We'd like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum. This is to keep it a safe and useful space for MoneySaving discussions. Threads that are - or become - political in nature may be removed in line with the Forum’s rules. Thank you for your understanding.

don't know what to do?

1246

Comments

  • skylight
    skylight Posts: 10,716 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker Home Insurance Hacker!
    starlite wrote:
    Well said Margaret!

    In fact..despite his faults my OH is an amazing cook, and always comes home and cooks us a fantastic fresh meal..no matter how tired he his..he also does all the grocery shopping too..
    I sometimes have to battle him just so I can make dinner once in a while..teehee


    I bags the first SWAP!!!!!!
  • starlite_2
    starlite_2 Posts: 2,428 Forumite
    hahaha!

    It is great..last night he made us a watermelon, rocket, mint, radish, feta and cashew nut salad, with a fab dressing, and skewered chicken and mango pieces wrapped in bacon and wholegrain mustard...mmmmmmmmmmmm
    Membre Of Teh Misspleing Culb
  • margaretclare
    margaretclare Posts: 10,789 Forumite
    DH is a good cook too, although he says he can't be bothered with anything too complicated - but that's fine, neither of us want to spend hours preparing and cooking.

    He learned a lot from his dear old Bubba (his maternal granny). And he makes some fantastic beefburgers to her recipe. The last time he made them, they actually stuck together!! Even if they don't, they're still very nice, and full of good stuff, not like the things that are sold as beefburgers in the supermarkets.

    Margaret Clare
    [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Æ[/FONT]r ic wisdom funde, [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]æ[/FONT]r wear[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]ð[/FONT] ic eald.
    Before I found wisdom, I became old.
  • culpepper
    culpepper Posts: 4,076 Forumite
    Mine used to be like that.
    He used to say I wasnt pulling my weight as I was a SAHM.
    I did all the cleaning ,cooking,shopping,gardening ,childcare ,mending and felt like I was both mum and dad.
    He would comfort buy just because he had had a bad day at work.
    His mail was dropped where ever he opened it,his clothes were everywhere .
    He complained about the mess and lack of money.
    He worked nights on a 12hour shift system 5 days on 9 off,9 on,5 off
    I had 2 under 3 years old.
    His evening meal was always ready for him to heat in the microwave when he came home (next morning) .He would have his meal and climb into bed when i got up and would re-emerge about 30 minutes before going off to work again.
    He really did nothing and I sometimes had virtually to beg him to take them to the park for an hour so I could get some tidying done.
    One day we had a big row and I said that if he wanted to go ,then go because it wouldn't make any difference to us,we were a one parent family anyway. He was shocked and said he hadn't realised it was that bad.
    Well he's not perfect,who is?
    However since he realised he had not been the Husband/father figure,he had thought he was, he has improved. He now will cut the grass (when prompted) .He empties the bin in the kitchen and irons the kids and his own karate stuff and DS's shirts .
  • morlandbanks
    morlandbanks Posts: 261 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    oh big((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))). I don't really have any answers for you, but I have 2 children and let me tell you...It's hard!!! Having one child DOES NOT prepare you for having TWO children. It's really really hard and if you haven't got a supportive partner, it's even harder. You simply must sit down with hubby and talk to him about how you feel. You feel much the same as many mothers do - taken for granted, sooooooo tired, bored and isolated. Most of this WILL get easier as the younger child gets past the first year, but for the sake of your family (by that I mean you and your husband too) I hope you can try to get past this bad time. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There will be loads of us on here who are or have been where you are right now. The best thing I can say to you is, value yourself. You are a MOTHER. It's the hardest, most thankless, tiring, heartwrenching, all consuming job in the world. It's 24 hours a day, no breaks, no holidays, NO PAY. All you can do is tell YOURSELF just how amazing you are for dragging your tired butt out of bed every morning and doing the same damn thing all over again. And if the kids are really driving you nuts, don't forget that magical time that you can forgive them anything...When I've had a really bad day with them, I make a point of going into thier room when they're asleep and just looking at them for a moment. Look how beautiful those babies are. They won't be this young for long. Drink it in...They'll drive you crazy again tomorrow, but for that moment...They're angelic.
    My heart goes out to you. I hope you'll get through this together. x
    Live as if your were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever - Mahatma Gandhi
  • Mercenary
    Mercenary Posts: 627 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 500 Posts Photogenic Combo Breaker
    Most men simply don't DO hints or pick up on moods. They have to have something placed squarely in front of their faces to realise there's a problem (which can't possibly be their fault!). Then they just want to hide from it and wait 'til it goes away.

