Children left at home alone

looby75

Hi Hippychick

I can completely understand why you are worried and if I were in your shoes I would be feeling exactly as you are right now too.

That said I think what you really need to do is talk to your ex about this. How did you find out about ex leaving the kids at home, how often does this happen, is it possible that it's only in case of something they really need (not saying that makes it ok but it could put it into perspective a little bit)

I know you are angry and worried right now but please don't do anything in regards to stopping your children from seeing their dad until you have had chance to talk to him about your concerns.

ford_prefect_3

hippychick1 wrote: »

I always read this forum, and think the advice given is fab, so am just after a little advice.

I have just discovered that when my ex has our children (7, 4 and 2) he occasionally pops down the shop (2 mins away) and leaves DS1 'in charge'. I am absolutely gobsmacked at this, and plan to speak to him about it when I see him again this week. How can he think this is ok?

There have been a couple of other issues with him concerning the children, and I am seriously considering not letting him see the children anymore. I know I cannot dictate how he sees fit to bring our children up when I am not around, but honestly, at the minute I am fuming. Please someone tell me if I am over reacting? I know deep down I wouldn't stop contact and this is just an inital kneejerk reaction from just finding out they are left alone for 5 minutes at a time. I just felt sick when I found out, anything could happen in those 5 minutes!!!!!!

So your thinking of stopping contact and yet deep down you know you wouldnt?

Deal with the issue at hand first and if there is a genuine safety issue then look at the contact arrangements.

How would your children feel if you stopped them seeing Daddy? Especially as your eldest feels quite proud of being given the responsibility.

If you go straight down the contact blocking route it will probably end up court with stress, costs and all the rest when a simple conversation or letter if you dont speak could resolve the issue.

In terms of whether its acceptable to leave kids alone at that age, my view is no, but given we have a couple of celebrity kid losers who thinks its "acceptable parenting" to go off and have dinner in a distant restaurant and leave kids under 4 to babysit themselves for extended periods different parts of society have different viewpoints.

hippychick1

pulliptears wrote: »

playing Devils advocate...

Yes, I would be annoyed and I wouldn't have left mine at that age BUT think about your everyday routine. Are the children alone for 5 minutes while you peg out the washing for example?

Its not acceptable, but I don't feel it's worth going OTT about if he genuinely is "just 5 minutes". A quiet word would suffice IMO

I have had the same thoughts too, which is why I was wondering if I was overreacting. I think I need to question him about it, and make sure he knows I don't want it to happen again. Everything has been amicable between us since September, when we split up, until last week, when we had a huge argument, and haven't spoken since. I just want to get us speaking again, but this is going to make the situation worse, though I know I need to have it out with him.

Alcohol is, and always has been, a big issue with us. He doesn't see he has a problem, because he drinks in the evenings. He thinks it is only a problem when you're drinking whisky by the bottle during the day.

It is so difficult, when we both have very different views on how to bring our children up!!!

Apricot

I definitely think this is unacceptable. A friend of mine went through a similar thing when her dd(6) told her teacher when asked to think of a time that they felt lonely that "daddy left her to go to the shop". My friend was then called into the school regarding this and after speaking to her dd realised that it must have been for quite a significant amount of time as she had watched 2 different tv programs whilst he was gone!

My friend was absolutely mortified and when she discussed it with him he admitted he does it quite a lot and was a while because he got talking to an old friend. In her situation he only has supervised contact now, she drops her daughter to his mums where he comes and spends the day with her but she has stopped all overnight visits as he still doesn't understand that what he did was unacceptable.

I would say talk to him and see what he has to say about the matter but I do believe that for the time being contact should be reduced so that he doesn't HAVE to go to the shop whilst he has the children, he can wait for them to leave and then go.

hippychick1

ford_prefect wrote: »

So your thinking of stopping contact and yet deep down you know you wouldnt?

Deal with the issue at hand first and if there is a genuine safety issue then look at the contact arrangements.

