don't know what to do?

millsmum

I just need some adivce really. I am married with two childern dd 3yrs ds 8 months. I am still on maternity leave due back on the 2nd october. my relationship with my husband seems non existant. i feel that i am doing everything in the house, cooking cleaning making beds etc. he is ok with the kids when they are happy and doing as they are told.

i have had tonsillitis since last week and have been really ill. (feeling better today) I am the one that is still having to get up and sort things out in the night, feed the kids etc.

to the point on sunday morning ds woke at 5.30 am I got up fed him and put him back in his bed. he woke up about and hour and a half later and wanted to get up. he just wouldn't settle in our bed. so i had to get up. we had some choice words and havent spoken since.

am I over reacting or is this just a little unfair. I feel that I do not exist as a person. so day 2 of not talking i feel alone, and unhappy. same routine with the kids and no one to talk to.

if we split up (this is only the proverbiale straw) what am i entitled to? is it 70% of the house. how do i pay him out? what should he be paying me? I'm sure this will resolve itself but it might not. I can't keep on like this.

sorry for this, but i have noone else to really ask.

whatamess_2

(((((hugs)))))))) to you. there will be loads that come and talk to you on here.:D


Have you tried sitting and explaining how you feel?
Does he feel your not working at the mo so why should he do anything?
Try going on strike it worked for my kids.
Messy

garret1

You need to start talking. I went through something similar but we worked it out.
I think the problem is that being a sahm is generally pretty unrecognised. some men believe that actually earning money is the only way to prove your worth. Also I find that my OH doesn't actually see how much I do around the house and anyway he doesn't think housework really needs to be done.
It can all make you feel very undervalued. Plus if you're used to being out at work it can be hard to be alone with young kids all day.
Are you sure there isn't something else bothering him? At work maybe?
perhaps he feels under pressure to earn while you are off.
As regards splitting the house, you are usually only entilted to 50% though may sometimes claim for 60% if you have greater custody of the kids.
I hope it doesn't come to this but I do think this is a really common problem when kids are small.

I got my OH to realise what I was feeling when I explained that I consider staying at home to be my job. I do it well and look after kids and home to the best of my ability. for this I am unpaid so consider that the money he earns is shared. I never get holidays, sick leave etc so it is only fair that he helps out when his job finishes at 5.30. I would not expect his help if I lay about all day watching Trisha!

Hope things work out for you;)

Sallys_Savings

Hi,

*Super Duper Hug*

I'm afraid i havent a clue about the details concerning splitting up and the family home etc.

I'm sure many men don't really realise alot of the time how much it takes out of you looking after children. Also the change from leaving work and being in the home all day, can make you feel pretty lonely. (apologies to men who do that are reading this).
My other half didnt. To be fair, if you havent had the opportunity to tell him how you are feeling he can't change or help in any way. He probably thinks that you're coping really well and is leaving you to it.

One example is when I gave birth to my youngest (last of four children) he seemed to think because I had done it all before and managed he thought it would be a doodle that time too. Deciding that I had always managed perfectly ok and was going to a football match the afternoon I came out of hospital. (leaving me with four children under 5 years old). hhhhmm I did have a few choice words to say to him that day though lol.

Have you managed to talk to him ...that is without being upset/angry or crying? Try to talk to him once the children are in bed and you feel a little better (hopefully you will soon) so you can explain to him exactly how you feel. Or would it be better to have it written down and let him read it with you there, saying that it would save you getting upset?
Also, is there any chance that you're feeling low after the birth of your youngest?..if so talk to your health visitor or nurse. It doesn't necessarily have to be directly after the birth but can begin months after.
While you are ill, don't worry about the housework and try to be supermum ...it will wait.

Good luck *hugs*

millsmum

when i try and explain how i feel. he thinks i'm trying to blame him. i try and tell him that he makes me feel like.... and that is as far as i get. he thinks i need to sort my head out and that its always someone elses fault not mine. he also thinks that being nice to someone is kissing their bum and he says he is never going to do that. he hasn't always been like this.

I can't go on strike, I have cut down on stuff, his work stuff wasn't washed and ready for this morning which he grunted at. and i pulled the sex months ago.

if i look at his dad, he is just the same. never wrong, selfish, when he is wrong shouts very loudly!

what have i done. i just thought that i should be happy at this point in my life. i love my children but the rest of it feels empty. I blame walt disney!

