don't know what to do?

margaretclare

patchwork_cat wrote:

So there have always been men that help out.

Yes, there have always been men like patchwork cat's Grandads, equally there have always been many (too many!) of the other kind.

I recall when my daughters were babies, back in the early 1960s (one was born August 1961 and the other December 1963) my late husband was teased and laughed at by guys round about where we lived, for being willing to change nappies etc. His view was simple. 'If you're man enough to father a baby then you're man enough to change a nappy, give it a bottle, whatever needs doing.'

Conversely, around that time we had friends living nearby, and I can hear him now - she had sciatica and found it difficult to bend. 'Pat, Sarah's nappy needs changing....Pa-a-a-a-t....did you hear me?' He'd read the Sunday paper and then drop it on the floor. When she went into hospital to have the second baby she had to make sure there was plenty of food in, shopping, fridge well-stocked, all the cake and biscuit tins full, even then the two mothers-in-law would come round alternate evenings to give him his dinner.

It's never been the case with me, either in my first marriage or in my present (second) one. I couldn't live with a bloke like that.

Having said all that, a bloke who was a 'good provider', who earned a living and paid all the bills etc - my poor mother would have given her eye-teeth to have a man like that in her life. She'd have been his devoted slave because - compared the life she had, scrubbing other women's floors for a living - she'd have considered it paradise.

Margaret Clare

flybynight

in his defence, he may improve now you've told him what the problem is......... i am useless at guessing what the problem is... if i ask if something is wrong and you say nothing in a huff... i am gonna take that as nothing being wrong and carry on in my own sweet world. i never deliberatley make a mess to annoy my girlfriend... it just sort of happens around me... and in answer to the question.. couldn't you see that needed wiping / polishing / puttin in the bin...no i reallly didnt notice. it works a lot beetter now she has realised i dont pick up on hints or being left to notice things, if told i will do them pretty much straight away. i enjhoy cooking, so frequently knock up dinner.. but had been doing so for 6 months till she pointed out she;d appreciate it a lot more if washed up.
so its safe to say its not taht i dont care... most of the time its coz i don;t notice. have you tried giving him set tasks? as this works well with me... if i know its my "job" im more likeley to keep a check on it... ie bin emptying, as i cant multitask.

Penny_Watcher

pdoff wrote:

i was told by friend (who thinks i should leave him btw!) that i should write down exactly what i do & put a price next to it, such as childminder, taxi service, cleaner, cook etc & then he'd see that if he had to pay someone to do what i do he couldn't afford it therefore my job IS as important/hard as his if not more so.

DH had a day off work a couple of months ago. He was acting the martyr for having to clear up after himself for once. Whilst stuffing his dirty sports kit into the washing machine and mutttering about why the heck he should have to do this on his day off an item came onto the radio making just the point raised by pdoff's friend.

Apparently if our darling spouses had to pay the going rate for all those jobs we do around the house, childcare, gardening, DIY, shopping, decorating, taxi service, hairdresser, dog walker etc. it would cost him on average £26,000 per year

I smiled a knowing smile, nodded at DH in a "did you flippin' well hear that?" manner and carried on chipping the burnt on muck off the inside of the oven. :rolleyes:

bluenose1

You've just reminded me that I went through a very similar situation with my husband when my youngest was a few months old. Luckily I had rec'd a self help book in one of those bundles from the Book People (had actually bought the bundle for the diet book - I digress.)

Anyway it advised that there were different categories of women. I was the Silent Martyr, I would feel all sorry for myself doing everything, let it all build up and then then explode. It told me to instead say things like "would you do me a favour and empty the bins." Rather than my usual strategy of "how come it is always me that empties the bins." Which would get his back up and he would regard me as a moaner.

I adopted this strategy and it actually worked!!!!!!! He did help a lot more around the house. Not normally into self help books.

After kids you are both tired and I think things that don't normally annoy you do. I had worked out my maintenance and priced houses to live on my own etc. I was convinced I didn't want to be with him.

Now the boys are 13, 10 and 3 and life is easier.
Though we have no-one to help us. My mum died a few years ago and my MIL has recently had a stroke so we are doing quite a lot for her.

Good luck and I hope your marriage works out. It is too easy to give up when you are under stress. Though I know there are some people for whom it is better to split up.

Best of luck
Anne