How would your children feel if you stopped them seeing Daddy?QUOTE]


The thought of stopping him seeing the children has passed through my mind, but I honestly think I could not do that to my children. We have almost 50/50 shared care of the children, but lately he is complaining that 'I (as in me) have it easy', most dads he knows who are separated from their partners have their children every other weekend. He is basically fed up of looking after his children, as he has a girlfriend and her children to take up his time. He doesn't see that he is lucky that we have split amicably, and we both see the children quite a lot. Up until this week, I was proud that we seemed to have managed an amicable split, and the children have coped ok so far.

pramsay13

This is a current debate in our house.
I have a 2 year old and a 4 month old. My wife is a social worker so completely aware of the law and problems when care is not being taken.
There are plenty of times when I am in the house alone with the two children, and I will not see either of them for an hour or two at a time (during nap time for the younger one), the older one might be playing in his room with his train set.
If I am out the back garden doing something is that okay?
If I am in the garage doing something for half an hour is that okay?
If I am going to the shop at the end of the road is that okay?
At the minute we draw the line at leaving the property, so garden or garage are okay, but not the shop.
I want my children to grow up with a bit of freedom and learning responsibility from a very young age as I did, but obviously society has changed and there are different pressures on parents nowadays.
It's tricky for us even though my wife and I are in agreement on this kind of thing, so it must be a nightmare if you don't get on famously and are trying to deal with parenting issues.
In this instance though I think a quiet word should suffice, pointing out the relevant legislation, but not much more than that in this instance. Obviously if you have other concerns then you should weigh everything up.

Alikay

I agree with ford prefect: Of course the kids shouldn't be left alone but your ex just needs you to calmly point out the law and how parenting practices have changed since he was a nipper (I was also raised by a generation who considered it was OK to leave babies outside shops in their prams, toddlers sleeping while they popped next door for a drink or 10 year olds babysitting younger siblings :eek:). Most of us know how risky that behaviour is now - your ex just needs to be told. Stopping contact without explaining and asking him to change is harsh on him and could be devastating for your kids

PurpleJay

Pramsay13 - Tell me you are kidding right? You leave a 2 year old to play for an hour or two in their room without seeing them????

I find this quite shocking - is it just me? I have a 3 year old and unless he is asleep, I would check on him every 10-15 mins and even then keep an ear out. He can be playing very nicely and then decide to unravel a whole loo roll or something unpredicatable.

OP - no you are not overreacting - to leave the 7 year old alone while he popped to the shop would be unacceptable, let alone leaving him in charge. Only you can judge (as you know your ex) whether a quiet word or a solicitors letter is the best option. Good luck with that.

paddy's_mum

Why on earth does a grown man need anybody to point out the blindingly obvious? :mad:

I'd be blowing steam if this was my children unless he can show that a 7 year old is capable of picking up and carrying out both his younger siblings in the event of disaster, say a fire.

Doesn't this imbecile watch the news or programmes like last week's Crimewatch? I would be stopping contact now - tonight - and telling him why.

Presumably, his girlfriend would be just as happy if she trusted him with her children and they died in a housefire while he was away up the street dealing with more 'important' things than the safety of her home and children. I'd also bet money that if he had found out that you had done this, you'd be facing loud cries of unfit mother.

Sometimes, words fail me and this is one of those times.

ford_prefect_3

hippychick1 wrote: »

ford_prefect wrote: »

So your thinking of stopping contact and yet deep down you know you wouldnt?

Deal with the issue at hand first and if there is a genuine safety issue then look at the contact arrangements.

How would your children feel if you stopped them seeing Daddy?QUOTE]


The thought of stopping him seeing the children has passed through my mind, but I honestly think I could not do that to my children. We have almost 50/50 shared care of the children, but lately he is complaining that 'I (as in me) have it easy', most dads he knows who are separated from their partners have their children every other weekend. He is basically fed up of looking after his children, as he has a girlfriend and her children to take up his time. He doesn't see that he is lucky that we have split amicably, and we both see the children quite a lot. Up until this week, I was proud that we seemed to have managed an amicable split, and the children have coped ok so far.

OK, your ex clearly isnt the sharpest tool in the shed, I bet if he asked his mates and told them how much time he has with the kids they would be wishing they had the same.

If your split is reasonably amicable then do try to keep it that way, I speak from the experience of 7 odd years of court contact battles from my practice marriage, and even though I did the legals myself it isnt worth it.

I doubt he wants the time to spend with his new girlfriend and her kids, probably wants to be down the pub with his mates moaning that he doesnt get to see the kids as much!

If you block contact there goes shared care and he get a free "victim" card to play for as long as the kids depend on the parents in there lives.