Spendless

There's some selfish men about :rolleyes: and I'm including my own husband in this:D

When my husband did this to me not so long ago not only did we have words but when he came down with the same bug a few days later, I reminded him on several ocassions exactly what he had expected of me when I felt the way he currently did. I did get an apology and more help once he was better. Haven't been ill since but if/when I am and he starts I shall be reminding him of the previous occassion:D

Likewise we agreed that one of us could have a lie in on Saturdays the other Sundays but what was happening was hubby was having Saturday lie-in then when it got to Sunday he wasn't getting up either:mad: . Eventually I said I was having saturdays and he was to get up. This way he couldn't take 2 days of lie-ins and leave me with none.

Good luck lots of hugs (((((()))))

garret1

it really does sound like there's more to this... can you try talking to him without sounding accusatory? I know it's hard but try to start your sentences with " I feel ...." rather than "YOU....."
My OH was under alot of pressure last year with work and I was like the proverbial cat that got kicked. If things are off in the bedroom too it can be really difficult.... Once you're out of the way of it, through being knackered with kids etc it's hard to just pick up where you left off. Is there any way he would consider counselling. he needs to have a lightbulb moment about his behaviour and maybe if he knows the way you are thinking about leaving he will want to change...

WeirdoMagnet

Hugs to your millsmum. Grrr - Men!

You're not alone! Me & OH don't have kids, both work full time, but we have a frequent - erm - "discussion" about the fact that I do the majority of the household chores, planning, money management & admin, and that it is really not fair. It improves for a bit, and then I have to instigate another "discussion" as a reminder!

garret1 wrote:

try to start your sentences with " I feel ...." rather than "YOU....."

I agree - it's less antagonistic. Have a real good think about what you want to say, and 'make' him listen to what you have to say (maybe easier said and done!). If he takes on board how you really do feel, maybe he'll help a bit more.

Hugs again!

George

millsmum

i know that i will have to talk to him but why should it be me all the time. he will not appologise and i am sick of it. I know i should be the bigger person and just do it but i feel then he thinks hes got away with it. I want to push him for an argument because he then shows me some attention!

once upon a time he would buy me flowers, now i can't get an appology.

i do believe that part of it is because he is self employed and works on his own. he seems to have lost some grasp on reality. he hasn't got time for anyone never mind me. he has no patients and no tollerance.

[Deleted User]

((((HUGS))))

I've read your thread and I will post more later, my head hurts at the moment.

We are both having a bad day arnen't we?

Take Care
Bay

Anniek1969

I've got one pretty much the same, we decided that after working for 5 years and the kids being passed around family for work that he would work longer shifts and get rid of the car so I could be a SAHM. That was 6 years ago and I love being able to be at home with our 3 daughters. His problem is that because he works 12hr shifts he's knackered when he gets home. I don't ask him to help with the housework but he will occasionally wash the dishes or bath our youngest. He's a great dad and would do anything for his daughters but sometimes I feel that he's only here because of them.

He seems to think that my day is stress free and I've got so much free time that everytime he comes home I'm sitting in front of the computer. He doesn't realise that my job is 24hrs, I'm the one who gets up in the night with the little one and if she's ill then it's me that has to be there and nurse her better. He thinks that my job's soooo easy that it's really not a job. I've offered on several occassions to swap with him and let me go to work full time and him stay at home but this would drive him mad as he hates being stuck in the house. He comes home and eats his dinner and then he either watches football or goes on the computer and doesn't see where my problem is with that. I try to explain that being with a 3yr old all day and hardly speaking to anyone else I look forward to him coming home to have some adult conversation and some time together, his answer is that I should get out more and go visiting if I want some adult company. This would be hard as I don't have any friends or family close to me and even if they did they all work. Generally I go to bed before him and most nights i'm asleep before he comes to bed so you can imagine how intimate our relationship is. This happens every few months until I have to nag at him and point out how distant we have become with each other, then everything is great for a while until it all starts happening again.

He does love me and can be very romatic and when it's good it's really good, we've been together 22yrs so I know that it takes a lot of work to keep it fresh, but he just gets so stressed at work that he forgets to take time to look at life and what's important.

I think that could be the problem with your husband with him being self employed he's maybe afraid of failing and letting you and the kids down, you're going to have to talk to him, and reassure him that you support him 100% in his work and understand how hard he works but he needs to take time out to spend with you and the kids before life passes him by and the kids have grown up. You really need to try and get him to talk about what he feels and I know how hard that can be but maybe if your honest with him and tell him that you've considered leaving him it might be enough for him to wake up and realise how lucky he really is.