    I am very lucky to be a SAHM (and general dogsbody) and have always appreciated the fact that my OH has been willing to shoulder the financial burden all this time. BUT....It wasn't until our 3rd child was born that I finally got him to realise that I felt like the house slave most of the time and that he'd never tried being a Dad for the kids. He rarely actually talked to the boys, never played with them and would simply shout at them if they quarrelled as all kids tend to do. This was the pattern he'd learned from his father :doh: .

    When DD was born I'd had enough of having to be father and mother so I sat him down and asked him if he was unhappy with the dry distanced so-called 'relationship' he has had with his father, then why was he well on the way to repeating the cycle with his own sons? That made him think! I also said that this was his absolute last chance to create a bond with one of his children, so I suggested that he might try reading a story to DD at night and maybe look after the kids on Saturday afternoons for 2 hours while I escaped for some R&R.
    Dealing with 3 kids for 2 hours was a big shock to his system :eek: ...needless to say he couldn't do anything else during that time as that requires a multi-tasking ability apparently ;) .
    It became easier for him after a while and he was actually quite upset when DD decided she was too old for stories at bedtime.

    He still 'forgets' that I'm a (desirable? interesting?) woman so after I've had enough of blending into the walls I now let him know that he's slipped back into his old ways. I introduce myself to him i.e. " Hello. You may not recognise me, but I happen to be your wife" or simply stating boldly that I'm feeling ignored and lonely. He gets the message and things improve .......for a while........:undecided .
  • millsmum
    millsmum Posts: 216 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Combo Breaker
    I have taken this all in. I think that I just need to feel like its not just me that is in this situation. when i was at work i could go in rant and rave, then listen to everyone else do the same. when you can't do that everything seems to get out of prespective.

    I talked to him and he said that he wasn't selfish. he worked hard to make sure we all had money and something to fall back on. we worries about us and feels presured to keep doing it. he thought i over reacted, which i may have done at the time.

    so i am not leaving him.

    but you are all right. I need some time for me and some time just for us.

    men do not think like women!
  • morlandbanks
    morlandbanks Posts: 261 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    You can always come on here and rant and rave to us! I hope our replies have helped in some way. I hope you'll get a good nights sleep and that the little ones won't wake you too early tomorrow. x
    Live as if your were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever - Mahatma Gandhi
  • ruthyjo
    ruthyjo Posts: 483 Forumite
    Millsmum - if you think it's bad now wait until you get back to work. I think the problem with being on maternity leave/working less hours is that you do take on more of the home stuff and you never get rid of it again.

    I work a thirty hour week. My oh works 36 hours. It's amazing what I get into that six hours - all the cleaning, washing, cooking, household admin, childcare arrangements, childcare, everything that goes into runnig our home. I leave for work at six o'clockish in the morning so I can be home in time to collect the kids from their childcare after work. He lies in bed until the last minute and well beyond it before getting up with the kids so the kids go to school in a state, the house is left a tip etc. I put their cereal in bowls etc before I go out because I'm scared they might not get any otherwise. Then at night I'm up later than him to process the ironing, sort out everything from school etc.

    I'm permanently exhausted. Husband says it's my fault as he doesn't care if the kids eat junk, the house is dirty, nothing is ironed etc and I only do these things because I want to. Going it alone sometimes seems tempting but I'd still have all the same stuff to do, the children would suffer and we'd be broke.

    If there's anyway you can confront these issues before you go back to work I would. Otherwise life just gets tougher. I work in an environment where there are plenty of women with reasonably well paid and demanding jobs and the sad thing is we all feel the same.
  • whitty999
    whitty999 Posts: 4,024 Forumite
    Chin up hun i know its hard.Also to other mse members come chat here so much help and friendliness
    x
    Lucky No27
    .D.E.F..H..J.K.L.M.N.O.P.Q.R..U..X.Y.Z
    V,T,B,S,A,C,I,G,W
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 346.7K Banking & Borrowing
  • 251.4K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 451.5K Spending & Discounts
  • 238.9K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 614.5K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 174.9K Life & Family
  • 252.2K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 16K Discuss & Feedback
  • 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards

Is this how you want to be seen?

We see you are using a default avatar. It takes only a few seconds to pick a picture.