Miscarriage support

sweaty_betty

Toooldforthis wrote: »

Hugs to everyone xx I'm still struggling after my 3rd one and keep thinking how many weeks I shouldhbe :-( ...... !we are thinking of trying again but as the results told us it was all ok ie not recognised condition mI'm so scared :'(:'( and dont want to get to stressed as that will make it worse ...any advice ladies ? X

I'm not sure I have any advice, but feel similar. After my early miscarriage I was on "knicker watch" for the first 12 weeks and worried sick all that time. After losing them after the 20w point and well into the "safe zone" I can't imagine how I'll be feeling if/when there's a next time.

I can see me desperately trying to not emotionally connect with a new baby during pregnancy to stop myself getting too attached so I can cope better if it doesn't work out, although I'm not sure that's healthy either!

Personally I'm going to try to take things a day/week at a time, not allow myself to day dream about what might be, not buy anything until there's a decent chance of them living if born at that point (in my head that's from 32 weeks onwards, for some reason), not even thinking about names. I can't really think of anything else. I long for the relatively stress-free pregnancy with my little boy, I didn't know how good I had it...

sweaty_betty

just_trying wrote: »

Hi to foft, try I'm giving you positive vibes. I wish you the best. My OH has said he doesn't want to try again due to my "health". I think it's broken my heart, if I'm honest which I feel I can maybe be honest here. Just so much has gone on this year and he's older than me. Maybe 2013 is unlucky for me, depression is getting the better just now. I wish you the best take care.

I'm so sorry, I remember how desperate I felt when my OH said he wasn't sure if he could go through it again.

We started 2013 saying that it HAS to be a better year than 2012 (miscarriage, OH mum dying) and 2011 (don't even want to go there!) and so far, it's been worse than we could have imagined.

Depression is not unusual for those of us who have gone through something like this. Probably more likely if we're prone to it or have experienced it before. I'm focusing on getting it under control at the moment - I'm big believer in trying all sorts of methods, drugs, talking therapies etc to see what works best. Maybe if you feel that you're getting it under control, not only will you feel better but your OH will see you're "better" than you were, then you can have the conversation about trying again again?

I'm not sure what else to suggest, but please get help if you're feeling depressed, this situation we find ourselves in can be a very lonely place and we often have to practically fight ourselves out of it. I really feel for you. Please come on here to talk if you need to.

sweaty_betty

Toooldforthis wrote: »

Hugs to everyone xx I'm still struggling after my 3rd one and keep thinking how many weeks I shouldhbe :-( ...... !we are thinking of trying again but as the results told us it was all ok ie not recognised condition mI'm so scared :'(:'( and dont want to get to stressed as that will make it worse ...any advice ladies ? X

One more thing to add - with my LO and then the twins I lost we found out the gender. I think next time (if there is one) I won't find out.

just_trying

Thanks Betty, I just feel I'm in turmoil just now, don't know what to do. My OH has made it quite clear as hard as it is he doesn't want to try again due to his age. My heart breaks, nd yes I,m a weirdo as some say and yes see how many weeks I would be. Love yo you all xx.

sweaty_betty

just_trying wrote: »

Thanks Betty, I just feel I'm in turmoil just now, don't know what to do. My OH has made it quite clear as hard as it is he doesn't want to try again due to his age. My heart breaks, nd yes I,m a weirdo as some say and yes see how many weeks I would be. Love yo you all xx.

From what I can see there's nothing weird about how you're feeling (or if there is, then I'm weird too!). I'm actively trying to stop thinking about how many weeks I would have been. (It was bad enough when I realised the weekend I lost the boys would've been the due date of my earlier pregnancy if it had worked out.) But it's a completely natural thing to do, especially when you've had so many hopes and dreams focusing on reaching your due date.

It might not help, but once I had a short term fix for my depressive feelings (ie drugs) I mentally sat down, drew a line under what had happened (only temporarily, I don't think I could ever do that) long enough to think about what I wanted going forward and how I was going to get there. I decided that even if I couldn't persuade OH to try again, I wanted to feel emotionally better (drugs, talking to people, therapy etc), understand what physically went wrong so I wasn't blaming myself (we had this in some form in our meeting with the consultant a week or two ago), and to physically feel better (I've had a complete MOT and am now taking supplements, antibiotics etc to get myself back to some kind of health). I'm hoping that once I've given myself time to "heal" in that sense I'll be in a better place to think about TTC or having another discussion. I can't deal with the thought that I may not have another child right at the moment, but I can deal with the other stuff. The TTC stuff for me needs to wait until I'm strong enough to think about it properly.

Sending you a big hug. Please get all the help you need.

just_trying

I know Betty, OH mums husband died last year and oh mum is on the phone every night before and after she's on the phone even though there's other children. She has annoyed me as she has brought OH down he's admited it and me. She seems like his no1. I cared for a neighbour he never knew, one night I had to leave and go back even though pouring with blood rest in peace I would say to him. I look after his wife now. I prey to god he'll change his mind. Take care all and love xxx.

just_trying

OH said I'm not close anymore. Just feel there's a distance. Tried to explain to him though he gets upset to. Not good just now xx.

Toooldforthis

Thank you all for your replies. I too have depression or my own black dog as I call it. Some days the dog behaves and stays in his kennel other he is running round my life causing pain and distress.

I too was on knicker watch after the first time and when I got to 12 weeks I relaxed a bit only to loose my baby at 13 weeks my heart bleeds for you to get pass the 20 weeks and then to suffer a terrible loss :'(

If I'm blessed enough to fall pregnant again (my age is against me ) then I will take each day as it comes and I think I will have to emotional detach myself from it all even though that would break my heart too :-(

Sorry for not quoting but am on my mobile and it doesn't want to play ball !!!

lilymay1

Just want to give you all a big hug.

You are right Betty, you don't ever 'get over' it, you just learn to accept it as part of your life and come to terms with what happened. I still haven't managed that. There's no point pretending that any future pregnancy will e easy. It won't. It'll be emotionally draining in ways other people can't even imagine but we do it for a reason.

Take care everyone and I am thinking of you.

Lily xx

Lara44

I am so sorry to hear about your losses justtrying and toooldforthis (((((((Huge hugs and to sweatybetty too)))))). I myself had just one early mc, an even this I have found such a sad experience. It's so hard to get those thoughts out of your head about how many weeks, and every small thing seems a reminder. I thought I would be getting over it by now, but I just feel in a horrible limbo.

Just trying I hope you can talk with your OH and find a path forward. It is very hard with other stresses and strains. Have you thought about joint counselling or anything like that? Would your OH be up for it?

OH and I are conflicted about trying again too. There are problems with our jobs ahead, it seems like it is only possible to try either right now or in 2 years time. I don't want to wait and with my age I don't feel there is really time to wait. At the moment I want to try again but don't feel healthy. I have come down with all sorts since the mc, most recently gastroenteritis at the weekend. Just when I think things are getting better I get sick again. Sweatybetty do you do acupuncture? Would you recommend it? I was thinking of visiting a naturopath. Usually I am quite sceptical but I am willing to try anything at the moment!

Sending big hugs to all of you, especially with the black dog feelings. I have to believe that there is hope out there for all of us, and that the future will be so different. xx