don't know what to do?

Savvy_Sue

millsmum I'm glad that you've been able to talk a little bit. It does sound like your husband is the classic 'provider' figure, expects that bringing in the money is enough. Relate may be helpful, they'll see you on your own even if he doesn't want to go. But I would also talk to your HV, as you do sound as if you could be depressed. Do you get out to toddler groups? I found that helped my sanity - at least I could see that other people's children were more ghastly than mine! :rotfl:

Viz_2

OP sorry to hear things have got so bad. Maybe you should go on strike or something. But tell him first so he knows whats coming.

As a male i'd just like to say we aren't all the same.

I have a full time job working nights. I cook every week night for my wife-to-be and place it on the table as she walks in from work.
I do any DIY thats needed. I do the washing, vacuuming etc..
I look after the garden (fairly small though). And I entertain our 4 year old daughter once I pick her up from school. Also put her to bed and read her story's (when not working). I also sleep sometimes :rolleyes:

:money: :T :money: :T :money:

lilac_lady

Men who don't take their share of helping out when they see their OH is tired/ill are truly selfish and don't deserve a family life. Talk's cheap when they're forced to apologise (if ever) but actions speak louder than words. If he loved you he would care for you and not treat you like that. Leave now, or better still, make him leave now. He won't change.

filigree_2

ruthyjo wrote:

Husband says it's my fault as he doesn't care if the kids eat junk, the house is dirty, nothing is ironed etc and I only do these things because I want to.

If I were you I would abruptly stop "wanting" to iron his clothes - see how he likes that!

I think the problem with the person who doesn't do the cleaning is that if they don't do the work or see it done, they have this weird blind spot that means they don't actually believe it is being done. If the fairies always put loo roll on the holder they never ever question how it gets there. It's easy for him to say he doesn't mind if the house is dirty because he's never seen it truly dirty. He'd get a horrible shock if you really did stop doing the work.

1sttimer_2

I think the problem with the person who doesn't do the cleaning is that if they don't do the work or see it done, they have this weird blind spot that means they don't actually believe it is being done. If the fairies always put loo roll on the holder they never ever question how it gets there. It's easy for him to say he doesn't mind if the house is dirty because he's never seen it truly dirty. He'd get a horrible shock if you really did stop doing the work.[/QUOTE]

LOL we have lots of 'fairies' in our house too! Has your oh ever seen the work being done and said 'leave it, I'll do it for you' and then doesn't do it! That makes me so mad:mad:

Mercenary

Savvy_Sue wrote:

It does sound like your husband is the classic 'provider' figure, expects that bringing in the money is enough.

I agree. That is a VERY difficult trait to deal with. My OH was absolutely taken aback one day when I informed him, explosively :mad: , that just being the breadwinner does NOT a marriage relationship make.
He based everything on his (much older) parents' example of a marriage and had assumed that as long as he provided for us adequately that his contribution was done. The concept of being actively involved in creating a loving, mutually supportive family was alien to him as he'd never experienced that when he was growing up :huh: .
He still struggles with this and sometimes I wonder if I can be bothered to keep striving to make it work after all these years of trying to teach an old dog new tricks. But then another day dawns and I carry on somehow :rolleyes2 .

Sometimes it's better the devil you know........

roni.b

hi there
hope things are better for you at home. i've been there done it had t-shirt and finally gave him it back. i have 2 children 8 and 9 breast fed both cos he said we had to i slept in nursery till both kids were 4 month got up each night quite demanding of the kids and because i didnt go out to work he felt justified in expressing discontent every time i so much as bought a glossy mag which was a luxury for me normally bought bella.

we tried to keep the marriage going for the last 6 years but really i should have got out when things were going wrong but with postnatal depression and 2 kids under 2 insecurity plays a big part of it and also i live a long way away from family.
we have just seperated after 13 years together and i have sought leagal advice and im entitled to 70% of house.
He doesnt want this and wants to go 50/50 on all debts that he incurred for us and 50/50 on house
he sees kids one night a week from 3.30 till dropping hem off to school. however this has to be convenient for him and if he makes prior arrangements wont have them
cant force him into doing so and wont. his loss not mine.
on that note also i wouldnt fight for custody over them neither it would solely have to be their decision.

Hopefully you can work things out and that you keep your chin up hard to do sometimes when feeling frumpy and a vending machine.

