Dont know which way to turn !!

jackomk

Apologies in advance for the long post, please bear with me, I just feel the need to get this off my chest.

I have been with my partner for a few years now. Early last year we split for a while (my choice) and both met other people, but stayed in contact throughout. Mine lasted only a month or so and his was a 2 week fling. We both realized how much we loved each other and got back together, making plans for the future. We were honest with each other about what had happened while we were not together. 3 weeks after we got back together he got a call from his "fling" to say she was pregnant. We talked, screamed, cried etc, and he said that although he would support her financially he really didnt want to be a dad again. She was adamant she was going to have the baby with or without him, but he was honest with her from the start about what role he would be playing. To be honest, my impression was that she didnt really want a baby, just a relationship with him. She had moved away and asked him to move with her, 150 miles away before any mention of a pregnancy !!

To me things didnt add up and maybe it was wishful thinking, but I wondered if she really was pregnant at all. Anyway, over the last 7 months he got the odd abusive text from her, but no mention of a baby. Till last week, when she text him to say she it had been born

I have asked him what happens now, and he said he will support her financially, but has no intention of seeing the baby, which he made clear from the start. I know there will be people out there who are going to say this is wrong and he should be taking responsibility, but at the end of the day, what kind of father can he be living so far away. He has no intention of having a relationship with this woman just for the sake of it.

We are both older, with grown up children and were looking forward to slowing down work commitments etc to be able to enjoy "our time".

Im not sure really what im looking for here, maybe someone out there has been through similar. Im just not sure how to even begin dealing with the way I feel

Running_Horse

DNA test is the first thing. If "it" is his, he has not only a legal duty to provide financial support, but a moral one. Imagine being a child and learning your father wanted nothing to do with you. What a horrible way to treat an innocent human being who didn't ask to be born. Tell him he must face up to his responsibilities.

jackomk

We have thought about all of that. Im not saying he's right wanting no part in the childs life, and god knows we have been through turmoil trying to decide whats best for everyone. My son was brought up by my ex husband from the age of 1 and he has always been his dad, although he does know who his biological father is, so I do know the pitfalls.

Minxy_Bella

To be honest, you say that you and your OH are older with grown up children so you have to make sure you don't end up acting like kids.

If a DNA test proves that this is his baby - and this is the very first thing that should be done before anything else - then he has to step up to the plate and be a father to him or her. End of.

I can understand that this woman has been a pain - but put yourself in her shoes for a while. She had a two week fling (two weeks!!!) that she's going to feel the ramifications of for the rest of her life - how old is she? Maybe she just panicked? Maybe she would be quite reasonable if you and your OH put on a united, friendly front and reassured her that she wasn't on her own in this. It does take two to make a child, after all.

I'm not at all impressed with your OH's attitude, tbh - it's selfish to think he can just walk away, throwing a few quid over his shoulder at his child.

I know the pitfalls as I grew up without my father and the feeling that your daddy can't be bothered with you AT ALL is not one that I would wish upon my worst enemy.

Your OH needs to stand up and be a man about this - you never know - you both might fall desperately in love with the poor little mite!

jackomk

We have discussed all that, but she said there will be no contact if im involved. Maybe its selfish of me but we are planning a future together, so if that means with the baby then it involves me too.

Running_Horse

She can no more dictate terms than he can.

Maintenance and contact are legal requirements (and not connected).

Get that DNA test done so you all know the situation.

StrawberryYogurt

First, I truly advise having a DNA done, mainly for the childs sake. Because if the child is led to believe that your OH is their dad and then finds out one day he is not, their world will come crumbling down. My point is that the child is the absolute priority in this.

To be fair, he laid down with her to make this baby (if his) that baby has been born through no fault of their own and does not deserve to be cut off by their natural father. Believe me it does a LOT of damage. A lot. Is your OH prepared to live with the fact the he will be responsible for inflicting a lot of mental damage on another human being? his blood?

I personally could not be with a man who would shun his own children. Its to cold. Its very selfish. Just because he was looking forward to "slowing down" does not mean that everyone else has to put up with the consequences of that, namley his child. (Again, IF his)

Your children you have now in your home have a right to know of a sibling, by taking this attitude a lot of lives are affected

Its good that he will offer support finacially, but that really is not the be all and all. If she gets awkward regarding contact, IF you guys decide to go for contact, please dont give up at the first obstacle. He will have rights. And its not like you are some random girlfriend so to be fair she will have to suck it up that you two come as a package. I would totally understand if he had a string of girlfriends for every day of the week if she was hesitant with her child being exposed to that.

Despite my harsh words, I do really feel for you. Its a horrible situation to be in because you are so torn. You know deep down what the right thing to do is, yet it does not make it any easier. This child will not go away, even if your OH does blank them, because this innocent child will live in the back of both your minds which will cause problems for you all, are you guys strong enough for that?

I am sorry for you I can imagine a lot of tears have been cried and a lot of anger felt

Why not tackle it head on? The child is here now. So go for a DNA, sit your family down and chat and get input, then approach this lady to try and come up with some sort of plan?

Good luck either way x

jackomk

Thanks. We were waiting for the dust to settle a bit before suggesting DNA again. It was met with a barrage of abuse last time, which I kind of expected. Im pretty sure I would have been the same. Am I unreasonable expecting to be involved ??

Ivrytwr3

You say you have had a text to say the baby was born. Was it really? Or is she lying and trying to put a strain on your relationship (or just being psycho?!)

Before the DNA test, confirm there is an actual child.

StrawberryYogurt

I don't think you are unreasonable to expect to be involved, she may though be feeling pretty raw at the moment. Its such a tough situation for you all. As much as it will hurt you, your OH does need to sort some things with her that it would be best if you stood back for. I would see you as being involved by, when the child comes to stay e.t.c.. she will have to accept that its your home to and you will build a tentative relationship with the child. There are ways of being able to make the point that you guys are a united front without you standing right in front of her face if you know what I mean?

Deep down, in the very depths of you, a part of wanting to be involved will be because you feel insecure and oh my that is so understandable You are going to have to try and learn to ignore that feeling, stand behind your OH and step back when needed, if you guys can be strong in this and do the right thing, she will soon know that you are a united front and a child can't have to much love right? despite how the family is made up.

neneromanova

Have you actually seen a picture of this baby with her mother? I say that as she could just send you a random picture of a baby and claim it's hers.

Also get the DNA test done. Pay no money until this happens as that might spur her into action to do it. If my DD's Bio father ever comes onto the scene to see his DD for the first time and wanted a DNA test I would be more than happy to give him one.

But IF the child turns out to be his and he still doesn't want to see it then I would seriously think about your relationship as I would NEVER be with a man who didn't want to see his child. I still can't understand my ex. Luckily DD now has a proper man in her life.

EDIT: Also he decided to lay down with her in just 2 weeks. And by the looks of it not use contraception. He needs to stand up and be a man IF it is his.

And I also understand her not wanting you to be in the childs life to begin with as the father needs to get involved with the child before he brings his children and you into the picture.