don't know what to do?

skylight

I am with you AnnieK. My OH thinks I sit at home all day doing nothing. (er...like now......) :rotfl:

The roles were reversed last year. Due to stress, he had the time off, with the kids at home and I went out to work. But it wasn't a proper job you understand. Just part-time, and making calls/typing a few letters isn't really stressful.......:mad:

The ***** did nothing. All year. I still came home to wash up, tidy, clean, washing, cooking etc. Then went BALLASTIC when I suggested about him NOT spending £100 we didn't have on Archery stuff "Rub my nose in it, just cos I am not working".

Now I get the "I pay the bills" "I work hard all day" - yeah - and I don't.

A few months ago, I was talking to his Mum about it. Now - she is to blame. She molly-coddled all the kids - but was suprisingly on my side. I gave him THREE (!) jobs to do in the week. 1) - Put the bins out Thursday, 2) - Washing up on a Sunday, 3) - Cut the grass. Or I told him I was leaving. So I packed his bags for him (yes, doesn't quite make sense!) and it seems to work so far.

I still get the "But I earn all the money".

THEN - as he took the last £20 off me on Saturday (for my hair to be cut) so he can cut his instead..... He goes out yesterday and takes £40 out of the account - that we don't have, to buy a ******g glass tank for ******g snails. SNAILS! DD3 has 2 Giant African Snails. Very cheap to look after and a free tank to have them in - great. But no. He wanted to do something nice for DD3 becuase of her reading well (just learning).

He didn't understand why I burst into tears. We are supposed to be declaring bankruptcy in a few weeks. How can I justify £40 on a glass tank? (And I called the shop and they wont take it back) It means next week I have to cut back on food shopping. Well, it may mean something to him next week when he has no lunch for work..........

ARGHHH!!!! Can't we find somewhere to leave all men until they are required for a purpose??????

And sorry to hijack the thread - I have no real advice for you OP! Just all (most) men are inconsiderate pigs and we waste our lives putting up with it.

wigginsmum

Georgina wrote:

You're not alone! Me & OH don't have kids, both work full time, but we have a frequent - erm - "discussion" about the fact that I do the majority of the household chores, planning, money management & admin, and that it is really not fair. It improves for a bit, and then I have to instigate another "discussion" as a reminder!

Same with us. Even when DH is off work for 6 weeks (teacher), I still come home from work to no dinner and no housework done. It'll get to 8ish and he'll say 'What are we planning for dinner?' And I'll say 'I dunno - what do you feel like cooking for me, as I've been at work all day?' And he says nothing and reaches for the takeaway menus ...

twink

think most men tend to be like that, long ago you wouldnt get men doing any household work at all, mine was the same as your is, you should talk to him and explain how you feel

margaretclare

millsmum wrote:

if i look at his dad, he is just the same. never wrong, selfish, when he is wrong shouts very loudly!

Not sure what Walt Disney has got to do with anything, but if he's grown up with his dad being exactly the same, then it can work in one of two opposing ways:

1. He thinks that this is what being a man is all about, being selfish, having women of all ages running about after him - see comments from flossy_splodge on another board.

2. He sees it, grows up with it, sees the effect it has on his mother, and determines to be different. This is what has happened with my DH. he actually blames his dad for shortening his mum's life because of not being supportive when she developed diabetes and then heart disease, and dad would still demand she jumped up and down fetching him things when he was sat at table. DH is completely the opposite.

Best wishes

Margaret Clare

loopy_lass

shame... its not nice being in that situation, but only you can decide what to do... im 41 and single, never been married single parent etc (he cleared off with someone else)..

I got this theory that us humans aint suppose to pair up together forever, nope nope nope, its just not normal in the majority of circumstances. I reckon between 7 & 15 yrs is the norm. If any fella suggested living together or getting married id run a mile... all i can see is all the hassle & heartbreak stored up infront of me, which is all backed up with previous posts!

I guess ill get flamed for writing this, but i reckon you gotta be in the right place with the right person for the right reasons, and if you aint and ur not happy get out... lifes too short to be miserable and unhappy just because society says you should be married and stick it out... as for splitting things between you ..... mmmm well i guess its half and half to be fair

just my humble point & i may stand to be corrected ;-)

loops

1sttimer_2

Things just don't change do they? I think this is what must happen to most couples. It was the same when my 2 were young and my mum (bless her) said that I hadn't to forget that my OH was working all day when I moaned about me having to get up to sort out the children through the night! (This was 20+ years ago)

My OH didn't (and still doesn't) do much, if any, house/garden work. I have always done it since we 1st married. I returned to work after DD1 for 6 months but found it too hard so left and became a SAHM till DD2 went to school and then only part time.

