New year, New me (finally)

thrifty_fifty

Much better day today, looking forward to OH coming home, and best of all taking £100 off that total above , the DD doesn't come out until tomorrow, but I might be too busy to change it then and I wanted to see it coming down. Will be nice to get it down to 11k with the March pay packet.Received a great response back from River Cottage re selling some of my home made goodies at their autumn fair next year. Wahoo!

Have a great day everyone

thrifty_fifty

Well I let myself slip. I had a bid on a top to wear, when I go out for a friends birthday, placed my bid, thinking I was bound to get outbid and guess what? I didn't. £18, with delivery. I've definitely caught the guilt, after what was such a good day. Feel sick to my stomach, I've let me down, OH down, what a spoiled brat. Well all I can do is wear it, and get it straight back on ebay after the event. Selling some other things besides. Making a pact with myself now, that I will not spend on clothing I don't need, for the rest of the year. By need I mean, when my jeans get so holey I can't wear them anymore, or if my tights get a hole in them, or my bras fall apart, and just when I had crossed out the old amount on one of my credit cards. I'll pay extra off it next month to cover the cost, plus what I sell it for when I pop it back on ebay, plus the other things I'm going to sell. Really let myself down. What an idiot.

thrifty_fifty

Well, that was a really clever move. Now I can't sleep for the guilt of the sheer idiocy of bidding on that item. I really do cringe at myself now, what a self indulgent moron I've been. Treating myself to all these things, I mean really! Is this part of getting better? Maybe my sane person is struggling to surface after all these years. I would be quite happy now to flog all of this stuff, have a wardrobe of half a dozen t-shirts and a pair of jeans, and just live a really simple, frugal life. The way I feel at the moment, I wouldn't care if I never saw a shop again. All the heartache, the bags under the eyes that I'll have tomorrow, and all for what, a few bits of material? Maybe I've just gone too far the other way now. I'm actually begrudging spending money in the restaurant for the birthday bash, because I know that the kind of food they will serve and charge £9 for, I could make at home for around £1.50. I feel like any kind of spending that isn't absolutely needed is a frivolous waste, I just don't want to spend a single penny. Wish I could sleep.

thrifty_fifty

Well, still not asleep, mind is going crazy now. Seriously considering cancelling out on the birthday bash. I really can't afford it, and it isn't just the meal, there is laserquest before and then three hours inbetween the end of that and the start of the meal, which is bound to mean more drinks so looking at a minimum spend of £30. I don't mind going out, but why couldn't they just do a meal, or go for a few drinks at the pub? I've suddenly become all too aware of the value of money and that £18 for the top seems like an absolute fortune (maybe getting my toiletries as freebie samples isn't doing me too much good), I'm comfortable spending £3 on neccessities but start getting above that, and the guilt starts eating away at me. Is this what not being able to sleep does to you? I must sound like a crazy person. I think I got used to those amounts when I was in my spending frame of mind, but now, no way. And those clothes and shoes in my wardrobe are like a chain around my neck. I just want them gone. Maybe I'll try reading to get off to sleep.

thrifty_fifty

Sorry about my various posts tonight. Blubbing like a baby here. I didn't think this would be such an emotional rollercoster. I've been fine all day, and would have been if I hadn't bid on that thing. Well that's it, I'm taking everything out of the drawers tomorrow night, photographing the lot and sticking it on ebay. So what if I have to wear some doudy things for a while, all this dressing up and preening. To be fair it really isn't me. I'm a simple girl at heart, I'm sick of the makeup and hair straightening and presenting an image. Ok I am starting to sound crazy now. I feel like I just need maybe a week to shut myself away, and do nothing but eat some good food, and read some books.

thrifty_fifty

Ok,

Got myself in a position where I can get to sleep now. All the above is probably going to look quite crazy in the morning. Probably just a case of needing to go to sleep and being over emotional because of lady time. I guess this might be a reaction to finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had a little hiccup today, but I'll be fine. I'm working towards a goal, and I already have the correct attitude (ie the guilt), to set me on my way. Getting rid of this debt also signifies moving on with my life and leaving the past behind, finally. Although I had counselling at the time, I dealt with the problems then by giving myself lots of things to do, so I had no time to think, putting on the hard hat and full steam ahead. This is the first year where I'm deliberately not studying, I'm starting to feel comfortable in my job, and sat and read a fiction book in bed for the first time in years. I'm relaxing, so maybe all that undealt with stuff is just coming out, where it didn't have a chance to before. I've had a lovely day today with OH. I'll survive, I'll come out the other end of this and be fine. Night night.

thrifty_fifty

Apologies for the crazy rantings last night folks. Think I had a slight over reaction there, which is good in some ways and not in others (I'm going to have to get creative with the concealer this morning, to hide these bags). I had a slip, no one said the road was going to be a smooth one, but clearly I'm headed in the right direction.As long as I'm sensible from here on, I should have myself sorted in no time.

Tonights plan is to start looking for the better paying job that I deserve, to help bust those totals a bit quicker. House is the goal, so lets get to it.

Bleugh!!!! Monday morning.

thrifty_fifty

Much better now. 1st item on ebay. Hope it sells. The thought of getting money is so much better than spending it.

mrs_robinson_3

Sounds like you're having a tough time, thrifty.

It does get easier, shaking off the speding addiction, I promise. Am living on a much reduced budget now am paying off my debts, and finding it makes me more creative and life seems much richer and more rewarding, somehow. Still have wobbles, and still spend a little money sometimes, but not like I used to. It's tough, but focus on those long term goals - they mean so much more than the small stuff you're denying yourself now. You just need to find ways to enjoy yourself that replace spending - cooking, working on your allotment, reading.....all better than a bottle of Dewberry for you right now!

You can do it

Mrs R

Shoe_Gal

Have read your diary all through. Please don't be so hard on yourself, you are doing really well. I think you are amazing to have come so far and fought back from an awful situation :A