Dont know which way to turn !!

paddy's_mum

Kind of hard to be a responsible father if the mother was equally willing to take such a gamble with her health and welfare, and has been/is balking even tentative moves to get things sorted out. At what point does the father run the risk of being charged with harassment/stalking? How does any man force a woman to provide a birth certificate or dna sample if she wishes to obstruct him?

For different reasons, they are both on very dodgy ground, in my view, and it's just a great pity that an innocent child may well be hurt by their self indulgent stupidity.

Either one of them will be telling me next that they didn't know that if you play with fire, you get burned!

solodanceparty

1. Make sure there is a baby
2. DNA
3. This one is if there is a baby who is his..
Just because he wants nothing to do with her doesn't mean he has to punish a child. What sort of man is he? Clearly not much of a man, if he's going to neglect a child because he resents the child's mother. What loser will turn his back on his own family.

solodanceparty

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Kind of hard to be a responsible father if the mother was equally willing to take such a gamble with her health and welfare, and has been/is balking even tentative moves to get things sorted out. At what point does the father run the risk of being charged with harassment/stalking? How does any man force a woman to provide a birth certificate or dna sample if she wishes to obstruct him?

For different reasons, they are both on very dodgy ground, in my view, and it's just a great pity that an innocent child may well be hurt by their self indulgent stupidity.

Either one of them will be telling me next that they didn't know that if you play with fire, you get burned!

It's called a solicitor.

SugarSpun

Goodness, some of these posts come right out of Jeremy Kyle...

First thing, get you and your OH appointments for STI tests.
Next thing. you'll need evidence of the baby - a birth certificate, I assume will do?
Thing after that, a DNA test to be sure it's your husband's baby.

And if it's his then you're going to have to sit down like adults and talk about it - is he sure he doesn't want to see his child? What financial provision can he/you both make for it, and do you want to make a private arrangement or go through the CSA?

No sense getting stressed about it now, it's a situation that you'll have to deal with one way or the other. Take it one step at a time. Good luck.

[Deleted User]

SugarSpun wrote: »

Goodness, some of these posts come right out of Jeremy Kyle...

That's a bit of a sanctimonious comment. Sometimes life is not always straightforward and these things can happen...


I agree with the others first establish there is a baby then get a DNA test done. I have a Father who has never bothered with me and it is something that will always hurt , but I know in my heart that if his heart is not in it there is nothing I, or anybody else can do.Which is a sad thing to admit to as this has caused me a lot of hurt and psychological damage. At least your partner is acknowledging his financial obligation, which is more than my father ever did. If he has a change of heart and wants to see the child I agree with what you are saying, you too would have to become a part of the child s life in some way , I think this woman would accept this as she would not really have any other choice. Good luck and I wish you well.

SugarSpun

That's a bit of a sanctimonious comment. Sometimes life is not always straightforward and these things can happen...

It wasn't the situation but the responses I was thinking of - specifically the turning his back on his family business. He's married to his wife, they are a family unit. He's looking to make financial arrangements for his child, but first needs to make sure it is his child. I found the armchair judgements a bit distasteful - but I didn't mean to imply that the OP was one of Kyle's guests. Unexpected conceptions and lying about them are depressingly common. Like a (Mediterranean) friend of mine:

He had an accident when he was 15 that left him sterile. He went home with a girl one night, she turned up pregnant and said it was his. The baby was born and was the sweetest blondest little scrap, completely unlike him - he's dark haired and dark skinned. She continued to insist it was his and eventually took him to court looking for maintenance - all the while refusing the DNA test. He turned up with a letter from his GP and a cheek scraping in a test tube.

Case closed.

springclean

i echo the thoughts about checking there is a baby and paternity, but see the other 'opinions' with regards his involvement as pointless, because they are just that, varying opinions without advice, and passing judgement without knowing the people involved.

i know a fab bloke who married too young, too soon, and when they broke up a few months later she was pregnant. they tried to work things out but they were still too young to deal with everything, so eventually he decided he could not bear to see his child mixed up and passed back and forth, so walked away to give her a stable life - which is just what happened.

i also know a girl who when in her late teens pin-holed some condoms to make sure her boyfriend got her pregnant. he did. they married. they split. they were too young and it was the wrong way to force things.

i don't see how it would be good for a child to be used as a pawn by a mother who from what we have been told has used emotional blackmail already to get him to go with her.

mummy_Jay

cathy2702 wrote: »

I say this as a mum to a 6yr old whose father doesn't want to know her, he met her once when she was born and has never been in touch or wanted to since. My daughter know's her fathers name, and always asks me why he doesn't want to see her? Can you imagine how hard it is to tell your child, 'I don't know where you dad is', or 'dad doesn't want to be your friend'.:eek: It's not that my child isn't loved, she has a huge extended family and has my partner as her 'dad' from she was a few months old but to her already at this young age, she is aware that her biological dad didn't want her.

Why on earth would you say that to a child? :eek:making statement like that is you pushing blame on the child.

I too have a child growing up without his biological heritage but my DS knows how lucky he is, that he's so special he gets to choose his own daddy. It's never been an issue for him as I've never blamed anyone for this. How a child deals with having only one biological parent is about how you deal with it with them.

IMO a child can grow up fine with only one parent (as its more like the remaining parent is widowed) when they have never know the other, what they have never had they wont miss. It only really seems to get hard for the child when the absent parent is inconsitent or when the relationship between the two bio parents is so bad that the child gets torn between them. It comes down to for me be there or don't be there, just don't mess them about.

OP-YOur OH making his intentions not to see the child now is far kinda that playing dad for a bit then giving up. I'm also sorry to say from what little you have said about the other woman she sounds very manipulative and I could see this poor kid being used to get her own way and being used to damage your marriage.

mrcow

cathy2702 wrote: »

I used that word 'your' in the heat of the moment - I have told my daughter specifically that **** (her dads name) doesn't want to be mummys friend at the moment, however he might change his mind and want to meet her as she's so special.

Stop saying this to a six year old child. It's cruel.

I can't believe that someone would say that to their own kid?

mummy_Jay

cathy2702 wrote: »

Sorry to disagree on one wee point - but since when did a child choose their Dad

As my definition of a dad is the man that brings you up not the biological input that created you. I don't see why a child shouldn't have a choice, or why the person he choses has to be my partner, I'm quite open to a friend of mine taking on this role as long as they are a consitent part of his life.
But may I have very open view point to this and it works for us.