As the kids get slighty older you will feel more enabled to go and find your self a part time job if you dont feel up to going back to work just now
i know im not to helpful and im sorry to rant on bout my hopefully ex hubby soon (then he may give me the key back to house and stop using my internet)
take care
and give yourself and babies hugs
roni

pdoff

big hugs to all. millsmum i can totally relate - ds1 is nearly 4 & ds2 is nearly 8 months. i recently went back to work part time & it is much better. i do 6-9pm mon-thurs & 1 sat morning in 3 when mum has the boys as dh works. it is great to be me & not someone's mum, to have adult conversations & just generally get a break. while on maternity leave i did everything, now at least he has to bath boys & put them to bed 4 nights a week! (between me leaving house at 5.30 & bedtime he sits on comp & lets them amuse themselves though but at least he is in the same room & not down the garage like he was when i was there!) the only thing he does in house is put the wheelie bin out (when he remembers) & says "I put the bin out 4 u" 4 me? is it all my rubbish? i think not! anyhoo, i stopped doing as much in the house as i think spending time with the kids is more important (ds1 at playgroup at the mo & ds2 asleep so am on here getting some sanity back, this is the only thing i do 4 myself - how sad is that?!!). he nt noticed how dirty things have got so that backfired a bit, was hoping he would do something! 2 weeks ago i broke down saying i couldnt cope & he said he would wash tea things while i at work. nowt been done yet. have left them last few days to see if he got the message but all thats happened is i now have loads to do b4 we can have tea as run out of forks!
ds2 is a bad sleeper so am very tired, but even in day he only naps for 20 mins or so so not really time to get my head down. after last argument (we have same one every 6 months or so about how he loves his cars more than he loves us as he spends more time with them etc, & lots more money on them btw!) he now does get up in night fri & sat but i have to kick him awake first. its the principle though, at least he does it. he does spend all sunday morning in bed to make up for it though.
if i say anything he just says it's me as he works hard all day so he should be able to rest when he comes home. when do i rest exactly? he just got pay rise so says i can give up work if i want - no way! he would go back to doing nothing with the kids! we agreed on 1 family day a week, well sunday afternoon as me & the boys go to church in the morning, but that hasn't happened for a while as he had car shows to go to. he says he now sees them on evening so is ok. i say that is not family life, that is divorced family life if they never see us together!
i was told by friend (who thinks i should leave him btw!) that i should write down exactly what i do & put a price next to it, such as childminder, taxi service, cleaner, cook etc & then he'd see that if he had to pay someone to do what i do he couldn't afford it therefore my job IS as important/hard as his if not more so. never got round to it though!
probably none of this helps but at least u can see u r not alone. if u need to chat or just have a moan (i find it helps to email friend, even if she doesnt read it, just feels good to let it out) u can always pm me. i normally check on here while kids eating breakfast if no other time.
let us know how u get on.

patchwork_cat

Hi
This may not be the right thread to say this , but I just thought that I should say not all men are like this. My husband is great - yes we row, yes he can be grumpy and no he doesn't work well on his own initiative, but he is great.

He hoovers, as I have sciatica - admittedly I have to remind him. He does a lot of the cooking, he'll put a wash in - He doesn't dust or clean though unless nagged to give a hand.

He did help a lot when the kids were babies - his far share of nappies when at home.

His attitude and mine are that when he gets home why should I still be working- he should too.

Incidentally - Both my grandfathers prepared all the veg and did the washing up - admittedly they were both retired but had always done it despite being a headmaster and a doctor. They would be well over 100 if still alive. One Grandpa did all the cooking and cleaning as my Grandma had a stroke. So there have always been men that help out.

Anniek1969

Yeah you're right there are some good men out there, my SIL's partner has always looked after the children including mine when I worked, changed nappies, bottle fed them, made bottles, cooked the meals,done the shopping and all the other bits while she sat on her backside doing nothing until around 6.30pm when she'd get ready and go to the bingo and then the pub and then the local nightclub and would wander home at around 3.00am. At that time he didn't work and she's never worked apart from about 6 months she worked in a pub.

He now works full time, gets up around 6.30am and works seven days a week if there's enough overtime going, the kids are all older now 21,18 and 16 and he still comes in and cooks the dinner, washes the dishes and if the kids haven't done the shopping earlier he does it. She sits around all day watching tv in her dressing gown, admittedly she does hoover and dust now but she still lets him do everything and he doesn't seem to mind. I've told her numerous times over the years how lucky she is to have a man like him but she's never appreciated it. Don't think he realises that there are loads of women out there that would jump at the chance to have a man like him. TBH I don't know why he's stuck by her all this time as she treats him like dirt.

Mines not quite as good around the house as he is but I don't think i'll bother trading him in, as I said to my friend getting rid of him and starting all over again would be like getting rid of your old dog and getting a puppy. Like someone else said better the devil you know.