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Advice on Child Maintenance please!
Comments
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Miss Montana
the reason I say that I think you should go direct to the csa as although they can be a bit rubbish at times they know their stuff and it avoids A LOT of hassle in negotiations with the nrp. Also they can investigate his pay rates directly so you would get a FAIR estimate of what he could afford/should pay.
My ex didn't even want to give me cash when we split up and opted for buying me groceries. Hence why I went to the csa as far as I was concerned I needed to set something up that would last us until my son was 16/18 and not have a constant need for interaction/conflict between us. We get on well now but at the time he was very controlling and naturally this was pretty much the only way he could continue this behaviour.
).
Exactly, I don't think we'd ever have come to an agreement. And my ex has never even offered to buy me a bag of groceries, which would have been greatly appreciated on many occasions!!Be who you are, say what you feel, those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind.They say that talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness. So I talk to the cats instead.0 -
missmontana wrote: »I understand where his priorities lie.. obviously with his new life. I don't have a problem with that and have no desire to maintain some sort of hold over him at all! (we have both moved on) If that was the case I'm sure I could make life alot more difficult, judging by your responses I feel you have some experience of this?!!
snip
I'd still like to know what you mean by pay and go dad, does this mean you pay for your child but don't see them??
In effect yes, don't resist paying, don't fight for access
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Not everybody is paternal , and the 'hassle' recieved from visiting and when visiting I can hand on heart say was not worth it for me. I'm not unique but probably luckily a rareity 0 -
In effect yes, don't resist paying, don't fight for access.
Not everybody is paternal , and the 'hassle' recieved from visiting and when visiting I can hand on heart say was not worth it for me. I'm not unique but probably luckily a rareity
I'm sorry to hear that, its a shame for both you and your child, but I understand you don't need the grief. I've never been like that with my ex, but who knows how things will be now. At least you are doing right by providing for your child.Be who you are, say what you feel, those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind.They say that talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness. So I talk to the cats instead.0 -
missmontana wrote: »Thanks for that link Mommy.
RedSky, he has been in the child's life for most of it, but it is not until now that I have asked for money that he has decided he wants responsibility! It feels to me like he wants some sort of ownership and almost as if he is saying I have to give him what he wants, before he will agree to pay out. I have managed perfectly well on my own all this time, so what he could add in terms of responsibility? i don't know!! ( he added the other day, if was promoted and transferred, he could use the child as a reason not to be moved. charming. )
Also, from his earnings he gets his student loan repayed, does the CSA take this into consideration?
I'm a PWC....but I see your ex's point above as being perfectly valid. If he was say transferred half way around the world, or somewhere within the UK that would make it impossible to be a part of his child's life - wouldn't it be nice if he could say he couldn't go as he has a child here he wishes to maintain a relationship with?
My children's father is in Canada - we were married, his name is on the birth certificate - he has a genuine interest in his children's future - and can communicate with the school (though they know the children live with me), he gets mailed report cards etc., and it encourages helping him feel a part of the children's lives. If he was not automatically entitled to that, then I'm sure that he would feel like a money source (even though he's not paying right now but another story).
If the shoe were on the other foot, would you want parental responsibility? And if so....what would your reasons be?
He can't use it as bribery however - the child support is purely due to the fact that he has a child with you and is partly responsible for the financial needs of that child.0 -
He wouldn't be transferred around the world, the examples he gave me were still in the same county!!
He struggles at the moment due to his job to find time to have a relationship in the first place, he is more than welcome to participate in any way possible, but sadly, unlike your ex he doesn't. Like I said before, he's never even asked to see a school report or attend any performances/work shops held at the school.
It was a bit of a slap in the face that he would think of using our child just to satisfy his own wants/needs. This is what he is like! Its all about painting the right picture to the outside world rather than thinking about what really matters.:(Be who you are, say what you feel, those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind.They say that talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness. So I talk to the cats instead.0 -
Well, you now have the option to accept what he's offering or go to the CSA. Depends on whether you think what he's offering is reasonable.
You can always tell him that you're very disappointed that he doesn't seem to want to work with you on this so to keep it simple you're going to go via the CSA for a formal calculation but that you will always be open to negotiating a private arrangement.
As for the PR, he would then have to make the effort to persuade you without resorting to blackmail.
Stay on the side of the angels and make sure it's entirely up to him as to how difficult and costly he makes it for himself.
BTW I suggested the P60 because it's slightly less intrusive than a current payslip but gives an accurate figure for his previous years earnings, he may have had a payrise since so he could benefit from this.Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants - Michael Pollan
48 down, 22 to go
Low carb, low oxalate Primal + dairy
From size 24 to 16 and now stuck...0 -
When you're not on the receiving end, its very easy to come out with comments like "the rates aren't very high".
Your friends pays £300 a month when the child is only at the other parents 6 days extra out of 28. That sounds a lot to me. They almost have shared care.
Lol my friend has a take home pay of over $3000/month after tax and the partner is a sahp I think in that respect £300 seems more than fair to nrp.MSE PARENT CLUB MEMBER.ds1 nov 1997ds2 nov 2007:jFirst DDFirst DD born in june:beer:.0 -
Quick update, as he spat the dummy out the other night, I am going to the CSA.
In his words "sod it,let the CSA sort it out" His wish is my command...
He's tried to back track, bit I am not falling for it.
Will let you know how it goes and what the final outcome is. good or bad.Be who you are, say what you feel, those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind.They say that talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness. So I talk to the cats instead.0 -
stand firm with a BIG smile
Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants - Michael Pollan
48 down, 22 to go
Low carb, low oxalate Primal + dairy
From size 24 to 16 and now stuck...0 -
missmontana wrote: »Quick update, as he spat the dummy out the other night, I am going to the CSA.
In his words "sod it,let the CSA sort it out" His wish is my command...
He's tried to back track, bit I am not falling for it.
Will let you know how it goes and what the final outcome is. good or bad.
In the long run it will be better for you all, as there will be less 'arguing' 0
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