The problem with teenage girls...

Mupette

eklynne wrote: »

My dd has just disclosed to me this evening that a girl in her class is pregnant. She is not overly friendly with this girl but I do know this girl and her mother from when the girls were at primary and also from around town, and dd has told me that mum doesn't yet know. I have now been sitting here for hours deliberating over how to deal with this situation. My dd says she doesn't know how far along this girl is (she's not showing yet apparently) and that the girl is not saying who the father is. She is 14. My OH says I shouldn't get involved, but what's tearing me up is the thought that if this situation arose in my family that other people would know and not tell me. I couldn't bear that. I have jumped in with my size 6's in the past (to my detriment) so would appreciate some views from uninvolved 3rd parties as to what they would do. All input welcomed, as I am truly confused as to how to deal with this information.

Don't get involved unless the pregnant girl comes to you for help.

Be more concerned about ensuring your daughter doesn't end up the same way.

eklynne wrote: »

Hello everyone, and thanks again for your input.
There has been some progress since I last posted. I sent DD to school today armed with phone number and opening times for one of the the FP clinics in our town. Girl couldn't bring herself to phone, so DD called and made an appointment for Wednesday night and is going to go with her. So far the girl still doesn't know that I know. I plan to keep it this way until there is a positive PT. If and when that happens, I shall intervene, saying that DD has just told me and of course offer my support to the girl before we decide on the next move, which I'm hoping will be to inform her mum or another family member. Much as I don't want to betray this girl's mother, I feel I need to give her some adult reassurance that this is not the end of the world and that she needs the support of adults to cope whatever the outcome.
Of course, my hope is that Wednesday will bring with it a negative result and a good counselling session on safe sex from the FP clinic.
Thank you all for your kind and supportive words, I have been really wound up about this. DD has been an absolute star, I am really proud of the way she's handled this. It turns out that about 6 months ago this girl was turned on by her group of 'friends' and has more or less had no one to confide in. Teenage girls can be so cruel to each other. Poor thing.
So, thanks again everyone.

Giving your daughter the information to pass on is great,

But you sound like you are itching to get involved, don't do it.

She's going to a FP clinic, they are experts in this, they can help and advise her of her options.

there is no we shall decide what the next move is......the girl will be in very capable hands, it is lovely to see how caring you are, but try not to get attached. be there to support your daughter who sounds like an extremely special young lady.

The could be numerous reasons why the girl is not saying who the father is, or not telling her mum yet.

Person_one

Mupette wrote: »

Don't get involved unless the pregnant girl comes to you for help.

Giving your daughter the information to pass on is great,

She's going to a FP clinic, they are experts in this, they can help and advise her of her options.

there is no we shall decide what the next move is......the girl will be in very capable hands, it is lovely to see how caring you are, but try not to get attached. be there to support your daughter who sounds like an extremely special young lady.

The could be numerous reasons why the girl is not saying who the father is, or not telling her mum yet.

Have to agree with this, if the girl gets a positive test result at the fp clinic then the adults there are the best ones to deal with it from that point on. They have a lot of training in supporting girls and families in this situation.

You can step back now, knowing that your daughter was wonderfully supportive and that the situation is in the hands of trained professionals. Now that she has this appointment you don't need to intervene any further.

ameliarate

Caroline73 wrote: »

You could the school nurse and tell her that another pupil has confided in your daughter. Express that you are worried about the burden on your daughter and want to know where to go from here. State that you do not want your daughter asked about who is pregnant, that is a different issue.

School nurses hear about pregnant girls in school that aren't pregnant all the time. this is far more common than you think (unfortunately).

It doesn't sound to me as though the OP's daughter needs any support from outside of the family as she is getting it from her mother and anyway sounds like a wonderful, level headed girl.

Casati

ameliarate wrote: »

It doesn't sound to me as though the OP's daughter needs any support from outside of the family as she is getting it from her mother and anyway sounds like a wonderful, level headed girl.

Totally agree.

We all have to learn what it means to help a friend, even though it is sometimes difficult to know the right course and even more difficult to follow it through. That's just part of growing up. OP's daughter sounds like she is rising to the challenge spectacularly well. :T

Desperate_Housewife_2-2

could you talk to one of the teachers?

ailuro2

Did no one suggest going to the chemist and getting a test, or even to Poundland since this is MSE;)

It would be a day less worry for the girl(s), PT these days are under a fiver from the chemist or even the supermarket.

Your DD is a credit to you.

eklynne

Mupette wrote: »

But you sound like you are itching to get involved, don't do it.

She's going to a FP clinic, they are experts in this, they can help and advise her of her options.

there is no we shall decide what the next move is.

Hello.
I think I maybe didn't put that across in exactly the way I meant. I am certainly not 'itching' to get involved as you suggest, I am simply in a position where I'm aware of a problem and trying to negotiate it in the correct way, hence the asking for opinions on what to do. When I said I would intervene, I meant in the sense I would let the girl know that I know, and offer my support if she wanted it, not that I would then take control of the situation and start making choices for her. My intervention would only take the form of offering help to the girl. The reason I suggested the FP clinic was precisely so the problem would be in the hands of professionals and not myself.
I am a mother of a girl, and it's hard (as other mothers of girls will testify) to not feel heartbroken for a girl in this position.
Thanks.

euronorris

I hope it all goes well this evening. Fingers crossed for a negative result.

If positive, and she's still scared to tell her Mum, perhaps offer for you and DD to be there with her at the time. To hold her hand, so to speak.

It can be awfully scary to admit something like that to your Mum, at such a young age. She may think that her Mum will react in a much worse way than she actually will.

For example, I fell pregnant at 17, but didn't even know until I was miscarrying. I was so scared to ask my Mum for help, but I knew I had to ask someone. And she was wonderful as it turns out. I was expecting a lecture, but I received comfort and then advice on protecting myself against STD's and pregnancies etc.

Anyway, she may find it all easier if she has someone else there, as support, when she tells her Mum.

x

eklynne

Quick update.
Unfortuantely, girl is pregnant and the FP clinic estimate that she is around 16-18 weeks along. Had a very emotional dd and friend arrive back at ours last night.
The good news is that mum now knows, I took the girl home on Wednesday and sat with her while she told her. Lots of tears, a few from myself I have to admit, but lots of cuddles and reassurance too. Mum took it probably as well as she could have, but I feel everyone is in shock.
Girl had opened up to DD and told her that growing up there had been lots of warnings of 'don't waste your life the way I did' (mum had her at 16).
Thanks again for your advice and kind words.

Smiley82

Thank-you for updating, I'm sorry to hear it wasn't the outcome many were hoping for.

Both you and your DD sound like you have handled this exceptionally well, and hopefully it has made your own relationship stronger. You should be very proud of her (I'm sure you are!).