Millsmum - I note that you are on ML after your 2nd child. Are you stressed out about returning? Is there any chance you can become a SAHM full time?

The world will not fall apart if all the housework etc is not done, and if you have to leave things (like his work clothes) then OH will get the message eventually that you cannot be a supermum/wife all the time. You must try to talk to him (as garret1 explains) without getting upset (very hard) or argumentative. Try to get out as a couple - I'm sure someone will babysit for you - and make it an enjoyable evening without any references to your problems, it will help you both remember why you are together.

My OH doesn't complain about the state of the house (I now work FT) and if he did, I would just show him where the vacuum/dusters were!

I hope it all works out for you, and be positive in your thinking. ((((hugs)))) to you and your little ones.

filigree_2

wigginsmum wrote:

Same with us. Even when DH is off work for 6 weeks (teacher), I still come home from work to no dinner and no housework done. It'll get to 8ish and he'll say 'What are we planning for dinner?' And I'll say 'I dunno - what do you feel like cooking for me, as I've been at work all day?' And he says nothing and reaches for the takeaway menus ...

Mine won't even pick up the phone and order a takeaway because (quote) "I have to use the phone all day and I don't expect to have to do it in the evening".

We've tried most combinations of work/sahm and nothing changes. He did naff all when our son was born, I had a full time job, full time housework and fulltime childcare AND I was the major breadwinner and he sat on his butt and expected to be waited on hand and foot. When I stopped work it got even worse - I had more time for housework but I lost that little glimmer of respect you get when you bring money into the house. At one point I had a job and he didn't for about six weeks and he did nothing because he needed a "rest". From what?

That was the final straw and I asked for a divorce. Perhaps I'm not the best person to be offering advice because I didn't do so well

Having said that, I'd suggest that millsmum try Relate for advice. Even if hubby won't go along she can go alone, maybe if he sees she's serious it'll give him a wake up call and he will try to make things work.

loopy-loo73

Huge Hugs xxx
I'm sooo sorry you're feeling bad and i've read everyone's posts with interest. You can take or leave my advice i won't mind either way.
1. I think you need to make some time for yourself. Even if its just 30mins to sit and have a cuppa in peace. Is there somebody who can mind the kids for a bit?
2. You do need to speak to him. I agree the best way is "I feel ..." not "You make me feel ..."
3. If he refuses to listen, or he listens and you feel no better after talking to him then maybe you should try counselling. Relate may be able to help, you can always go by yourself if he won't come with you. At least this way he might realise there is a serious problem.
4. If all else fails then maybe he isn't the right man for you.
I left my husband when dd was 18months, she is now nearly 10.
I've been with same BF for past 8years & recently got engaged. We went though a bad patch a while ago & even split for a couple of months but when i explained how empty i was feeling he was so apologetic, he just didnt realise (men don't get hints!). I think the truth hit home when i explained i hadn't felt as lonely since i was with my ex!
Now we make time for "us" each week (my mum picks dd from school once a week), he does (almost) equal share of housework, and even though i still do most things for dd he does help a bit, much more than he used to.
Life is short ... you must have loved your husband to marry him & have your kids. It's worth trying to fix that. But if it won't fix, cut your losses & leave ... there might be somebody round the corner thats perfect just waiting.
Sorry if not everyone agrees ... just my experience / opinion.
Hope life gets better soon.
Lou x

starlite_2

Glad to hear others are in the same postion as me..
well not 'glad' because it sucks..but it's good to know..

as an example, last night I was up til 3am as the baby wouldn't sleep and was very active..I woke up again at 6am to throw up (i'm 11 weeks pregnant!)

Then O.H hassled and hassled and hassled (until I did) me to get up and make him a coffee/iron his work trousers at 7am.
He then fell back asleep and I had to drag him out of bed so he wasn't late for work..his coffee had gone cold and he had the cheek to ask me to make a fresh one..argh!!!!

he said 'you can go back to bed when I leave'..
my response..no i can't I'm now fully awake..and so will the baby be any minute now, you big jerk!

sorry to vent..

[Deleted User]

I've just read this thread and I can't believe how many of us can relate to each other.

There is some excellent advice on here. I don't think I can add anything else.

Congrats Starlite on your pregnancy, hope your fella get his !!!!!! in gear soon. I can't believe your fella was so insensitive when you had just been sick and expecting you to run around after him.

It doesn't suprise me though, I think most men unless they have done it themselves thinking a SAHM is a holiday!!