your child.

RedSky

Moral and legal issues differ.

Legally he is financially responsible and it is doubtful that the agreed lump sum could ever be considered in an application to the CSA.

Morally you refer to "we both brought this child into the world " yet you also state "he was dead against me proceeding with the pregnancy". Your opinions differ where he considers himself the biological father yet you want him to be a parent. You also say he is married and in a well paid job. Would you have made an application if his situation was different?

You are "entitled" to more but it is up to you if you morally pursue it given the circumstances.

shell_542

Its not jusre money the OP has to consider, its whether being forced to pay more through the CSA will result in the father wanting a relationship with the child. That's the can of worms you may open. Great for the child, to have both parents involved (if he is a fit parent) but something the OP may struggle with. Especially as the wife may not leave the father and you will have to come to terms with his wife being part of the child's life from the beginning. A price you may pay for this situation.

mitchaa

This is a windup people.

It is to get the pot stirring of ''Why should a man have to pay for a child that he wanted aborted. If the woman brought it into this world against the wishes of the 'father' then she should raise it on her own''

It's a feeble attempt of trolling in order to cause yet another stir.

Ignore.